


Clear The Area

by JenFebruary5



Category: Chris Evans - Fandom
Genre: Adoption, Anxiety, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family, Friends and Family - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Illicit Relationship, Language, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 91,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23681437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenFebruary5/pseuds/JenFebruary5
Summary: 29-year-old nurse Sarah Bernette has worked hard to get where she is. Moving to Boston from a nowhere dump of a town, she's studied hard and is grateful her stress is finally paying off. Despite being fostered repeatedly throughout her childhood, she's since found some comfort in the form of her adopted parents, Jocelyn and Noah, and a pseudo-adoptive family of sorts in form of the Evans clan who have treated her as one of her own ever since she moved in with best friend, Shanna.Valuing them above all else, she appreciates their support even more when her long lost birth mother decides to reappear in her life after so many years, and is surprised to find out just how supportive Chris is in particular towards her. As she struggles to maintain a firm grip on both her professional and private lives, she finds an ill-advised solace in her growing mutual attraction with him but how long before everything unravels and threatens to pull the rug out from underneath her?
Relationships: Chris Evans (Actor) & Original Female Character(s), Chris Evans (Actor)/Original Character(s), Chris Evans (Actor)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 81
Kudos: 121





	1. Chapter One

Today was probably a 4 out of 10.

4.5 if she was feeling generous.

Sarah thought about the decisions she had made in the past decade that lead her right to this moment, this moment being cleaning neon vomit off her scrubs for the second time in the past hour.

“You would think people would have learned downing shots of Absinthe was not a great idea by the time they’d left their teens,” snickered Audrey before shooting her a sympathetic look and handing over another wipe. “I can’t believe how green it was. It looks like you got punked by the Marshmallow Man!”

“Thanks for that.” Sarah was scrubbing as hard as she could while internally questioning her decision to pursue Nursing all those years ago. Her History teacher told her she could have had “a decent stab” at becoming a Middle School teacher if she applied herself right. Right now, she could be knee-deep in teaching half-interested kids about the 27 Amendments without an ounce of sick in sight. Instead, she was baffled. “Christ, it’s practically luminous.”

This must have been payback for pushing herself as a teenager. Being fostered in and out of homes during your formative years could do that to a kid. She was sure this was the universe’s way of telling her she should have just stayed put and been happy with her lot in life, in her too-small town with no feasible job prospects, where everyone knew you and held your personal history against you, instead of moving halfway across the country with next to no money to study at a university she couldn’t afford and would remain in debt to for at least the next twenty years. Now, however, she got to convince local drunks that climbing on to roofs was, in fact, not a great idea despite the bet they’d made with their “friend”. On a good day, she got to help kids choose their own colour of plaster cast for their legs or arms. Or take today. Today, she got to lecture young people on the trials and tribulations of playing “Run the Bus” with 60% proof.

Every day was just a little bit different so as to keep things interesting. That, she reminded herself, was something she had to remain glad about. She sighed and threw the last wipe in the bin. Taking a last look in the mirror, she turned to Audrey for reassurance that she looked passable. She caught her frown before Audrey realised Sarah could see her and threw her a thumbs up instead. She did love her friend which is why she decided in that moment to force a hug on her as a “thank you”.

“Silver lining, though,” Audrey said, shoving her away, laughing in protest. “You’re lucky you didn’t get any in your hair,”

“Yeh, bastards had a good aim at least,” Sarah dusted down her arms one last time to check for any spatter she might have missed and the two of them left the locker room. The place was eerily quiet now, thank god. Just run out the clock and they’d be home and dry in no time, figuratively speaking in Sarah’s case. Audrey placed an arm loosely round her shoulders. “You want me to try and find you a new set of scrubs? I’m sure they’ll have some upstairs, it’ll only take a minute.”

“Nah it’s OK. I’ll be done in 20. Just gotta sign out Mr Richardson in cubicle 5 then I’ll run home for a shower.”

“OK, well, if you have to hang around, avoid Triage because you-know-who is there and I don’t want you ruining your chances.” Audrey pinched Sarah on her hip and headed back to work. You-know-who was Greg Anderson, an attractive 30-something medic from a hospital on the other side of town. He was up-and-coming in Paediatrics apparently and had been shadowing a Consultant for the past few weeks. He was 6ft plus, with dark hair and brown eyes, and his father was something big in Economics at MIT. He drove a Porsche and wore Louboutin’s on his rounds, which had Audrey practically foaming at the mouth. Indeed, he hadn’t bypassed the attentions of the majority of ladies in the ER, as well as a few guys, and even some patients, but as always Sarah was solely focussed on the job at hand too much to pay him any heed. Audrey thought she caught him staring at her the other week, though, and made it her mission to set them up. She took great pride in playing matchmaker for her friend given that she herself got locked down nine years earlier and “it’s a damn shame to let these skills go to waste.” She had somehow also managed to get Shan and Lisa onside, too, however that had happened.

Greg was handsome, though, she’d give him that, and definitely her type in the right light but something about him was a little too Republican for her liking. Plus, he was a Rangers fan and Sarah swore blind early on in her life that she couldn’t bring children up in that kind of hostile environment. She briefly contemplated walking past Triage with the lingering scent that now clung to her clothing but as Audrey had kindly repeated to her at regular intervals Greg was her only realistic prospect right now and figured it was perhaps better to keep her options open, at least for the time being.

Mr Richardson was gone pretty soon afterwards and, accepting defeat for another day, Sarah grabbed her bag and headed home.

* * *

There was definitely beer left in the fridge, she was sure of it. She’d bought a six-pack at the weekend and could only remember having two during the Bruins’ game, so…

“Oh yeh you’re out of beer,” Sarah turned around from the fridge to face a sheepish looking Chris holding the last bottle in his hand, his ball cap low over his face hiding faint black circles under both eyes. There was a 5 o’clock shadow forming now he wasn’t required to shave. As drained as she was feeling from being on her feet all day, she briefly considered wrestling him to the ground for the last swig. He looked tired. She figured she could take him. In all fairness, he did at least have the decency to look guilty about it.

“I’ll run out and get you some if you…. Jesus! Why do you smell like a brewery?!” He practically recoiled holding his free hand to his nose. Sarah rolled her eyes and grabbed a glass for some cold water.

“Are you here just to annoy me or steal my beer as well?”

“Both now you ask but seriously, what have you been doing all day?! You don’t normally smell this bad,” He joked.

“Oh, some kids took it turns to throw up on me and I didn’t have any clean scrubs to change into.” She downed the water and went to fill the glass up again. God, she didn’t realise she was this dehydrated. Chris shot her a look of confusion. “It’s a long story. Is Shan about?” She shed herself of her scrub top and headed into her bedroom down the hall, Chris casually following behind her.

“She had to pop out for something so I’m just hanging here ‘til she gets back. You coming for dinner at Ma’s? She’s doing her famous lamb roast. Might wanna shower first, though,” he joked, playfully sticking his tongue out at her.

“God, I forgot how hilarious you are,” She overtly rolled her eyes at him. “No, I’m good. Just gonna head for an early night, I think.”

“OK, well, if you change your mind, we’re leaving in about half an hour. You know she’ll make me drive back to get you otherwise.”

That was true. For as long as she’d known and lived with Shan, Lisa had treated her like any other member of her family and Sarah had never fully grasped how much she had appreciated it. Lisa knew Sarah’s folks weren’t as close by any more and compensated for this by inviting her to every dinner night she had, games nights, school events, and more besides. She spent Christmases with them, visited Disney with them, and had New Years with them on occasions when she wasn’t working. Lisa even organised a surprise birthday get-together for her as well despite Shan’s protests that she wasn’t a birthday kind of person. Once Shan told Lisa Sarah wanted to start learning piano as a new year’s resolution, Lisa had insisted she could teach her whenever she had some spare time. There soon after followed afternoons of tea and gossip and not much playing of the piano but it felt comfortable and nice for the first time in a long time, like she’d gained a cool Aunt. Shan would often make excuses so Sarah didn’t feel obligated to go to _everything_ but in truth, she didn’t mind so much. It was nice to feel wanted. She learned to stop feeling awkward soon after.

Chris was lounging on her armchair with one leg casually thrown over the armrest, messing on his phone. Sarah could count the number of times on one hand the nights he had spent at his own place since returning to Boston a fortnight ago. As true as it was that he rarely spoke about filming in any great detail, she could tell he’d been left drained by this particular experience and wasn’t looking forward to returning for the reshoots next month. There had been a rumour he’d started sleeping with his married co-star and she guessed Lisa had been mithering him about it, hence him turning up on their doorstep last week. Other than one night back in his own bed, he had remained on their sofa ever since, clearly relishing in the company.

“So, what made those kids throw up?” Chris called out, still engrossed in his phone. A quick glance over his shoulder told her he’d been ignoring someone’s text messages.

By now, Sarah was in her old yet comfy sweatpants and a Boston hoodie and had started gathering her washing up for the machine. “Um, Absinthe. The nasty kind.”

Chris whistled low through his teeth, a kind of “been there, done that”. “Rookie mistake,” he laughed to himself. He frowned at his phone before chucking it onto her bed and turned around in her chair, planting both feet on the carpet in front of him and leaning forward, resting his arms on his knees. He looked like he wanted to talk about something but he was reluctant to drag Sarah into any meaningful conversation right now given how exhausted she looked. Despite their differences in careers, sometimes it felt like Sarah was the only person he knew who could understand how long and tiresome the days could get. That said, he felt mildly embarrassed he was out there only pretending to save lives when she was out there day after day actually living it for real in all of its bloody glory. And for a tiny fraction of his pay. He tried not to water that thought too much.

“I take it you know,” he asked quietly, still not looking up from her bedroom floor.

“Know what?”

“About Jenny?”

“Oh,” She stopped moving for a brief second. He’d know she was lying if she tried to play dumb. “I mean, your mom might have mentioned something in passing,” she shrugged unconvincingly. Chris scoffed knowing she would have talked about nothing else since the rumours started gathering pace online. He knew he hadn’t done himself any favours by avoiding the conversation either but he simply couldn’t stand another lecture or disapproving look. Dinner tonight was to be his mea culpa.

Sarah was thankful when she heard the front door go and then the sound of Shan dropping her bags in the kitchen before heading towards Sarah’s room. “I signed for this for you this morning while you were out,” she handed Sarah a brown envelope before turning to Chris with a hand on her hip, looking like she was scolding her 7-year-old nephew. “Mom’s been trying to get hold of you all day. She wasn’t sure if she needed to lay an extra seat for you this evening. Sarah, she wanted to know if you were coming as well?”

Sarah shook her head before holding up her stained clothes and enjoyed Shan’s visible flinch.

“I’m not even going to ask.” She held her hands up and walked back out. Chris rolled his eyes in mock frustration at Sarah and she smiled sympathetically back at him, mouthing a “good luck” to him as he left.

She was left looking down at the envelope in her hands. It looked official; the kind you’d receive if you’d been summoned to a court hearing or jury duty. She didn’t recognise the address or the stamp but recognised the name of her home town straight away. It had been years since she had been there. Why the hell were they dragging her back now?


	2. Chapter Two

Sarah made very little effort to move that day. On occasion, and when she could, she preferred the relative safety of a self-made cocoon, with her excessive pillows and duvet lying across her as she lounged on her bed, her wavy brunette locks in a messy bun. The alternative was a run followed by trash television (also one of her favourite guilty pleasures on a day like today) but both of those would have required her to get up and she didn’t feel like that just now. Even her phone telling her it was gone one o’clock in the afternoon wasn’t enough to shame her into moving. The bedroom windows were as wide open as possible as was necessary for this time of year, and she slipped both feet out from under the covers to let the warm breeze caress her skin and envelope her space, calming her completely.

She must have fallen asleep quite early last night. Shan and Chris had left around 7pm to head over to their mom’s house, leaving Sarah to indulge in a much-needed shower before making her world-famous grilled cheese with as much as she could physically pack under the grill. She fell into a carb-induced coma soon after.

When she woke, Shan had been making various noises around the flat, slamming a couple of drawers here and there before retiring to sleep. Sarah was too tired to check in on her to make sure everything was OK. Shan would no doubt fill her in when she saw her the next morning and they would inevitably catch up on each other’s gossip for the first time that week. Sarah had been working longer hours lately but as always, the first 20 minutes of every morning was reserved for “Shan Time”; just listening to her vent for a little while. She never minded so much. It meant she didn’t have to pay attention to her own thoughts.

Today, though, she had a full 24 hours of freedom and was intending to make no effort whatsoever to move from her self-imposed exile. She had no plans; a rare treat for herself to do absolutely nothing.

Her laptop was open with numerous tabs keeping her entertained. She checked Facebook, spent 15 minutes on a Buzzfeed article about puppies, then read CNN. Always in that order. At some point, she’d stumbled upon a gossip article about Chris and Jenny and, against her better judgement, scanned the details. According to a “source”, it was lust at first sight. The pair of them hung out a lot at his apartment where he would hold his famous game nights – that detail she could 100% believe – and soon after she stopped her husband’s weekly visits to set. Her husband seemed quite nice actually, very non-threatening in his appearance, almost dorky, the complete opposite of Chris she realised which seemed a little dubious. Indeed, Jenny appeared herself to be the complete opposite of who Chris usually pursued. She seemed nice enough, though, and an up-and-coming name in the comedy world. He mentioned her once or twice on the random weekends he would fly back to Boston for some down time during production. She was funny and outspoken. She was quirky, too, both physically and intellectually. Sarah thought they might get along if they were to ever have the chance to meet. Nevertheless, she had picked up on a lot of insider knowledge thanks to knowing Chris over the years and could spot clickbait a mile away.

“I’m not so sure, y’know,” Sarah jumped as Shan climbed onto her bed behind her with a plate of toast and a fresh coffee in hand. She felt embarrassed to have been caught reading gossip about her brother but Shan seemed nonplussed. “About her. I reckon something happened and he’s burying his head in the sand about it.”

“Did he talk about her last night?”

“No, not really. Mom pushed it a few times and he got annoyed and left. Scott went after him, I think.” Shan seemed relatively blasé about the whole thing as she sat cross-legged, munching on her toast. Sarah stole a mouthful of her coffee and closed the laptop, flinching at how sugary she liked it. “This is exactly what he does. He messes around then doesn’t stick around long enough to deal with the consequences. He’s probably fucked up her relationship for good.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“Oh, believe me. It’s textbook for him. He just does whatever he wants to do.” She finished the slice and took her coffee mug back from Sarah. “What was your letter about?”

Sarah’s attention was quickly drawn towards her dresser table and to the brown envelope she’d forgotten about, currently sitting there unopened. She couldn’t bring herself to read its contents last night with how tired she felt and she was good at ignoring things when she wanted to. It was an exceptional talent of hers. She knew if she did read it, she’d likely be unable to sleep much afterwards.

“I haven’t looked yet.” She admitted. “I just have this...feeling nothing good’s gonna come of it.”

Shan’s heart pinched for her friend. “Do you think it’s that lady again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I thought she would have given up by now but maybe she’s gone via the courts? I was reading about it online and apparently, they can request legal assistance when tracking down a child. Regardless of what that child wants. Can you believe that?”

She could. Shanna had found herself in a similar situation some years earlier. Indeed, when they had first met, their mutual experiences had been something of a conversation point and there followed many, many late nights talking until the small hours, drinking wine and putting the world to rights. It was the first time in her life Sarah had reached some sense of resolution and understanding about the whole thing.

It wasn’t common knowledge but Shan’s birth mother had contacted her a couple of years earlier via some handwritten letters and a few photographs. Turns out her parents had been childhood sweethearts who fell pregnant and ultimately decided they couldn’t raise the child together. There was also an allusion to some religious reason as well but Shan wasn’t altogether interested by that point. She recognised how unbelievably lucky she had been and didn’t want to rock that boat for something that may or may not have made her life extra complicated. Sarah also sensed Lisa was struggling a bit with the contact as well although, outwardly, she was supportive of whatever decision Shanna decided to make. Chris and Scott on the other hand? Well, they were not withholding any punches. Chris in particular took the view that it was some pathetic attempt at absolving themselves of guilt.

“Do you want me to open it?” Shan offered bringing Sarah back into the room. In all honesty, Shan would have likely done a lot more. She would have called up the Adoption Agency herself pretending to be Sarah and telling them in no uncertain terms where to stick it if she’d asked her to. It was one of Sarah’s favourite things about her; her unwavering loyalty to the people she loved the most. Act first, ask questions later. When she’d first met Carly, the oldest Evans’ child, she’d caught her to one side and said “You’re stuck now!”. She hadn’t looked back since.

Sarah pondered the letter before getting out of bed and collecting it from the table. She looked it over once more before opening the seam. It felt thicker than it did last night and there was definitely some kind of booklet enclosed. Just as she was about to pull the contents out, however, the front door slammed shut.

“Oh fuck. I’m so sorry. I got annoyed with Chris ringing the goddamn bell all the time so I just gave him the spare key.” Shan remembered, quickly sliding off her bed and dashing out of the room. Sarah was going to follow her. Another few minutes wasn’t going to make much difference. Then, just as she pulled the letter out a few extra centimetres, curiosity got the better of her. There, in black and white, was the name of her biological mother: Charlotte.

Charlotte.

It didn’t sound like an older woman’s name to her. You know how some names have connotations of responsibility and authority and wisdom, and ‘Charlotte’ didn’t seem like one of them. It wasn’t a ‘Joanne’ or a ‘Susan’ or even a ‘Lisa’ now she thought about it. Those names provoked feelings of comfort and reassurance. ‘Charlotte’ was the name of a twenty-something pretty blonde who had thousands of followers on Instagram and zero obligations. ‘Charlotte’ drove a swanky soft-top her father bought for her 21st birthday.

She was probably being petulant while staving off thoughts of ‘Charlotte’ having been a teenage mother who couldn’t face the pressure of raising a child at such a young age. What if she herself had lived a troubled life and something bad had happened to her and she suddenly found herself bereft with a new-born baby girl clinging to life in her arms? Or, like Shanna’s mother, had some overbearing ogre of a grandmother shadowing her and telling her she would go to hell for having sex out of wedlock? Maybe she had been forced in some way to give her up outside of her control. Suddenly, Charlotte seemed like she could do with her sympathy.

Shan reappeared in Sarah’s doorway and paused before speaking noticing Sarah had the letter open in her hands. She gave her a sympathetic smile.

“Um, Chris is here with some beers and stuff. I think Scott is coming over later to watch a movie. I haven’t said anything to him about… y’know…” She nodded towards the letter. Sarah smiled back at her but didn’t want to give away much more.

“Sure. I could do with a drink.”

**

A few hours had passed and they had been lying around the flat drinking beers and shouting at Iron Chef, Shan’s favourite lazy day programme. Scott had arrived not long after Chris but dipped in and out to have phone arguments with his boyfriend, Zach. Zach was his first boyfriend in some time that was considerably younger than Scott but seemed to fit in well with the family. It was fair to say Chris was slightly less tolerant of him and perhaps wary of any new figure in their lives given how much more visible he had become now that he was a living and breathing embodiment of a superhero. That said, Zach seemed like a nice enough guy and Scott was clearly crazy about him and had been since Day One.

“Trouble in paradise.” quipped Chris as he walked into the kitchen, noticing the front door ajar. Sarah had been washing up and wiping down the surfaces following dinner. Chris leaned back against the counter next to her. “I don’t know why they insist on arguing so much. It’s just flogging a dead horse at this point.”

“He likes him. When you like someone, you make it work no matter how hard it gets.” She shoved him to move over a little so she could grab the sponge from behind where he was stood.

“No, you don’t. You ignore their calls and texts until they slowly get the message. If not, you leave the country.” He smirked. Sarah shook her head in disbelief, chuckling, but wondering if he was only half kidding.

“Do you think they’re getting anywhere?” he asked. She knew he was concerned deep down. He couldn’t help himself.

“I’m not sure to be honest. I’ve heard “you’re not listening to me” about seven times.”

Chris winced, folding his arms. They were both staring at the front door when Scott suddenly returned. Without thinking, they tried their best to look as though they hadn’t just been eaves-dropping on his conversations. Chris reached for the spray, almost performing a full circle in panic. “So, I should just wipe this and then we’re done?”

Confused, Sarah made a move to agree with him before Scott threw his arms up. “Oh pur-lease, you guys. You don’t have to pretend that you couldn’t hear that. I know how loud I was talking.” Scott eye-rolled them as hard as he physically could.

“We weren’t listening!” protested Chris, feigning astonishment.

“You’re holding cleaning products, bro. You’re normally about as useful around the house as a wooden frying pan.”

The kitchen fell quiet as soon as Scott had walked back into the living room. Sarah wished she could have snapped a picture of the stunned look on Chris’ face right at that moment as he stood holding the Jif. He turned to look at her, offended.

“I clean.” He objected.

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” She avoided eye contact, giggling to herself. She could feel the mock annoyance radiating off him as he stood to the side of her eyeline waiting for her to move. They could be here for some time. He resorted to spraying the product in her hair.

“Hey! That was uncalled for!”

“I’m gonna tell Mom you’re bullying me again.” He put the spray down and flashed her an eyebrow raise. She didn’t know why but she felt a blush cover her skin in that moment as he whispered almost intimidatingly close to her ear “You missed a spot by the way.”

“What?! Where?” She jumped and he laughed out loud. Realising he had been kidding, she threw him a glare. “If you’re not going to help you can get out of my kitchen.”

“Oh my god that was too easy! Seriously, Sarah, lighten up. It’s only gonna get messy again in a few hours.” He playfully attempted to grab the sponge from her hand but she held it off to one side out of his reach. He enjoyed messing with her. It was something he did when there wasn’t a lot else going on and she recognised this, fearing this was going to be the new norm for her now he was practically living here. She’d have to put the lock back on the bathroom door for sure. “Do you think you’ll be retiring to your bachelor pad anytime soon? Some of us have to get up early in the morning.”

His face lost its boyish glee and she felt like she had just kicked a puppy. He picked up the dishcloth and proceeded to dry a few plates, placing them in a neat pile to one side. He peeked at her from the corner of his eye.

“How about I repay you with beer and household chores?”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's reading OK so far. Thanks for checking this out!


	3. Chapter Three

“So, completely out of the blue, just like that, she’s asked the courts to intervene to ask you to meet her?”

Sarah was sat with Audrey on their break at Joe’s across the street from the ER. It was a favourite haunt of theirs; it was cheap but the coffee was always strong, always hot, and the waffles were to die for. Plus, the chef was always supportive of staff in the medical profession and would insist on giving them double the amount of toppings. Sarah contemplated using them as wedding caterers should it ever come to that. The location also gave them the added bonus of being far enough away from their work that they felt like it gave them a decent break when they could eventually find a spare 5 minutes, and clandestine enough that they could freely complain about the latest regulations imposed upon them by O’ Brien, the Ward Co-Ordinator, and his questionable personal hygiene. 

“Fuck me. The nerve.” Audrey shook her head in bewilderment. “You’d think she’d have taken the hint the first time around.”

“Well, there’s always the possibility she thought her letters might not have reached me and now she’s just trying to cover all bases.” Sarah suggested, taking another drink of her piping hot coffee and feeling it course through her body, a comforting warmth for the first time that day. She was struck in that moment by her own empathy for this woman. She wasn’t sure what it meant.

“Don’t go making excuses for her. It’s arrogant is what it is, paying for some fancy lawyer to do her bidding. If she wanted to do right by you, she would have responded all those years ago when it was you reaching out to her. Don’t you take pity on her now. You have to make it clear to them, the lawyers or whoever the fuck this is, that you’re happy, you’re in a good place, and you have all the fucking family you need,” Audrey emphasised each point by stabbing her finger on the table. “You don’t need whatever bullshit she is selling.”

Rarely did Audrey mince her words. She could be relied on to tell you straight exactly what she thought and at several times during their friendship, Sarah counted her blessings that she was on the right side of her.

“Yes, of course.” She lied. Perhaps lied. She wasn’t sure what she was thinking in that moment. At various times during the days since she received the notice, she’d swung back and forth between rejecting their request outright or taking the opportunity to see what she was like in the flesh, to see if she was anything like she had pictured in her mind. Just to satisfy her curiosity at least. Shan suggested they should arrange to meet her and perform some sort of “drive by” and run away at the last minute. As more and more time went by, Sarah found herself warming to that suggestion.

“What do your folks think about it?” Audrey asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t told them about it yet. They’re in town next weekend so I’ll wait and tell them in person, I think.” 

Audrey nodded in understanding, pouring them what was left of their coffee pot. “I take it you’ve told Shan about this?”

“Yeh, but we don’t get a lot of time to talk at the moment. More like passing ships in the night.”

“Oh right, I forgot. Cap’s back. How is it going? Is he still hanging out at yours?” 

Sarah nodded and watched Audrey’s eyes light up, looking giddier than she’d ever seen before. 

“How is he looking? Like, abs-wise? I bet there isn’t an inch of fat on him. I bet he walks around in his towel, all wet after a shower. Still buff as hell, right?” She flashed Sarah the naughtiest smile she could muster. She swore Audrey was imagining him right at this very minute.

“Can I remind you that you have a very real and very lovely husband at home?” Sarah playfully jabbed her friend with her fork.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“How do you expect me to answer that?” Sarah protested, her voice reaching a little too high for her liking and she could sense Audrey’s doubt in her declaration. “For your information, I haven’t really spoken to him much since he got back.”

“Y’know, I like my husband a normal amount but if I was single and living in close proximity to that, I’d be all over that shit.” 

Funnily enough, Sarah didn’t doubt that for one second. She’d seen up close and personal her flirtatious remarks to him after she’d been forced into introducing them some years earlier. She marvelled at how shy she’d become when she was typically so verbose and confident. Things progressed quite quickly that evening thanks to the shots he kept pouring for them and the arm she kept draped across his wide shoulders, practically sat in his lap. He wasn’t complaining one bit. She recalled fond memories of a random video recorded on Audrey’s phone that was meant to be a ‘Happy Birthday’ message to Michael but instead became an example of what not to show your husband when hanging out with an A-List Movie Star. Aside from the occasional political rant and last night’s episode of Jimmy Fallon, Chris was often Audrey’s favourite topic of conversation when he was in town. 

“You know why he does that.” Audrey hinted before taking the last few bites of her waffles, feigning innocence.

Sarah knew where this train was going and was keen to stop it before it derailed and killed innocent passengers. “We need to get back. I have an x-ray to collect and you have a bladder irrigation in cubicle two.” Audrey’s shoulders dropped and she grimaced at the thought.

As they were heading back, they narrowly avoided colliding with Greg seemingly leaving for the day. Sarah would soon regret her jibes as Audrey made the loudest call-out in his direction. He may have just about escaped her clutches but turned to swagger his way back towards them, grinning widely.

“Hey guys, how’s it going?” He asked coolly, and to his credit he seemed genuinely interested. Sarah had thought he only reserved that kind of over-interest for consultants who might be able to further his career but perhaps she’d been too quick to judge him after all.

“Yeh, it’s going really well, thanks. How are you? You finished for the day?” 

Sarah inwardly groaned. Audrey was going somewhere with this.

“Just heading home to get changed and then probably just head for the gym, I think. Might try and get a game of tennis in if I can.” He held up his bag to indicate his racket was inside. Sarah saw the label for YSL.

“Oh, you play tennis? How funny! So does Sarah!” Sarah figured she might have played twice in her entire life and one of those occasions ended in her swearing never again to pick up a racket. “Oh my god, Sarah, can you believe this? Such a small world. Sarah was on the team at her college in fact.” 

How could Greg not notice the insincerity?

“Really? Hey, y’know, if you’re free sometime, I’d love to have a match or two,” he smiled widely at Sarah as she died a little inside. “I haven’t managed to find anyone here who plays yet so it would be good to make a friend at least.”

Sarah spotted the earnestness in his eyes and almost felt a little sorry for him. Nevertheless, she nodded along in the hopes of ending the conversation as quickly as possible so she could get inside and stab Audrey with a scalpel. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Greg. He was perfectly nice, very ambitious with the intelligence to match, and even under the harsh lights of the Ambulance Bay, he was clearly a very attractive man; all height, with not a hair out of place. It was more her issue than his. According to Audrey, she was unsure of herself around overly good-looking men. Audrey first pointed this out to her when they were on a night out. She said a lack of self-esteem somewhere inside meant that she automatically wrote herself off whenever it came to guys she deemed herself to be unworthy of. Then Audrey – and she may have been drunk at this point, Sarah couldn’t quite remember herself –insisted on writing out a list of pros that started with green eyes and ended with her “impressive butt”. She laughed when Audrey told her that she somehow made scrubs look fashionable and not dowdy, and that she should treat herself once in a while to an item of clothing that wasn’t a hoodie or a pair of jeggings.

“Well, I’m sure that could be arranged,” Audrey winked at him, and Greg seemed agreeable to that idea. “You’re not doing anything tomorrow night, are you Sarah?”

“Um,” She tried her hardest to wrack her brains but came up short. “No, not that I can think of right at this moment.”

“Well, great, maybe meet you at Roxbury Gym tomorrow night? I have a membership that lets me bring friends and family so there’d be no problem.”

Of course he did. 

“Er, yes, OK. Sounds good. Just don’t go hoping for Open standard or anything. It’s been some time since I played.” She directed that last comment squarely at Audrey who had never looked prouder of her work. Greg smiled at them again and wished them both a good afternoon before backing away and heading to his car, his bag swung confidently over his shoulder.

“Wow, thank you.” Sarah said sarcastically.

“Hey, you can thank me later, sugar.”

*

It was just after 8 when she got home. Shan was planning to work late so Chris texted her to ask if she wanted to share a pizza that evening, and she’d agreed like it was the greatest idea in the world. It was actually paying off now that Chris was there most of the time; if he wasn’t keeping the fridge stocked with beer and various groceries, she’d found him hoovering the hallway the day before, apropos of nothing. 

He wasn’t immediately present when she entered their apartment. She dumped her bag by the door and collected some post from the side table that Shan had left for her. The TV was on low on C-Span and she spied two scripts on the coffee table, one looking vaguely Marvel-ish. She dare not look at it in case there was a microdot inbred on every page that would alert them to intruders touching the paper. Or it was fingerprint-sensitive. Also, she genuinely wanted to be surprised when she would inevitably see it at the cinema. She’d been invited to a premiere on one occasion and Chris found it both hilarious and endearing that she turned him down, preferring to see it in a packed screening with die-hard movie fans instead of critics with annoying lights at the end of their pens. She also didn’t want to embarrass herself in front of Mark Ruffalo but she kept that nugget to herself.

Just as she was heading towards the bathroom to wash up before dinner, Chris emerged from Shan’s bedroom, a towel slung low on his waist, a slight steam rising off his skin. Sarah couldn’t stop the knowing laugh from escaping her.

“Ouch. Thanks.” Chris retorted.

“Oh no,” She realised how that sounded. “It wasn’t anything, y’know. Um, it wasn’t, um…” Sarah’s brain had stopped working and she became increasingly aware of time passing very slowly with Chris just staring at her. “I was talking to Audrey about something earlier and you just reminded me is all.”

“Oh, Audrey, nice. How is she?” That seemed to change his attention for the better, thankfully.

“Married.”

Chris snickered to himself. “Man, she loves you, y’know. You’re lucky. She seems like a good friend.”

“Yeh, I know. She’s great. Not many friends would work so hard on setting me up on a date.” Sarah had only intended to say that last part under her breath as she turned to head into the bathroom.

“A date?! You?”

It was evidently now Sarah’s turn to feel affronted. “Yes, me. Why so surprised?”

“Not surprised at all. Just. OK, yeh, surprised, but only a little bit. You always seem so quiet on that front. I actually can’t remember the last time you went on a date.” 

“That’s not a helpful comment, Chris.”

“Daniel!” Chris clicked his fingers. “It was Daniel and he rode to work on a skateboard!” He was momentarily proud of his powers of recall until he noticed the look on Sarah’s face. “He was nice. He liked...stuff.”

Sarah couldn’t keep up the pretence any longer. “I remember he had an unnatural obsession with onion rings,” she laughed. “It took me forever to disinfect the place of the smell!”

Chris laughed heartily at the memory. “Well, I hope whoever this new guy is, he’s worthy of you.” 

She was grateful for the nudge and he smiled back at her. “Pizza will be another 10 minutes I reckon, so be quick.”

Sarah shot him the finger guns in acknowledgement, regretted the finger guns, then closed the bathroom door behind her. She toyed with the idea of getting a shower but really, really wanted pizza before Chris had the opportunity to devour it. His appetite was truly off the charts when he wasn’t in training mode. She couldn’t quite believe what he could put away or where it ended up because it certainly made no difference to his physique.

As she re-emerged fresh and in a change of clothes, Chris was laying out the pizza and beers on the coffee table. She rarely ate anywhere other than at the kitchen table but Chris told her to live a little and relax. She followed the delicious smell of pepperoni and garlic bread and quickly gave in.

“So, who’s the new guy?” Chris asked when they were both a couple of bites in.

“Just this guy from work. He’s new to Newton’s but only there for a few more weeks I think. Audrey is obsessed with setting me up with him. What?” She spotted Chris’ growing smirk stretch across his face. “Seriously, what is it?”

“So, he’s not gonna be there for long? Never had you down as a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of girl before.” She could tell he was trying hard not to burst out laughing.

“Great, so first I’m not dating at all and now I’m only interested in serious relationships?” 

Chris held his hands up protest. “There’s nothing wrong with that by the way! It works for me. If the girl is into it, even better.”

“It’s different for guys, though. You can get away with it because it’s assumed you’re naturally immature. For women, it’s like…we’re immoral or something.” She picked the large red pepper off her pizza slice, placing it on her plate only for Chris to pick it back up again and add it to his. “The bar is held a lot higher for us, you have to admit.” 

“Yes, perhaps. But there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex without the pressure of asking yourself so many questions afterwards. You don’t have to see them again if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to learn their name. So long as it’s safe, just enjoy it for what it is. I don’t think there is anything immoral about that.” He shrugged.

Sarah smiled at him. “Is this what got you here?” She had only meant that as a passing joke but recent events had completely slipped her mind. Chris paused mid-bite unsure of how to respond. Sarah turned towards him fully prepared to apologise. “Mate, I’m-”

“Don’t worry about it. God knows, I deserve it.” He wiped his fingers with a napkin. “It was what it was.”

Sarah wasn’t sure if that was an admission of sorts and was unsure of how to respond. He could see the thoughts crossing through her mind and nodded slowly, wordlessly answering the question she wanted to ask but was too wary to do so. He hadn’t felt much like talking of late preferring the relative comfort found at the bottom of a bottle of beer or glass of whisky. Scott, his sisters, his friends, everybody had worked out quickly enough that it was topic he didn’t want to discuss. Everybody except his mom, that is. He readily acknowledged that he had been avoiding the conversation but also a growing awareness that his relationship with Jenny had been possibly symptomatic of something else he’d been trying to avoid of late: that he was getting older and had little understanding of what he wanted to do or where exactly he wanted to be. Sarah also didn’t want to put herself in a position his mother might be better suited towards.

“It’s so stupid.” He shook his head, resigned. He took another deep breath before picking up his beer bottle and contemplating taking a mouthful. “Things just got out of hand. It’s my own fault. I should have thought more first instead of running into things. You think I’m stupid, don’t you?”

“No, not at all.” She tried to sound as genuine as possible and he was grateful. She never thought he was an idiot. Naïve maybe, but not an idiot. “I’ve known you long enough to know that you’re not a bad person. Plus, y’know, it takes two as they say. Look, I’m probably not the best person to advise on this kind of thing anyway.”

He seemed grateful for the brief assurance. “I think you’re better than you think you are.”

She attempted to change the subject. “So, you’re back filming next month?”

“Yeh, just for a few days hopefully.” He decided to follow her lead. “Then I’m free for a while. Should be easy enough.” He seemed to relax a little more physically at the thought of his impending freedom. The immense financial security meant he tended to take longer breaks between projects now, and he was a little fussier about the project when he did eventually choose to work again. “Shan said your folks were coming this weekend?”

“Next weekend now, but yeh. Looking forward to it. I haven’t really spoken to them much recently and Dad’s been so busy lately and Mom’s been worried about his blood pressure again so it’ll be good for him to switch off for a while. I was thinking of taking them to a photography exhibition in town.”

“Steve McCurry?” His eyes lit up exponentially at the name. “I’m dying to see that one. It’s a shame they don’t keep the studio open past nine now. That would’ve been ideal.” He scoffed and Sarah felt a sadness for him. Not so long ago, he’d had to leave his nephew’s school play halfway through and via a fire door when one of the parents insisted on joking with him loudly throughout the first fifteen minutes about whether he saw any acting talent on stage and then subsequently bugged him to play golf during an interval. It was hard for him to just go out and enjoy normal things such as exhibitions or theatre or, hell, even a casual walk through a park. They were beautiful at this time of year now that Summer was just around the corner and the weather was getting much warmer and brighter. For Chris, any simple trip now relied upon precision timing and stealth-like skills to avoid being seen and quite frankly that must have sucked.

“Well, you’re welcome to come with. I’m sure we could sneak you in with a disguise somehow.” She winked and nudged him with her shoulder to break the silence, and there was a smile forming in the corner of his mouth.

“Fuck it. You’re on.”

*


	4. Chapter Four

Sarah had something of a reprieve from her unplanned-planned date night/tennis match/whatever with Greg when Shan kindly called her to say she couldn’t stop vomiting and had to be sent home from work. As always, Sarah was her first port of call but she sounded absolutely terrible over the phone, and Sarah felt bad leaving her to fend for herself. Scott would often run a mile at the first sign of someone being ill, so scared was he of being even marginally unwell and Chris would, well, he was just absolutely useless with a crying woman.

She had managed to catch Greg on her way out and apologised for cancelling at such short notice. He seemed a little disappointed but was quick to suggest another catch-up when things had calmed down. She had realised that he might have thought she was blowing him off with a lame excuse and made a note to speak to him the next time she saw him. Audrey mentally fired darts at Sarah’s head as she waved her a goodbye, deliberately avoiding a lecture.

“My stomach really hurts. I think it might be dying,” Shan over-exaggerated.

“You’re not dying, OK? You’ve probably got some food poisoning, though. Did you eat or drink anything weird in the last 48 hours?” Sarah asked over the phone as she got ten minutes away from their apartment.

“No, just tequila. I don’t think it’s that, though, and…. Oh wait…” She stopped herself. “I ate sushi.”

“What the fuck, Shan? You’re practically allergic to sushi!” Sarah exclaimed over the phone to the surprise of a runner who’d just overtaken her as she crossed through the park. “Why did you eat that? You know what? Doesn’t matter. Just keep drinking water and stay close to the bathroom for a little while. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Chris was hanging in the hallway outside their front door when she finally arrived home. She knew it must be bad for him to risk being spotted by her overly enthusiastic neighbour, and he looked like he had been emotionally scarred for life.

“How’s she doing?” Sarah dared to ask.

“There are sounds coming from her that I have never heard made by another human being before.” He hung his head low. “I don’t know how you do it.”

Sarah chuckled and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder before brushing past him and walking inside. Sure enough, Sarah found her on the floor of their bathroom, leaning by the toilet bowl. For some reason, all the towels were on the floor and the window was open wide which was, she figured, Chris’ way of dealing with things.

“He’d been rubbing my back but that just made it worse.” Shan said before retching again. She looked pitiful curled up on the floor like this, the last of her mascara making unflattering tracks down her cheeks. Her curly hair was unruly most of the time as it was but now it looked even more like a bird’s nest.

Sarah dumped her bag and sat down beside her. Back-rubbing never worked, she knew this all too well but still thought it was cute of Chris to at least try it. Seriously, what was it and people throwing up near her lately? Instead, she moved the strands of hair sticking to her forehead and gently ran her hand over the back of her head and neck in circular massaging motions to ease some of her strain.

“Do you think you could eat some dry toast? Or a banana maybe?” Sarah suggested. “You need to keep your stomach active,”

“I just want this to end…”

“I know you do. I think it’s just a case of waiting this out now.” Sarah kept her voice as soothing as possible and continued to gently run her hand over her hair, attempting to lightly detangle knots as she found them.

Chris was perched on a stool against the breakfast table eating a banana when Sarah walked back in. “Did she tell you?” he asked, mild irritation showing in his voice.

“Yep. Why sushi of all things?” Sarah questioned him as if he might know something. “I bought that for her by the way. Potassium is good for the body after food poisoning.”

“No idea. But I bet that Ben has something to do with it. Did you know he was back in town?” He quizzed her somewhat accusatorily. Sarah held her hands up, silently remonstrating her lack of knowledge.

Ben was someone Shanna had gone to High School with and met again in college. They had dated on and off, usually when Ben dictated, until he’d left Boston to join his Uncle’s political campaign in Chicago. Sarah had only met him twice but once was enough to know he was trouble and the somewhat nauseating kind, not the entertaining kind. A few years back, Ben had been responsible for Shan getting points on her licence when he’d been caught speeding after admitting to her his licence had been revoked following his drink-driving charge. It was the first real experience Sarah had had of an Irish family arguing and they failed to notice she had snuck out to a hotel for the night to avoid the conflict. Lisa didn’t speak to Shanna for weeks afterwards and Chris flew back to LA to avoid hitting him with a baseball bat.

“I swear to god, if he even so much as shows his face round here, I’ll tie him to the heaviest boulder and shove him off Longfellow.” He always spoke in hyperbole when he got aggravated, like his brain couldn’t comprehend how someone could be so stupid. It was the same attitude he displayed when he watched Trump get inaugurated. Shan wasn’t stupid but Sarah had to admit she harboured a blind spot where Ben was concerned.

“You don’t know it was him this time. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. There could be a harmless explanation.”

Chris looked her dead in the eye before awkwardly shifting his attention elsewhere. She watched as he clumsily tried to straighten up in front of her.

“Chris? We don’t know it’s because of him, do we?”

Chris took a breath and pursed his lips. He looked like he’d forgotten how to speak. “I spoke to Matt and he looked him up for me. Turns out he got some drug charges dropped and was thrown off the campaign last month and now he’s back home with his mom.” Sarah looked stunned at the information. “Look, who else would it be? She was probably trying to impress him or something stupid. It’s not like she doesn’t have previous here, is it? What is so great about this guy?”

“Search me. He’s not my type whatsoever.”

“Yeh, well, you’re sensible. It’s only because of you that she’s at least able to hold down a job for longer than six months without getting distracted.” He launched the banana skin into the bin like he was shooting hoops. “I really wanna punch him. Just once. Can I, please?”

“Mate, don’t look at me. I’m not your PR Manager.”

“Well, I’m like 90% sure Matt won’t let me…” He leaned against the counter in front of her, arms folded, resigned to the fact that he was helpless. “I could sneak into his house and tie all his shoelaces together? Can’t get arrested for that, can I?”

Sarah laughed at the shear daftness of the thought. “You could take all the stuffing out of his pillows?”

Chris shot her a look of disbelief. “OK, now you’re taking this too far. Whatever you want to do on your own time is up to you.”

“Oh, good you’ve told him.” Shan croaked as she made her way gingerly through the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. She’d managed to remove her sweat-soaked clothes and changed into her pyjamas and a dressing gown that Sarah recognised as her own that was previously hanging up in the bathroom.

“Told me what?” Chris asked, his jovial expression suddenly changing to one of concern and increasingly so as his eyes flicked between Sarah and Shanna, neither of them making much of an effort to talk. Sarah knew it was on her to break the silence.

“Just… it’s nothing really. Honestly. It’s just my…my mom wants to meet me and…stuff.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. She sounded like a teenager who had just been caught doing something she shouldn’t. Chris was probably regretting telling her she was the sensible one now. For some reason, she decided to carry on talking to fill the silence. “So, I thought I might let her see me and…stuff. Maybe.”

Chris was quiet for what felt like a long time. He was clearly vetting his words carefully before saying anything, never taking his eyes off Sarah. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times preparing to speak before quickly changing his mind. This one really seemed to stump him.

“I told you it was a bad idea, hun.” And with that, Shan left the kitchen and Sarah to her fate. How was it that in less than ten minutes she had managed to shift Chris’ frustration squarely on to her?

“Your biological mom? I thought you didn’t want to see her?” He asked albeit in a far too monotonous tone for her liking.

“I don’t. I didn’t. But they sent me a letter, and-”

“Who’s “they”?” he interrupted.

“The Adoption Agency back in Flint.” Sarah quickly responded but then couldn’t think of anything else to add to ease the tense atmosphere growing around them. He pondered her response for a second not looking away from her. She must have looked about twelve now.

“Why does she have the courts intervening on her behalf?” It was a good question and one Sarah was all too aware she didn’t have the answer for. It did look a little desperate on her mom’s behalf, too. Chris still had his arms folded and from this angle they looked even bigger than usual. He had a very unapproachable manner when he was built like this and he would often use it to his advantage, not that there was ever a possibility of missing him in a room full of people, for one reason or another. “What’s her angle here?”

“I figured it was to make sure I got her letter. I don’t exactly know why which is why I was thinking of meeting her.” She shrugged and tried to move her feet from the spot she’d been frozen to. Chris clocked his disapproving stance and moved in a bid to equal her posture.

“Come off it, Sarah. You’re not thinking about it. You’ve clearly made your mind up. Why now, though? I thought you were happy with everything and with where you are?” He unfolded his arms and looked like he was about to take a step towards her but changed his mind and leaned on the kitchen island instead. “Is it no longer enough?”

She didn’t appreciate the tone. “Obviously, I am happy enough. It’s nothing to do with me feeling like there’s something missing. I just, I thought it might be healthy to put some closure on some things is all. I really didn’t think what I chose to do would be this big of a deal to everyone.”

“I take it Shanna supports this crazy idea?”

“It’s not crazy and if you have to know, then no she doesn’t. Not entirely anyway but she at least gets that it’s my decision.”

“I just worry about you, sometimes. I don’t think you look out for yourself as much as you’re allowed to.”

She didn’t know how to take that. “I can look after myself.”

“I know you can but you shouldn’t have to is what I’m saying, not all the time. Other people can help, y’know? You might not realise it but you’re a big part of my family and regardless of what I say here and now, you know full well my mom is gonna be a hell of a lot worse,”

Thankfully, they both laughed. That was true. She contemplated making some kind of pact with him so that Lisa didn’t find out until it was absolutely necessary but figured now wasn’t the time to ask him. Instead she opted to bring him in for a hug and she felt him physically calm in her arms, no doubt at Shan’s predicament as well.

“I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I’ll figure this out myself.” She fixed him with as big a grin as she could manage. It might help her believe it, too.

Chris wasn’t so convinced.

*

Thankfully, Shan had made it through the night without swallowing her tongue. Sarah could only manage a couple of hours sleep in the end and would keep waking at random intervals to check on her. At one point, she thought she could hear Chris moving around in their lounge but decided against checking to see if he was OK. The rule of thumb for living with the Evanses, according to Carly, dictated you could only attainably deal with one of them at a time.

She left for work an hour earlier than usual in a bid to avoid the uncomfortable atmosphere at home, both Shan and Chris being as stubborn as each other.

“I’ve decided that I will let you buy me a coffee.” Greg said confidently as he walked up to stand beside her at the triage desk. “If you’re not busy. Lunchtime maybe?”

“Oh, um,” She thought about letting him down a second time until she caught Audrey’s death stare on the other side of the corridor, coming towards them both like Jaws. “Yeh, er, lunchtime would work for me. No problem.”

“Great! That’s a date, then!”

“Awesome, you guys managed to figure it out!” Audrey moved into Greg’s eyeline now, beaming at them both. “If you want to go a little earlier, feel free. It’s pretty quiet here and I don’t mind covering for a while?”

“Sure, that would be fantastic, thank you. Sarah, shall I meet you outside in 5?” Greg asked, his tone a little less than that of a giddy child being told he could eat candy for dinner.

“OK, yeh. I’ll just go grab my jacket.”

Sarah waited for Greg to leave the desk before scolding Audrey, or at least attempting to. She could never win an argument with her no matter how hard she tried. Truly, it was futile. Audrey was like some kind of wizard, which made sense given her history with her alma mater’s debate team (side note: she was kicked out of the group after arguing with an adjudicator).

“It’s just coffee. I don’t know what you’re so bothered about. He’s nice and he likes you. Just…don’t bum him out.”

It was a quiet walk to Joe’s. Sarah wasn’t entirely sure what to talk about and figured talking shop might not be the way to go. He ordered for them both, just a couple of decaf lattes, and they took a booth towards the back so as to avoid any potentially nosy co-workers popping by. Not that she was bothered too much, she liked the people that she worked with; it was more that she didn’t enjoy the questions that came with dating a colleague and it would also force her to calculate how long it had been since she had had a proper date. Was Chris right? Was Daniel her last known interest? Oh god, how depressing.

“I really hope we get that game in some time soon. I reckon I could show you a thing or two,”

Greg managed to snap her out of her head.

“Oh, yeh, it wouldn’t be too hard. I’ve played maybe two games my whole life.” She saw Greg look confused. “Audrey bent the truth somewhat the other day.”

He bobbed his head in understanding but couldn’t hide the little bit of disappointment. “She’s been keen to set us up I bet?”

Sarah nodded. “She’s a good mate. She looks out for me a lot. I’ve known her almost as long as I’ve been in Boston now.”

“Oh yeh? Yeh, she seems nice.” He played with his cup for a second before speaking again. “I hope you don’t feel under pressure to come out with me. Honestly, if you’d rather not, I completely understand. I don’t wanna make you feel awkward or anything.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. I’ve liked working with you. You seem nice and you’re clearly very talented.” She smiled at him and for the first time she realised how nervous he seemed. He held himself in the hospital with such confidence and stature, it almost didn’t seem like she was sat across from the same person.

“Thank you. I like you, too. You’re very…unassuming.” He offered in return. She wasn’t sure how to take that and he must have seen a look of perplexity on her face or something because he felt the need to quickly backtrack. “Not that, I mean. I mean that you don’t chase the limelight. You just do your job, very well, and you don’t expect any thanks for it. That’s refreshing. Where I come from, people are always vying for the limelight. It’s hard to mark yourself out as anything special.”

Sarah hadn’t thought of the medical profession as a competition before. She’d never thought she had to best anyone or prove she was better than anyone else. Surely everyone just had the same goal? Maybe it was different as a Physician.

Suddenly Greg made sense to her. She couldn’t quite believe it but she felt sorry for him.

He put his cup back on the table and looked at her, his eyes smiling. “So, that tennis match. Do you fancy rescheduling?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for stopping by :)


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies - bit of a short one; intended to be a bridge to the next chapters and beyond :)

It was an unusually cold afternoon in Concord. Sarah had opted for a run for the first time that week and took a scenic route through Emerson Park to view the new sculpture exhibition the Mayor had opened back in March. It was rare she got this time to herself and she had found her anxiety spiking pretty badly of late. Running always seemed to help with that.

She circled back around through the local town but soon regretted her decision when she had to take shelter in a shop doorway during a sudden downpour. Thankfully, it didn’t last long but the strangest thing happened on her way home: she wound up buying creams cakes in Bryson’s Bakery a couple of blocks away from their apartment. Hell, she’d put in the effort. She deserved a sugary treat.

Walking into her apartment, she was greeted by an obscene number of shopping bags, suit bags, and what looked like a hat box. There was almost every designer brand she had ever heard of or at least had recognised from the episode of _America’s Next Top Model_ Shan had made her watch that one time. She could hear the enthusiastic chatter between Shanna, Carly and Lisa coming from Shan’s bedroom and managed to climb over the bags to find her kitchen as she’d left it, complete with movie star hiding out with a newspaper and a beer. Chris looked so chilled out, she was almost jealous. She looked down at her jogging clothes and the few extra pounds clinging to her thighs and then back at him dressed casually in a black tee and jeans, as toned as he ever was. Fucking effortless. Jerk. He hadn’t been to the gym in weeks – something he would proudly broadcast to anyone within earshot – yet still managed to avoid putting on a single pound. He was eating and drinking whatever he wanted. He was just lucky with his metabolism, he explained. It was a goddamn deal with the devil, thought Sarah.

Chris looked up from his paper in time to see Sarah walk in and clock the bags on the floor. It took him all of .4 of a second to eye the box in her hands. He loved Bryson’s. Often, one of the first things he would do when back in town, after seeing his family of course, was to buy whatever they had left in store. He figured at this point he was one of their most valuable customers, probably more so than the unnamed NFL player Chris was certain was Julian Edelman. He hoped more than anything else that Sarah might have a strawberry cream donut in there especially for him but kept this thought to himself until he could ascertain just how annoyed she was with the mess taking up space in her home.

“Sorry, it’s for my birthday party next week. Some designers sent some things over and Mom’s evidently lost her shit. Hey, have you heard of a designer called Migos?” Chris asked as Sarah planted the box down on the kitchen island. “There is a neon yellow jumpsuit by him that I think Shanna has chosen and honestly, it’s the worst.”

“Migos? No clue I’m afraid. Why are they all sending stuff over for your party?” She opened the box and handed him his donut. Chris could have kissed her.

“The production company thinks it would be a good idea for me to have some pictures taken for social media. Show I’m an average guy or something, so they sent some outfits for the girls to wear.” Chris shrugged, too wrapped up in the donut to overthink it. Sarah could have sworn she blinked once and it was gone.

“And you’re OK with that? I thought it was just going to be a small thing? Family and close friends?”

“Yeh, I’m OK with it, I guess. As soon as Mom found out, they all got really excited about it. Didn’t have the heart to say no.” He gestured to his family currently laughing in unison down the hall. “It’s OK. It’ll get Matt off my back for a while, too.”

It wasn’t often that Sarah felt sorry for him, all tall and handsome and wealthy as he was, but she knew he prided his privacy above all things where his career was concerned, and he tried hard to keep his loved ones out of the limelight as much as he could. This couldn’t have been a decision he took lightly. As casual as he was trying to come across now, she could tell he was nervous about it, about what would be said and where the pictures would end up.

“You know I could hook you up if you like?” He offered. “There’s a lot of stuff coming in apparently. I’d bet you look great in Chanel. It’s not neon, I promise.”

“What and spill something on it? I don’t think I could live with myself.” she scoffed, mouth half full of cheesecake.

Chris looked a little wistful for a moment as a comfortable quietness fell on them while she enjoyed her cheesecake. Soon, the only sound filling the apartment came from two doors away as someone had clearly made a great choice, the distinctive sound of expensive heels clicking on the wooden floor. Sarah contemplated hiding the other cakes from them and keeping them for herself but knew she couldn’t go through with it.

“Do you think I’m boring?” She asked after a couple of minutes.

“Define boring.”

“How many different ways are there to define boring?”

“Well, there’s …” he looked up from his paper for a moment, trying to think. “No, you’re not boring.”

“OK. That took a while. Appreciate it.” She threw her fork into the sink.

“Who said you were boring?”

“No one, really. Just the other day Greg said I was unassuming.” She made air quotations with her fingers.

“Unassuming isn’t the same as boring.” He reasoned. “Unassuming just means you’re quiet, y’know? What you see is what you get type of thing.”

“And that’s not boring to you?”

“No. It’s nice. It’s…comforting.” He smiled trying to reassure her but saw the concern etched across her face. “Sarah, you’re not boring. I wouldn’t be here as much as I am if you were boring.”

“But I’m not exciting, am I? Like, you wouldn’t call me a risk-taker.” Sarah wasn’t sure if she was asking him a question much less wanting to hear an answer. Compared to some of the people Chris hung out with, she was practically Mother Theresa.

Chris couldn’t work out if she was laying a trap for him here. He had flashbacks to conversations he’d experienced in past relationships, times when he tripped up. Do I suit this Givenchy? Do you think your co-star is pretty? Were those sex scenes easy to shoot? Often, he found, there was almost no right answer. Difference here was that Sarah wasn’t like that.

“Sarah, you wouldn’t suit being a risk-taker. Trust me. It doesn’t get you anywhere fast.” He sounded serious. “You don’t need that shit in your life.”

She was grateful, of course she was, but nothing could stop the niggling doubts in the back of her mind that maybe she played things a little too safe at times. Why did she feel awkward accepting a date with Greg? He was nice and clearly into her. Maybe she was a little too quiet and careful. Maybe she could afford to be a little rash with her decisions every once in a while. What harm could be done? Audrey was right. She should learn to have a little more fun without worrying about the consequences.

“Sarah! We thought we’d missed you!” Carly came bouncing in to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Sarah’s shoulders from behind where she was sat. “Chris, you should see some of the clothes and shoes. I don’t know how you could ever get tired of this.”

Chris flicked his eyes to Sarah who looked a little apologetic, before he turned back to Carly. “Well, I’m glad you guys are having a lot of fun. Figured it out yet?”

Carly nodded. “Oh my god, yes! You’re gonna be so proud of us baby bro! Hey, Sarah? Have you figured out your plans with your folks? They should be arriving soon, right?”

“Um, yeh, that’s a good point actually. I should probably check in to see where they’re at. I’m not actually sure they remember where I live.” She grabbed her phone from her pocket and headed to her bedroom where it was quieter and she could focus on something different. She closed her bedroom door and took a breath. This wasn’t what she needed to be worrying about right now, whether a guy she was - at best - half interested in seeing thought she was a “safe” option. Her folks would be arriving at some point that day and she could look forward to spending some much needed time with them. That was all that mattered.

She located Jocelyn’s number in her iPhone and hovered her thumb over the dial, psyching herself up to call. Just as she was about to do it, Chris appeared in her bedroom holding up a garment bag with the unmistakable Chanel logo emblazoned across it.

“I grabbed this for you. Seriously, take a look. It’s pretty cute and it might make you feel better.” He laid the bag carefully on your bed, stroking down the front to remove any creases. Sarah was grateful. The only other time she’d worn a designer brand was at her graduation ceremony and she kept the label attached inside so she could return it afterwards.

“Thanks Chris. That’s really kind.” She smiled at him. Chris paused a second before backing out of her door, aware that she was gearing up to call her folks.

“Hey, just for the record?” he stopped and leaned back into her bedroom, arm leaning on the door frame. “I think you’re great just the way you are.”

*


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for bearing with me. This took a little longer than anticipated but hopefully you're still interested in seeing where this takes them.

There’s a couple of things you should probably know about Jocelyn and Noah Bernette.

The first is that they are salt-of-the-Earth people. They are friendly to anyone, heavily involved in their community, and they make regular donations to a charity that provides home improvements to families so they can live comfortably with a disability. They once spent a summer volunteering with 'Habitat For Humanity' and have fostered approximately 18 cats and dogs over the past seven and a half years. Jocelyn regularly bakes cakes for their neighbours and Noah is obsessed with his garden and tending to the Norwegian Purple Heather he paid a fortune to have shipped over from Bergen. Politically, they are liberal in practically every sense of the word. Seriously, you would have to work extra hard to trip them up if you wanted to hold any kind of debate with them.

Sadly, the Bernettes could not have children biologically for one reason or another. Jocelyn in particular struggled with that knowledge. She figured at the age of 34, with most of her friends now mothers and fathers themselves, a child was the obvious piece missing from their puzzle. Professionally, they were both pretty much at the top of their respective trees and they had no mortgage to speak of so naturally the only thing left to accomplish was raising a child. So, thereafter, followed several years of testing, waiting, waiting some more, then more testing, but the doctors couldn’t fathom why it just didn’t want to happen for them. There didn’t appear to be anything medically wrong with either of them. It was just nature, they said, as though that was supposed to be some kind of comfort to them. Eventually, when Jocelyn reached her 40th birthday, she and Noah decided it wasn’t meant to be and opted to try a different route.

Which leads to the other thing you should probably know about them; they don’t like to be reminded that Sarah is adopted. It suits them just fine to block out the first 12 years or so before they met. It’s not to say they completely disregard her past or that they want to forget they couldn’t have children, it was more that on some psychological level Sarah had long since given up trying to understand, they felt more like a real family if they could continue to believe that they had always been this way, that it was fate they would find each other and live happily ever after.

Jocelyn wanted to experience sleepless nights from a crying baby wanting to be fed but instead she learned to deal with sleepless nights waiting to see if their runaway child was going to come home before four in the morning. They would argue about boyfriends they didn’t trust or buying a car they didn’t think she would look after. Jocelyn would later attempt to make the move from mother to best friend as soon as Sarah moved away to college, always planning meet-ups or sending her cut-outs in the post about make-up thinking she would be interested in them and they could perhaps bond over shared hobbies. She could finally empathise with her friends and neighbours about whether their children were surviving their studies. All stereotypical parental concerns and she embraced each and every one of them.

Noah on the other hand, a few years older than Jocelyn, was definitely calmer about the whole thing. He was glad they chose this option for them both because he reasoned he might be too long in the tooth to start changing nappies or teach another human being how to ride a bike given that he didn’t know how to do so himself. Instead, they could take what they had, what they had both worked so hard to achieve, and help someone who hadn’t had the best start in life. Isn’t that the best way of helping your community?

Lisa once joked that she learned more about Sarah from one dinner with her folks than she had learned from Sarah herself over the course of knowing her for six months. But she couldn’t understand why Sarah had a particular desire to create a distance between herself and them, and from her seemingly healthy teenage years in a quaint town in Maine, a far cry from Michigan in more ways than one. Shanna didn’t understand either but Sarah wasn’t always forthcoming about her rationale even after knowing her for as long as she did.

Sarah learned early on that it was best not to talk about her birth family. She was thankful to have Noah and Jocelyn steering her at a time when it would have been all too easy for her to go off the rails. Of course, she was thankful; who wouldn’t be, living that kind of comfortable life. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It just never really settled within her. She always felt a little out of place and struggled to adjust to the wealth of positive emotions, love, and a somewhat material wellbeing she hadn’t experience before. She provided the Bernettes with their missing piece and they wanted to reward her for that but she in turn felt like something was missing from her own identity and that feeling only grew as she got older. Increasingly, she felt like who she was as a Bernette was not entirely in line with who she felt she was in the baseline of her DNA. At times she felt like she was merely living to somebody else’s expectations so moving to Boston was something akin to therapy.

“And he just gave you this?!”

Jocelyn was stood by the walk-in in Sarah’s bedroom. She usually did this under the pretence of casually catching up on life and everything else but realistically, Sarah knew she just wanted to snoop around in the hope of discovering hints of a boyfriend she’d been keeping to herself. Shanna was currently sat on Sarah’s bed, one leg tucked underneath and enjoying their relationship from a distance. She had suggested bringing up Prince Greg, as she’d dubbed him on account of his floppy hair, as a potential topic of conversation but Sarah categorically shut that down. It was kind of fascinating to watch around her family.

Jocelyn held the dress up in front her, taking it in, gobsmacked. Sarah had never seen Jocelyn this excited before. To the untrained eye, it was just a simple black mini-dress; unclingy with loose full-length sleeves and a frilly detail around the hem. There was a silver thread woven into the stitching that caught the light if you were stood the right way. Chris was right; it was cute. Shanna suggested wearing it with black tights and those heeled ankle boots that were her go-to date footwear that really highlighted her calves. Her _only_ go-to date footwear, Audrey would remind her whenever she managed to drag her into town for some shopping. Being overtly dressed-up wasn’t something Sarah was easily comfortable with and Chris knew this, so simple was definitely the way to go.

“Not exactly. It’s a loan. I’ll have to give it back afterwards.” Sarah pressed.

She was ready to get to the exhibition centre before it closed but Jocelyn didn’t seem in any particular rush. Her knowing Chris Evans was perhaps the thing Jocelyn was most proud of in Sarah’s life and she always managed to work in a conversation or two whenever she visited. Rather than be irritated by it, Sarah actually found it rather amusing. Chris seemed to have a sixth sense for guessing when Jocelyn was trying her patience, though, and played up to her a little bit so as to give Sarah a break. She once lost her asking him questions about the Academy Awards for nearly an hour. The amount of beer she had to buy him afterwards as a ‘thank you’ nearly bankrupted her.

“Well, you’ll have to make sure your hair and make-up matches. You can’t wear a dress like this with a ponytail,” she was speaking in what she assumed was a helpful tone. It was a good job she couldn’t see the face Sarah was pulling right now.

“Oh, between us all I’m sure we’ll be able to figure it out. I’ll have to do the same thing, too.” Shan was trying her best to act nonchalant in an effort to support her best friend. “I mean, it’s not often any of us get the chance to get dressed these days, really.”

“How lovely. You can borrow my emerald earrings if you like? They’ll bring out your eyes.” Jocelyn was more than a little eager now, no doubt buzzing at the thought of having her personal jewellery plastered all over Instagram. She zipped up the dress bag and placed it carefully back inside the wardrobe while Sarah and Shan just smiled at each other knowingly.

As Jocelyn moved to the bathroom to wash her hands, they left the bedroom opting for the relative safety of the living room where Noah had set up camp alongside Chris and ESPN. He was a keen follower of most sports with golf a particular favourite. He was saving up for tickets to the PGA tour next year as a retirement gift to himself. Sarah knew Jocelyn wasn’t going with him but couldn’t be entirely sure that he hadn’t invited Chris along in her place.

“What’s she mithering you about this time?” Noah asked, eyes glued to the TV screen. He didn’t get much time to sit and be still watching television at home so visiting his daughter was even more of a treat. If Sarah could survive being the sole focus of Jocelyn’s attention for hours on end, he would have happily left them to it for the afternoon and set up camp with Chris and a glass of Talisker.

“Nothing much, it’s OK. Are you ready to go yet? It’ll take about 20mins to walk there,” Sarah was hinting as heavily as she could now, short of jingling her keys in front of their faces likes they were cats.

“Sure, go grab your mom and we’ll head out. Have you had thoughts about dinner yet? Chris, would you like to join us?”

“Well, I was quite keen on seeing the exhibition myself actually but I’d hate to cause you guys any problems with my being there,” He tried to casually shrug it off in a look she’d seen all too often lately.

“I’m sure we can manage,” Noah managed to tear himself away from the TV screen for his beloved Chris. “Is it a ball cap situation or more of a through-the-backdoor type of thing? I’ve never had to sneak around before. Could be fun?”

Sarah appreciated Noah’s casualness and evidently, judging by the grin spread across his face in that moment, so did Chris. He turned to look over the back of the couch at Sarah, silently asking her permission.

“Well, I did get a ticket in case you or Scott fancied coming…” she offered. “I mean, I’m fine if you are?”

Chris gave her a grateful smile. “Give me two minutes and I’ll be right with you.”

*

For this time of day, the gallery was surprisingly busy but mainly full of people Sarah figured were die-hard fanatics of his art and who probably wouldn’t recognise Chris if he appeared in front of them dressed in his full _Captain America_ get-up waving the American flag. As they passed by the smiling security guard, Noah wondered quietly to Sarah what the Venn diagram of McCurry aficionados crossed with Marvel fans would realistically look like. Given his nerdiness for all things mathematical, no doubt he’d have an answer figured out for them by the time they reached the Vietnam display two halls away.

“…and this was the photograph that started the Live Aid charity.” Jocelyn stopped in front of a small photograph, no larger than one you’d have in a frame at home yet unmistakable on the wall alongside dozens of other images, Sharbat’s eyes piercing your soul. Walking slightly ahead of them, she’d somehow managed to link arms with Chris and was now acting as their defacto tour guide, explaining each piece to him in turn as though he’d never seen them before. Anyone who knew Chris properly would know he greatly enjoyed photography and was well read on the latest pieces. Nevertheless, he was still polite and nodded along as she enthusiastically spoke of the lens McCurry used to achieve the effects of his art.

As they moved through to the third and final hall space, things had gotten noticeably quieter as more people were filtering out. Noah and Jocelyn were deep in conversation with a local art student who had stopped to sketch a couple of pieces, and Chris seemed far more relaxed and happy walking around without his NASA cap on. No one had paid him any attention all afternoon, it must have been a nice change of pace for him.

Sarah lost track of how long she had been staring at a larger canvas piece of a bridge with a giant concrete hand underneath holding the structure up. The place was unknown and the image was photographed from high up, possibly from a plane or helicopter. It was oddly serene even if the bridge had become overgrown with reeds and dirt.

“I think it’s meant to represent Mother Nature’s battle against Man,” Chris spoke quietly as he approached her from behind, standing to one side as she continued to stare at the image.

“That’s an interesting theory. Where did you read that?”

“I happen to have an ongoing subscription with National Geographic.” Chris said, comically smoothing his beard in contemplation. Sarah almost believed him until she registered what he had said. Chris clocked her side-eying him. “Joss told me to tell you when she saw you looking at it.”

She smiled at him before turning back to the wall. “I think I want to visit this place one day. It’s like the complete opposite of Boston.” She mused.

“You’d never leave Boston. It’s in your DNA now. You’re officially one of us.”

“That’s…. that sounds vaguely threatening.”

“You have leprechaun pyjamas and you’ve been drunk at Fenway. You pretty much tick all of the boxes.” Chris smirked and turned to walk away.

“How do you know I have leprechaun pyjamas?” Sarah followed behind him.

“I didn’t. You just told me.” Sarah punched him in the arm and Chris pretended to wince.

Noah had somehow managed to loop back around to the bookshop from the start to purchase a couple of prints and a biography before joining them as they headed towards the exit. The rain had started getting a little heavier during the time they had been inside and Sarah chastised herself for ignoring Jocelyn’s advice to bring an umbrella with her. If there was one thing you could guarantee in even the nicest of Summers, it’s that Jocelyn Bernette always, ALWAYS, carried an umbrella in her handbag. Also, one of those waterproof macs that rolled up to the size of a dollar bill but she couldn’t convince anybody that they were a good idea.

As they gathered outside, Sarah gently pulled Chris back by his elbow. “Hey, there’s no pressure on staying for dinner if you’d rather head out or whatever. I think they were keen on you stopping out with us but I’m happy to make an excuse if you’d rather not.”

“What? No, it’s totally fine. I really like your folks. They’re fun and interesting.” Chris noticed Sarah’s look of scepticism. “Seriously, you need to chill. I’m having a good time. It’s nice doing normal things for a change.”

“In that case, I’ll let them know you’re up for a bike ride tomorrow. Dad wants to rent a tandem.”

“Are you… Are you being serious?” Sarah nodded. “Wow they really go all out, huh? What are you gonna do while they do that?”

“No idea. Probably hold their bags.”

Chris laughed. “Man, those two are cute. I’d kill to be that dorky when I’m their age. You’re so lucky.”

Sarah considered his point for a moment, looking at Jocelyn waving her flip phone up in the air trying to get a signal. She’d lost track of the number of times she’d tried to convince her to upgrade, telling her they could stay in touch more easily with Whatsapp rather than pages-long emails once or twice a week. Sadly, this would turn out to be the last positive memory they would have of their peaceful afternoon.

“Can I ask you something, but you have to promise not to get mad.” Chris posed an interesting question. How was she supposed to respond to that?

“I don’t get why you’re meeting Charlotte.” He could see Sarah about to protest and continued regardless. “I don’t see what good can come from this. You’ve tried it once before, it failed, and you didn’t leave your bed for two weeks. I was there, Sarah. It was horrible. I don’t understand why you would put yourself through that again.”

His tone was a little louder than he realised and placed a hand over his mouth, wiping at his beard as if that would somehow erase his words from having been spoken. Sarah didn’t know what to say. She was tired with a continuous feeling of frustration at having to explain away her decisions at every turn. She hadn't mentioned meeting her birth mother for a while now but could sense the apprehension people had at the thought. If it wasn’t Chris, it was Shanna, and if it wasn’t Shanna, Audrey had taken to kindly informing her she was taking an unnecessary risk although she didn’t put it quite so mildly.

“You don’t have to agree with me. I get that no one supports me here,”

“Oh, that’s unfair. Jesus.” He turned to face away from where Jocelyn was stood, only a few feet ahead of them but seemingly oblivious to their contention. “It’s not just you that this affects, you know. You seem to forget that." There was no mistaking his argument this time as he drew Sarah’s attention back in her mother’s direction.

“Have you guys been talking about this behind my back?” Sarah finally asked after what felt like minutes of silence. Noah was now indicating at something ahead of them.

Chris took a deep breath and Sarah could tell he was refraining from saying something he might regret. “No, we haven’t. We’re just concerned is all. You don’t know her–”

“- hence why I am going to meet her.”

“- _and_ you don’t know what she is after.”

She stood still as Chris continued walking but only getting a few steps ahead of her before noticing she’d stopped altogether. Jocelyn and Noah continued on ahead of them, enjoying the drizzly walk and the lights of the town and gradually getting further and further away.

“Do you not think it's just that she wants to know who I am? What is it that you think she is after?”

“Sarah, don’t do this, OK? I’m not going to get into an argument with you about this now because I’m not going to say what you want to hear. I’m sorry.” He looked at her carefully for a second. “I just…I see you guys together hanging out and it fits, y’know? You’re so like them, Sarah. You think the same things, you like the same things. If I didn’t know you at all, I’d think you were the double of Joss. They’d be heartbroken if they knew what you were doing.”

Sarah couldn’t look him in the eye. The older Sarah would have possibly turned to run at this point, trying to avoid conflict at all costs, but they’d had spats before and Chris was nothing if not annoyingly unflappable. She knew he would tell her straight and as much as she might not want to hear it right in this moment, it was probably for the best.

He saw a flash of what looked like hurt cross her face. Now or never, he doubled down. “You wanted to know what I thought so I’m telling you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to make tracks but not before one last bash. “I think this is a bad idea.”

“Well, then it’s a bad idea I’ll deal with myself.”

*


	7. Chapter Seven

Curled up on the sofa next to Shan with the bottle of red Noah had left was where Sarah found herself later that same evening, not entirely of her own doing. She’d changed into her sweatpants and her old university hoodie for comfort as soon as she’d arrived back but she still found it hard to relax.

Earlier, after they’d left the gallery, they had continued walking to the restaurant Jocelyn had scouted for them based upon a magazine review she’d read in _Home & Country_. They had managed to keep their apparent awkwardness to a minimum so no one could tell but Chris soon felt the need to make an excuse and leave. Just before they arrived at the restaurant, he turned to thank Noah and Jocelyn for a nice afternoon and left them to it claiming his producer had emailed some last-minute script amendments he needed to be clued up on. Thankfully, he was a good enough actor that they didn’t suspect anything was amiss. He kissed Jocelyn on the cheek and patted Noah on the back of his shoulder but pretty much ignored Sarah as he walked off back in the direction of his own apartment, head down to avoid the rain. The three of them continued but Sarah had lost her appetite by that point so they called it a night after having a drink at the bar next door.

She texted Chris on the way home to tell him her folks had said it was nice to see him. She had no real reason to tell him that of course but it seemed like the thing to do. That was now over an hour ago and Chris still hadn’t responded. Anyone else would have assumed, logically, that he simply hadn’t seen it yet, or he had been in the process of replying but got distracted with something else, but she knew differently. She found herself anxious at the best of times but not so much concerned with what other people thought of her, if they thought anything at all, or whether she had annoyed anyone. The Evans clan were the exception to that rule. They knew her better than almost anyone. She figured, should she ever wind up missing, that she would be one of those people about whom others would give very banal police statements such as “she was quiet” or “she kept herself to herself” or “actually, now you mention it, she does look a little bit like a female Cillian Murphy.” She almost certainly would not have a candle-light vigil held for her in a park, which was a sobering thought.

“This guy’s a dick.” Spoke Shan, mouth full of cookie dough, snapping Sarah out of her head for a second. “He’s stolen another designer’s idea but the judges haven’t figured it out yet.”

Sarah tried quickly to catch up with the what was happening on the TV screen. “Is he gonna get away it? Will they get told, or…?”

“Yeh, the Producers will say something. They’re just ramping it up for the drama.”

Sarah loved how into Reality TV Shanna was. Don’t count her out of a quiz team; she knows everything there is to know about _Project Runway_ and could put anyone to shame with her intricate knowledge of Kim Kardashian’s romantic life. Possibly even more so than Kim herself. It was both strangely impressive and kind of scary at the same time, and was possibly also the reason why Chris never invited her to parties in L.A.

“So, who is going to win again? Is there a frontrunner yet?”

“We’ve only had three episodes but Jody, definitely. She’s soooo cool. I’m following her on Instagram and she designed these flares that I’m gonna buy if they ever go on sale.” Shan pulled out her phone and started scrolling through the app to find them.

Sarah poured herself another glass of wine and waited to be blown away by Shan’s ever-changing fashion sense. She wished she was as confident with clothes and colour as Shanna had grown to be. She was never afraid to experiment with what she wore, often clashing but somehow always pulling it off. Confidence is key, she would say if you asked her for advice. You can wear absolutely anything you like if you act like you don’t give a shit. In stark contrast, if you managed to find something that wasn’t beige or mauve in Sarah’s closet, it would be a miracle. Actually, if you managed to find anything in her closet that was younger than five years old would be a rarer find than a double rainbow. “Autumnal” is how she would describe it. “Dull as fuck” would be Audrey’s response

“Oh, Chris wants to know if we’re bringing anyone to his party next week. Matt needs numbers. Do you think Audrey will fancy coming?” Shan offered without looking up from her phone. “Actually, stupid question.”

“Actually, no, I don’t think so. I think it’s hers and Michael’s anniversary. She mentioned they were thinking of driving up to the coast.” She took a sip from her glass. “Did he just ask you that?”

“Yeh. Well, like ten minutes ago but I forgot to say anything.” Shan was still scrolling through her phone to find the photograph and couldn’t see the hint of dejection cross Sarah’s face.

“Here they are. Look. Funky or what?” Shan excitedly waved her phone in Sarah’s direction so she could only make out a swirl of blue and purple. They were definitely flares, though. Ideal for a themed costume party but probably everyday wear for someone as ballsy as Shanna. “I reckon these with my black platforms and that red angora sweater of yours.” Maybe Sarah’s wardrobe was of some appeal after all.

“Yeh, I could see you in those for sure.” Sarah smiled. “But that sweater is the only decent thing I could wear on a date that isn’t part of my day to day stuff so you need to be careful with it.”

“Aww you saving it for Greg?” Shan winked.

“Hardly.” Sarah tried to find the energy to eye roll back at her but she was too bothered by the confirmation that Chris was almost certainly absolutely definitely ignoring her.

“Shan? I think I’ve done something stupid and I’m not sure what to do.”

Shan looked taken aback for a moment before just plain confused. “Sarah, you don’t do “stupid”. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s fixable.” She leaned forward a little, moving closer to Sarah on the armchair next to the couch. “You know, it sounds odd but I had this feeling something was going on. You’ve been a little distracted lately. What is it?”

Now it was Sarah’s turn to hope Shanna wouldn’t be mad at her. “You know I contacted the agency? About Charlotte? Well, they’ve put me in touch with her and things have moved on a little bit since and now we’re sort of talking to each other. We’re thinking of meeting up soon.”

Shanna’s eyes grew wider in surprise. She’d known about Sarah’s response to the agency’s request and had made her feelings approximately clear some time before, but the actual talking part was new information.

“We’ve been texting a bit.” Sarah continued with some trepidation. “She gave them her number to pass on to me. She’s thinking of coming to Boston soon, maybe to have a drink or something. What do you think?”

Shan looked at Sarah without blinking for a moment. She didn’t know what to think. “Wow, you have her number? And she has yours? Obviously, sorry. That was a dumb thing to ask. OK. Well, I guess that’s that then.” Shanna placed her phone down on the coffee table in front of her and readjusted her position on the couch so she was facing Sarah more now.

Sarah rubbed the back of her neck. “Chris thinks I’m being stupid.”

“Oh, Chris thinks everyone is stupid if they don’t think the exact same way he does.” Shanna exaggerated her eye roll causing Sarah to chuckled. “Have you heard him talk about Giants fans?!”

“He is right, though, isn’t he? It’s a risk. I mean, she didn’t want to know before so what’s changed now?”

“A lot of things could have changed, Sarah. I guess you’ll find out soon enough.” Shanna responded. “When do you think you guys’ll meet?”

“She’s gonna let me know. She has to travel to Boston so I guess it depends on her journey.” Sarah shrugged, noting Shanna’s scepticism. “I’m sure she’ll contact me.”

“Yes, of course she will.” Shanna briefly paused. “Where is she from?”

“Raleigh, North Carolina. She wasn’t born there, I don’t think. Moved for work. I’m guessing she’s from Michigan originally but I don’t really know that for sure.”

Shanna nodded along, taking in everything Sarah was telling her and trying not to appear cynical. Having been on the end of something similar some years earlier, she appreciated how comforting the support was even if she herself knew it to be forged somehow. She knew the last thing Sarah would need right now was to be told she was being foolish, and she made a mental note to elbow her stupid brother in his ribcage the next time she saw him.

“I was going to tell them this weekend but I bottled it. After everything Chris said, I just figured maybe they would think I didn’t appreciate them enough. I just can’t put that on them. Not now. Not until I’ve at least met her.” Sarah rubbed both hands down her face. She didn’t know what to do and had kind of hoped that Shanna would magically make everything better.

“From everything I know of Joss and Noah, I really don’t think they would ever stop you from seeing her.” Shan nudged Sarah’s foot with her own, trying to get her attention back. “You can’t expect them to be over the moon about it but they would at least understand your choosing to do so. And despite Chris’s opinion, that’s what this is. _Your_ choosing. You have control over this and if you say so, well, then…that’s all that matters.”

Sarah smiled softly at Shanna, glad she’d taken the plunge and finally told her what was going on. Her shoulders felt a little lighter after removing some of the weight.

“But, I can’t promise we’ll be OK. We’ll worry about you until she gives us reason not to.” Shanna leaned back on the couch, wine now in hand, and curled her feet back under herself. “Tough shit.”

Sarah watched as a smile slowly spread across Shanna’s face, her eyes full of sympathy. “You have to face it. We love you very much and if she dares even cross you? Just once? We’ll burn her house down.”

“OK.” Sarah nodded, wiping her eyes of the tears that had started forming in the corners. “OK. Deal.”

*

Nothing had really changed in the days that followed. Sarah had the impression Chris was continuing to ignore her, with only short, clipped phrases padding out any conversation they might have had by accident. She was also pretty sure he and Lisa had both taken to talking to Shanna about it when he thought she couldn’t hear him, casually enquiring about her plans to meet. At several times, she caught the ends of hushed conversations and experienced the odd awkward moment where everything would freeze as soon as she’d walk into the room. If they had been hoping to alleviate any concern, they were failing. Shanna was also a terrible liar at the best of times but to her credit, Sarah had heard her give Chris an earful for what he’d said to her following their visit to the McCurry exhibition and he had promised to offer Sarah an apology but that had yet to materialise, not that she cared much. Shanna had also decided not to give away any details of their impending meeting and for that, she’d be eternally grateful.

“So,” Audrey said, leaning on the desk where Sarah had set up camp to catch up on some patient admin. “You’re really going to see her, huh? How will you know it’s her?”

“How do you mean?” Sarah looked up briefly from the papers in front of her, a crease forming on her brow. She was fed up of people’s judgements.

“Will she be carrying a white newspaper and some roses, or has she sent you a photograph of herself so you know who to look out for?”

No sarcasm intended, Audrey was serious and she was right. That was a really good question. Crap. She hadn’t given much thought to asking Charlotte what she looked like and the photograph from twenty-nine years ago of a young curly-haired brunette with wide, tired eyes might not be the most entirely accurate depiction to work off. She could be a full-time blonde right now, and she had no idea how tall or slim she might be. In a strange way, being caught up in the unnerving anticipation of finally meeting her birth mother, she must have simply assumed they would bear a passing resemblance to one another. That their eyes would meet across a room and they would know instantly who the other person was. Maybe they would hug first and conversation would flow naturally from there and it would be like, where have you been all my life? One thing that Lisa had offered by way of advice was to tell Sarah to stop putting unrealistic expectations on herself. She told her she didn’t want her to be disappointed but it was almost too late for that now. She couldn’t help but get a little carried away the more she thought about the infinite possibilities and the closer their arranged date crept up on her, the more agitated she became.

Work had been something of a welcome distraction. A chance to ground herself in reality as opposed to daydreaming all the what-ifs she might have before the weekend arrived. She’d even allowed herself to flirt a little bit with Greg, not too much but certainly enough to garner Audrey’s amusement and surprise.

“I’m just saying. It’s worth asking for some kind of idea of what she plans to wear, or maybe you should tell her something about yourself?” Audrey suggested. “I’ve always thought you would look amazing with rose gold hair and _that_ would give you a perfect way to stand out.”

“I’m not gonna dye my hair. Remember what happened last time? That charity thing? I had to replace all of my towels.” They both laughed at the memory but something had clearly struck a chord somewhere inside her and Sarah pondered it for a second. “You’re right, though. I haven’t really thought much beyond the day itself.” Sarah looked back down at the work in front of her, all of it suddenly losing focus. “Tell you the truth, I have no idea what I’m going to say to her.”

“Yes, you are quite awkward at the best of times, aren’t you?”

Sarah eyed Audrey for a second unsure of what to say before catching the smirk on her face. She threw a rolled up memo note at her face.

“What do you think you’ll say to her?” Audrey asked, more seriously now.

Sarah took a deep breath and leaned back in her chair. Truthfully, she had been losing sleep over this very subject, swinging between general chit-chat you would have with a long-lost pal you’d just added on Facebook, and calling her every name under the sun. She figured the fairest most useful thing would be somewhere between the two.

“Honestly? I have no idea. Every time I think I have a hold on the situation, some other thought pops into my head and it’s like I’m back at zero again.” She threw the pen she’d been holding on to the table and looked at Audrey. Audrey’s face was full of something akin to worry.

“If you like, I could always call you, like on a date? If everything is OK, you can ignore it. If not, it could be your get-out clause?” Audrey offered. If Sarah had asked, Audrey would have probably staked the place out and sat next to them all night, and only partly because she was nosier than she would admit.

“I love you, Audrey.”

Audrey playfully rolled her eyes. “OK, I get it. This is something you have to do yourself. Just know the offer still stands, OK?” Sarah nodded gratefully. “I’m off in ten and I don’t think I’ll see you again before, so…take care. Let me know how it goes, yeh?”

She grabbed Sarah’s shoulder in a tight grip before walking out of the room, leaving Sarah to her mountain of paperwork and another three hours of shift before she could head home and try to get some sleep.

Sarah waited a second before pulling her phone out of her pocket. The last messages she had sent over the past day or two had all been to Charlotte; all of them casual enough but she’d answered every single one of them. Relief washed over her momentarily as she considered how to approach the awkward subject of not having a clue what her biological mother looked like. Then again, this whole situation was awkward. It was awkward as hell, so she just went for it.

Sarah 9.02pm

Just a thought. Who should I look out for this Friday?

Mercifully, she didn’t have to wait long for a response. The feeling she had was almost pleasant and it caught her off guard.

Charlotte 9.09pm

Oh my word, I didn’t think!! I’ll be in a red dress. Boots. Honestly, I only have one nice outfit ;)

She allowed herself to smile for a second at her reply, taking a moment to think about what she was doing. If she could meet Charlotte for an hour, nothing too pressured, she could easily grab a cab to Chris’ place afterwards and still be there before 9pm. No one would notice.

Sarah 9.12pm

No problem. I’ll look out for you. Still OK for 7.30?

Charlotte 9.14pm

Absolutely! Looking forward to it x


	8. Chapter Eight*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this out. I’ve been writing several chapters at the same time to put some order into the story, so this is something of a longer chapter.
> 
> NSFW. Language. Unprotected Sex.

Chris knew this would more than likely be the last time he would see his friends for a while. The reshoots loomed ever closer, the knot in his stomach was getting tighter, and he was growing more and more unnerved at the prospect of what was lying ahead of him. He was determined to make the most of this night as much as he physically could.

He showered and made himself vaguely presentable, ignoring the navy Chanel sweater and trousers that had arrived earlier that morning and opting instead for a plain white tee and jeans. His favourite red belt made a special appearance. He began regretting his decision to allow his management team to redecorate his pad in order to make it “friendlier on the eye” as soon as he took stock of his open lounge. They’d shifted some of the furniture around, added some fresh flowers and balloons here and there, and taken down the photograph of a family trip to Disney that used to be hanging in the entrance hallway. There was also a distinctly sweet and fragrant smell of freesias wafting through the air. It smelled like Springtime and positivity. He hated it.

Just a few “unfiltered” photographs, they said. Nothing too intrusive or stressful. Now, however, they were looking to cover up the potential fall-out from his fling with Jenny after she’d helpfully announced the day before that she was starting divorce proceedings. Matt had taken to messaging him at half-hour intervals to remind him his house needed to be bustling with as many people as possible even if he didn’t know them all personally. He needed to look carefree, he was instructed, and unbothered by whatever may be going on in somebody else’s private life because it had nothing to do with him, right? Maybe flirt a little bit. Bring out the “big guns” and the Boston “bro” personality his fans loved to see. For God’s sake, just try to look as single as possible.

People weren’t due to start arriving until 7 but it didn’t stop Chris from drinking almost as soon as he had woken up, calling on Scott and a couple of his oldest pals to come and join him for some pre-party beers.

“Woah.” Said Gary, walking in closely behind Scott, carrying a crate of Budweiser. He took one exaggerated sniff of the perfumed air surrounding him. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say we’d come to the wrong place!”

“Are we allowed to touch anything?” joked Scott, mocking him by tip-toeing in past the guys.

“Don’t ask. Just do whatever you like, please. I need it to at least feel like it’s still my home.” Chris scratched his head in disbelief. It looked more like something featured on the ‘Gram of a would-be Influencer than the home of a 30-something bachelor who had no time for soft furnishings and Feng Shui.

“Bro, it’s your birthday! You could at least look happy about it.”

Chris wasn’t drunk enough to muster much more than a half-smile at his brother at that point but figured a few more beers might encourage him to lighten up. He must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. He was about to follow the lads into his kitchen when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. If it was Matt bugging him one more time, he swore he’d throw the phone out of the window.

_Unknown 1.09pm_

_Happy birthday sweetie. Can’t wait to see you again x_

“Who’s that?” said Scott as he emerged from the kitchen, beer in hand.

Chris just shook his head. “I have absolutely no idea.”

Gradually as the hours passed by, a steady stream of people started making their presence known. Most parties Chris threw rarely went off as originally organised but he didn’t much care. It was always implied that his downtown apartment had an open-door policy when it came to friends and family turning up unannounced. Hell, many would stay for days at a time and he wouldn’t care. If he was holding a party or a game night, people could just show up whenever they felt like it even if Chris himself wasn’t awake or ready to greet them in person.

The vibe soon started picking up and the music was louder now. Scott had made various playlists and was doing the duty of hosting people better than Chris, who had been glued to his phone on and off for most of the afternoon. More and more of his friends arrived with their partners and Chris would give them a bro-shake but pretty much leave them to it. It was…odd. He wasn’t sure what was going on but he was growing concerned that his brother wasn’t much enjoying his birthday celebrations. The table in the hallway was rife with gifts and cards, and the beer and alcohol levels were not in danger of diminishing any time soon. Chris had gone overboard on catered food but he himself had yet to touch anything. That was a danger sign, Scott thought. Last thing he needed was a drunk and melancholy actor on his hands this early in the evening. Thankfully, Chris perked up as soon as he saw his mom and Shanna arrive, and Scott breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hello darling. Happy birthday!” Lisa called out to him and embraced him in a typical motherly hug, all stretched arms and smiles, running her hand under his chin as he pulled away. “How is everything?”

“Yeh, all good. Thanks mom. You look great!” Chris moved in to kiss her on the cheek again before pulling back to allow Scott his turn. “Wow, Shan, I really didn’t think you could make that shade of yellow look even more grotesque but you did it!”

When she was sure Lisa couldn’t see her, Shanna flipped him the bird. Chris feigned offense before wrapping his arm tightly around her shoulders and walking her towards the lounge. “Baby sis, you can’t be mean to me on my birthday.”

“Ugh…I really can’t handle you when I don’t have a drink in my hand.”

“Then let’s fix that!”

Chris shifted past a few friends, all greeting him and patting him on the back as he and his sister moved by. Several faces he didn’t recognise so Matt would be proud of him, he thought. “So, is Sarah traveling separate to you guys?” Chris asked, finally taking one of the wrapped boxes out of his mom’s hands.

“I think so. Do you want these in the fridge or in the pantry for later?” Lisa asked indicating the cupcakes she’d been asked to pick up on the way over.

“Um, just leave them there for now, it’s fine.”

Before he got a chance to speak to his mother again, it was too late. He watched as she was grabbed by Josh and his new girlfriend and started to make her way around her son’s oldest friends, greeting them all as though she hadn’t seen them in years. Shanna reappeared next to him, rifling through the bottles of vodka until she landed on her favourite.

“Is Sarah not coming then?” Chris asked, more concerned this time that no one seemed to know exactly where she was.

“Not if you’ve going to continue being a dick to her, she’s not.” Shanna turned around to Chris’ fridge and began perusing the selection of mixers. “Where’s the cranberry juice?”

“It’s inside the door.” He responded. Shanna couldn’t see for looking but finally located the carton of juice and poured a fraction of what she needed into the glass before topping it up with a very generous amount of vodka “I was kinda hoping to apologise to her in person actually. Is she still really upset? She hasn’t answered my texts.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well, you were out of line, Chris. But yes, she’ll be here, I’m sure. I think she just had something to do first.”

Chris knew Shanna was hiding something from him. She was a terrible liar.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He grabbed the glass from her hands. “I am not looking after you tonight.”

“Don’t worry, Grandpa. I’ll make sure she gets home safe.” Scott reappeared alongside them, merrier than before and holding a small plate of food for Chris. “Why don’t you “mingle” mingle? Your audience awaits, kind Sir.”

Just as Chris was about to protest, his phone vibrated again in his pocket.

_Unknown 9.22pm_

_I hope you’re having a great time tonight. The party looks amazing! Can’t wait to catch up with you properly x_

*

At some point around 10pm, Chris escaped. He retreated to his little hideout behind a tree that gave him a clear view of his property without the pressure of being spotted. His phone had buzzed a couple more times and he was now sure it was Jenny that was reaching out to him. She’d been leaving little heart emojis on some photographs that had already appeared online. He felt a little sick and just needed to get away from the crowds, now far tipsier than he was, annoyingly. He took the cigarette he’d bunged from a friend and lit it, savouring the feeling. In that moment was possibly the calmest he’d felt all day.

“Who are you hiding from, birthday boy?” Chris knew it would be Scott who would find him eventually.

Chris shrugged. “No one. Just needed the air.”

“Yeh, right. Mom knows you smoke by the way. No point hiding it now.” Scott took the cigarette and took a slow drag himself before handing it back to him. “Zach hates me smoking inside.”

“Is that why you’ve started running?” Chris smirked.

“Running’s healthy. It’s all about balance.” Scott observed his brother for a moment. “What’s going on? You’ve been quiet all day. You’ve only had, what, three beers? That’s not like you.”

Chris shrugged unconvincingly, avoiding eye contact before his phone buzzed again. He quickly dove into his pocket to grab it but shifted uncomfortably when he saw who it was.

“Somebody’s keen.” Scott didn’t need to ask to know who it was. He could read his brother like a book. “Can’t believe she hasn’t got the message by now.” Scott continued to eye him, unsure of what was going through his head. “That’s not what’s got you down, is it? There’s nothing going on, is there?”

Chris glanced at his brother and shook his head. He knew he’d been caught out and at this point, he was too tired to deny it. “I still haven’t heard from Sarah. I’ve tried apologising and it’s like she’s just ghosting me or something.”

“Stop being melodramatic. She lives with your sister. She’s not “ghosting” you, you dick.” His attempt to lighten the mood between them fell flat and he realised humour was apparently going to be wasted on Chris this evening. “She’s got a lot on her plate right now, what with Charlotte and work and everything. Just give her a break, OK? It’s a tricky thing she’s trying to navigate here.”

“I don’t know about that.” He shook his head slowly, crushing the cigarette under his shoe. “I said she was being ungrateful.”

Scott sighed. “Well, that’ll explain it. Hey, remember when Shan was a teenager and she got all those letters out of the blue?” Chris nodded at the distant memory. “I think the one thing we need to keep in mind here, with Sarah, is that she chose to reach back. She’s doing things her way and no one is forcing her. That’s gotta be a positive, right?”

*

Sarah felt like an idiot. She had no one to blame but herself. She couldn’t even lean on Shanna for support right now, and she didn’t want to disturb Audrey at this hour if she was mid-celebration with Michael. She threw her coat on the stand and stood in the hallway of her apartment, bag swinging low. She kicked off her shoes and took off her tights to feel the coolness of the floor on the soles of her feet. It was a small comfort. The text message was still showing on her phone that was still grasped in her hand as if she hadn’t been staring at it for the past three hours.

_Charlotte 7.52pm_

_I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this. Please forgive me._

Sarah had decided to arrive at the venue a little earlier than they’d agreed to meet. She didn’t know what she was planning on doing by deciding that but she just knew she couldn’t sit around the flat any longer, her stomach tied in knots. She hadn’t eaten much of anything that day but claimed she was saving herself for the extensive catering Chris would not doubt have laid on now that his guest list had multiplied.

She had spent some time getting ready with Shanna and Lisa but left her hair and make-up quite simple figuring she could add to it on the way to the party later on. She didn’t want to make an unfair first impression on Charlotte. She knew she didn’t want to look like she was a party girl but equally so, she didn’t want to appear to have given too much thought to what she was wearing to meet her in the first place. She wanted to remain as casual as possible which was some kind of weird irony given what was taking place.

She managed to make a relatively quiet exit as Lisa was helping zip up the back of Shanna’s jumpsuit, telling them she’d be there as soon as she could. They didn’t ask her any questions. She just left and got into the cab that was waiting for her around the corner. A little under fifteen minutes later, she was outside the bar, trying to regulate her breathing. Maybe Charlotte was already inside? Maybe she had had the exact same thought and was having one for courage before they met? That thought made her laugh a little. She opened the door and gave her name to the rep who proceeded to show her to a nice booth in the far corner. Charlotte hadn’t arrived after all but Sarah had a clear eye on the door and could see the outside, as much good as it did her.

She poured herself another glass and wiped at the tears in her eyes. She couldn’t believe she had been reduced to crying over someone she had never met. She couldn’t believe she had allowed herself to assume everything would work out despite evidence to the contrary.

Everyone was right. She was a fool.

She heard the door go but couldn’t face seeing Shanna. She swiped at her face as much as she could, trying to remove any and all hints of her crying. Shanna told her once she was jealous of how she could cry without her skin getting all red and blotchy.

She clocked the time and realised it was perhaps a little too early for her to be coming home unless Scott had shoved her into a taxi, which wouldn’t have surprised her. Loud music and a free bar were Shan’s undoing. She composed herself and waited for Shanna to appear in the doorway, worse for wear, but everything had gone silent. Sarah got up and walked out of the kitchen, not sure what to expect but certainly not expecting to find Chris stood with his back against the door, keys dangling between his fingers. He seemed smaller somehow.

His expression briefly turned towards guilt when he noticed she had been crying. He made a move towards her before ultimately deciding against it, preferring to remain still in her hallway. He looked awkward which was a feat in itself for someone who always seemed so…cool, she thought. It didn’t last long, though, a steeliness soon returning to his eyes.

“Hey,” said Sarah diffusing the silence. She suddenly became hyper-aware she was in the Chanel dress he’d given her to wear for _his_ birthday party, the party she should have been at hours ago but instead chose to blow off carelessly in favour of meeting somebody who really shouldn’t have mattered. Shit, she thought. She was a terrible friend. “I’m so sorry, Chris. I really don’t know wh-”

“-You know, I could have done with seeing you there, Sarah. It’s been a fucking terrible day, I’ve had my team hounding me over this Jenny bullshit and having my friends around me would have made all the difference.”

“I just,” She wasn’t sure where to go from here. He’d become so cold in the last few moments. She wasn’t really expecting it but knew she’d pushed her luck a little too much this evening. “I had something I needed to do first, and-”

“I don’t ask for much from my family but the one thing I do expect is that they turn up when they say they’re gonna turn up. You understand me? It’s my fuckin’ birthday after all and you couldn’t even manage that.” He moved past her, ignoring the tears now burning the corners of her eyes.

“Alright, Chris, you’ve made your point.” She whispered. The room felt too small and Chris looked like he’d grown a foot out of pure frustration. She just wanted to go to bed and forget this day ever happened or at least get Chris to leave so she could feel like pathetic in peace.

She could detect a faint smell of tobacco coming from his breath now he was standing closer to her. “What was so important that you couldn’t make it? Must have been amazing to blow us off like that and please don’t tell me it was Greg. I didn’t think you of all people would sack family off for some fuck you’re ambivalent about at best.”

She felt like a scolded child. Actually, no, it felt worse than that. It felt like he was picking at her, trying to get some kind of reaction out of her but what that reaction was, she didn’t know. She took a breath and calmed herself. Her hands were shaking. She was pretty sure he noticed now.

“It wasn’t like that,” She said, as calmly as possible. “I’ve said I’m sorry, Chris. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, OK? Your family and friends were there and I _was_ planning on dropping by.” She pleaded, her tone striving to be a little more even. She figured if she tried reasoning with him instead of pushing back it might allow them both to get out of this unscathed but he just scoffed.

“Dropping by? Well, gee, thank you for making me an afterthought, Sarah. I really appreciate that.”

“It’s not just you that’s had a crap night, OK?” She shouted before reigning herself in. She really didn’t want to fall out with him on top of everything else. “We all have shit to deal with. At least people turned up to see you. They didn’t just leave you hanging around, wondering what you’d done wrong.”

Chris looked confused. He sighed and placed his hands on his hips, unsure of what his next move would be. “What’s going on?”

She could feel herself tearing up again, her face getting hotter by the second. She hated crying in front of people and it invariably gave her a headache, one she’d most likely fail to overcome before bedtime. “I arranged to meet her this evening. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone until I’d seen her at least once but, um, she didn’t show.”

For once, Chris didn’t have any answers. If he had been thoughtful instead of the selfish asshole he recognised himself to be, he would have known to have shut his goddamn mouth. “Fuck, Sarah. I…I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” He took another step closer to her but she made no effort to react towards him. “You don’t deserve this.”

Sarah audibly scoffed. “Well, that’s a maybe. But hey, look, happy birthday! Looks like you were right all along! I’ll make sure to wrap it next time.”

“If I’d have known what you’ve been through today, I would have shut my mouth. You’re one of my best friends and I was just thinking of myself, like always.” He leaned against the doorframe and Sarah recognised how pathetic they both looked in that second.

“What kind of person do you have to be to reject someone twice?” Sarah whispered to herself more than anything. She gently banged her head against the doorframe in thought. She wasn’t looking for a response.

Silence passed between them for what felt like hours. They were good at being quiet around each other, neither feeling the need to dispel energy and not caring what the other was doing but this didn’t feel like those times before. She glanced across the doorway at him but didn’t recognise what was looking back at her so intently. He looked like he’d been suspended in motion and if it wasn’t for her tapping her foot on the wall behind her, she would have thought she had, too. Everything just seemed a little fuzzy now and there was a headache threatening her from behind her eyes.

Before she could move again, Chris had crossed what little space there was between them and went for her, his hands grabbing her face and pulling her into him. It was messy at first, their lips slightly out of line with each other and she couldn’t think, she couldn’t breathe. He’d taken the breath straight from her, it felt like. The only thing she could do in that moment was to grab back at his hands that were holding her face but she didn’t feel like pulling them away. Not just yet. For the first time, she had some power over what was happening to her. She was tired of being a good person, being vulnerable for others to use whenever they felt like.

She felt his lips slowly move across hers, calmer now, while she stayed almost still in his grasp. She felt one hand leave her face and reappear on her lower back and he pulled her in to bring her closer. They must have occupied less than a square foot of space stood like this. Everything was silent apart from what Sarah assumed was her heart beating or perhaps that was his? She couldn’t separate them at this point, a perfect fit soon only disturbed by the shrill buzz from someone’s phone in their nearby vicinity.

“Fuck!” Chris whisper-shouted pulling away from her, biting his bottom lip. Sarah scrabbled around to find her bag in the hallway before signing when she saw who it was. She took a breath so as not to give the game away.

“Shan? No, it’s fine, honestly.” Chris could only hear one side of the conversation as she spoke on the phone but could instantly tell from Sarah’s inability to get a sentence out that Shanna was drunk and giving her the third degree. He wanted to grab the phone and smash it against the wall. “No, it’s no problem. Don’t worry. OK? Yes. Yes, I’ll see you in a bit. Alright. Bye, lovely.”

Sarah had turned away from Chris at this point and looked down at the phone in front of her. She pursed her lips, embarrassed that she could still feel him on her. She thought she might have been imagining things but that was definitely his hand gently touching her on her hip where he’d held her just moments ago. She turned around to face him but one look into his blue eyes and she felt like she was going to collapse on the floor. She was pretty sure he could feel her shaking but he kept his grip on her, trying to work out what she was thinking. She just shook her head slowly and in confusion at what had transpired and walked out of the kitchen, down the hall to the bathroom hoping to get some privacy and some cold water on her face.

She didn’t get very far. Chris followed her and grabbed her wrist, swinging her back towards him until she crashed against him again, unsteady on her feet. There was no time to think before his lips were on hers again, harder than they were before. He had his arms around her waist and started walking her backwards towards…something, she couldn’t register what. She briefly resisted his movements but after a few steps or so he made do with the wall next to her bedroom doorway. He pressed her hard against it, his hands now back cupping her face. She could feel how hard he had become with the way he pushed his crotch into her in an attempt to keep her still against him. She knew she didn’t want to break away again, she was tired of fighting and was ready to let it just wash over her. She grabbed at his sweater with both fists and moaned into the kiss.

She shoved at him until he felt his back meet the opposite wall. The groan that left him was nothing short of filthy and something inside her snapped when she felt his hands fist in her hair while the other slipped down to grip her ass. She felt him pull up the hem of her dress, his fingers gently skimming the outside of the back of her thighs. He grabbed at her just underneath her ass and pulled her against him harder than before until they lost their balance and she ended up top of him as he slid down the wall and hit the hard wood floor beneath them. They’d have bruises tomorrow but they didn’t care.

He desperately grabbed at the hem of her dress again, this time to feel her soft skin between her thighs. Her skin was so smooth and hot to the touch, he couldn’t bear it. She felt like she was on fire. He managed to pull her panties to one side but she felt them rip as she furiously gripped at the belt on his trousers. He worked out pretty quickly what she was trying to do and took over for them both to release himself as quickly as possible. He grabbed her and in one move placed her where he wanted her. He heard her sharp intake of breath and looked up just in time to see the look of pleasure on her face as he entered her, perhaps harder than he had intended to do but she didn’t seem to mind.

Her eyes closed. He could see the blush covering her skin and her neck and he reached out to pull her face back to him as he motioned for her to move on top of him. He filled her, thrusting into her as much as he could from this angle and briefly regretted not keeping them up against the wall. He knew it would be over in a matter of seconds at this rate. They were both struggling to feel something. Make something of this godawful day.

He couldn’t take his eyes of the way she was moving. He felt her wavering slightly as he quickly approached his own release, her eyes open now and looking down at him. Their staggered breaths were the only sound filling the space. He was so close and he knew she would be too but he couldn’t ignore the look of fear growing apparent on her face. The glazed over look in his eyes felt like electricity coursing through her veins. She didn’t know it could feel as exciting as it did to be encouraged along by him like this, his hands firm on her hips, gliding her up and down, keeping him firmly inside her. She had to look away and she began to move faster, slightly out of rhythm now, scraping her knees against the floor on either side of him, pain that only served to heighten the pleasure.

She could feel him throbbing inside her as his legs began to shake and his breathing quickened. The sound of them both hitting the floor over and over again only served to push her on even more against her better judgment. It was too late to stop now, they thought. They would just have to deal with the consequences another time.

He couldn’t stop focussing on the blissed-out look covering her face and he tried to hold off from his own orgasm as long as possible. He wanted more than anything to see her hit her peak as he held her hips tighter and moved her so she could take him harder. One of her hands pushed back against the wall behind him in order to find purchase and it was this move that ultimately caused them both to hit the point of no return.

He didn’t know who came first but it didn’t matter. After a few moments, their breathing started to even out, their skin showing that unmistakable sheen of sweat that only sex could give. Without thinking, he wrapped one arm around her waist and stroked the strands of hair out of her face. He wanted her to look at him as she continued to get her breathing under control but her eyes were too tightly shut. He look scuffed up from their actions and his pupils were blown wide open. She couldn’t even imagine the state she was in. If he could have found a little strength to speak in that moment, he would have told her she was more beautiful than he’d ever seen her look before. Perhaps wisely, he decided to save that for another time.

Oh fuck.

Sarah’s brain went into overdrive as she gradually came back to reality. Chris was trying to figure out what was going through her mind as he felt her slip off him and shuffle herself to the side, pulling the hem of her dress down in a rather redundant effort to protect her modesty. Her underwear was left wrapped around one ankle as she tried to move onto her knees to stand up. She wiped at her mouth with the side of her hand and in that moment, he thought she might start crying again.

“Fuck.” She rubbed her face with her hands. He didn’t think she meant for him to hear that. It was the last thing he thought he would hear her say. He made a grab for her hand but she avoided his grasp as she stood and, on shaky legs, walked back into the kitchen leaving him ruined on the floor against the wall, shaken in more ways than one.

She couldn’t register her surroundings. She felt like she was about to throw up. How could this have happened? How could she be so stupid?

She placed both of her hands on her face and held herself there as she contemplated all the things she would need to say to him to try and make this better. No words made sense in her mind and those that did, she could barely string together to form coherent sentences. She heard Chris enter the room behind her but he stopped just inside of the doorway seemingly as unable to speak as much as she was. This was bad, she thought. So fucking bad. She felt embarrassed when she eventually clocked his messed-up hair. He looked dazed by the whole thing. No doubt his back would be bearing the brunt of their heavy mistake.

She finally reached his eyes and was met with a shy smile and a look she didn’t quite recognise. Was it pity? Concern? Regret? All of the above most probably, she couldn’t quite tell.

“Sarah,” he whispered, swallowing. “I’m….” He took a couple of steps forwards, holding his hands out to reach for her, offering what he thought would be some kind of solace.

“I think you need to get back to your party,” she said calmly, deflecting the situation, tears forming in her eyes.

“Sarah, please, I don’t want…”

“People are going to be wondering where you are, Chris. You should go.”

Chris tried to focus on her face in an attempt to find something there other than the shame she was failing to hide. He wished he could get to her but the space she was putting between them felt wider than the kitchen they were stuck in. Resigned, he bowed his head slowly and turned to leave half expecting, or possibly wanting, her to stop him.

*


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long-ish chapter. Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Language and mentions of sex and contraception.

The party was slowly winding down and all that was left were the usual stragglers he had to typically encourage out of the door at 3am when he was tired or when someone was demanding his attention. On this occasion, he didn’t have the energy for either. Instead, he stood alone in his kitchen looking out of the window at his open terrace lit by multi-coloured string lights his mother had moved from inside the hallway to avoid anyone tripping on them. She had never quite lost that teacher’s mentality and had spent the last few hours of the night following people around and gathering their empties despite Scott’s many, many protestations that she relax and enjoy herself. 

He hated being sober at the end of a party, much less one of his own. He was never the designated driver among his friends. If you even remotely knew him, you knew he liked to unwind as much as possible between films no matter how much trouble it invariably got him into. Although he had been surprisingly restrained these past few weeks, a quiet birthday was still something of an anomaly. 

He registered a faint hum of music coming from elsewhere in his apartment as he watched his friends milling around outside, no doubt sobering up from the festivities. Both his mother and Shanna had left an hour or so ago and as far as he knew Scott had crashed in a spare room, alone since Zach hadn’t bothered to turn up. 

He was soon stirred from his quiet contemplation, however, by Lucy clumsily bringing in some empty bottles and plates left lying around in his living room.

“You can leave them there. I’ll clear up later.” He instructed her before turning his attention back to the view in front of him, hoping it would be obvious he wanted her to leave. She placed the bottles on the side nearest to him but didn’t appear to be readying herself to move any time soon. He dearly hoped she hadn’t planned on staying over because, honestly, he didn’t have the energy to deal with two disappointed women in the same night. 

She remained still and he could see her loitering with intent out of the corner of his eye. “You can call a cab if you like? There’s a number on the side.” He pointedly suggested, hoping she would get the hint without him having to be a dick on his birthday.

“That’s a shame.” She giggled. “Night’s still young, right?” She was doing that thing some women do when they want to seem casual but flirty at the same time, twisting on one of their ankles. It always bugged him for some reason. That she was awkwardly leaning on the counter kind of gave her away a little bit, like she was going to fall over at any moment. 

Under different circumstances, yes, he may well have taken the bait. She did look cute in her heels and false eyelashes but outside of the group she was a loose part of, for want of a better word, he didn’t much enjoy her company. He didn’t have anything in common with her, she was just a friend of his friend’s girlfriend who seemed to tag along on any group nights out. The morning-after discomfort would simply not be worth it. He didn’t think it would be fair to take her to bed just to make himself feel better. He especially didn’t want to take her to bed in a misguided attempt at relieving himself of some pent-up Sarah-related frustration that had started gnawing away inside. He was almost certain he could still smell Sarah’s perfume and felt a bruise forming on the back of his shoulder blades. He remembered the look on her face in the moment she came; skin flushed and her lips red, soft, slightly dry from the short breaths she’d taken. He felt a short thrill bristle across his skin at the moment. He’d done that to her. He’d made her lose it completely. 

“If you want, I could stay a while? It might be difficult to get a taxi now anyway and I was kinda hoping that we…” He was lost in his thoughts until he felt Lucy move a little closer to him.

“Look,” He managed to find the energy to turn to face her this time. “You’re sweet and everything but I’m just not in the mood, OK? I just want to go to bed. Alone.” He was firm but fair, he thought. He wasn’t interested in being ambiguous and certainly wasn’t interested in the mortified look that was now on her face so he grabbed the nearest piece of trash he could find and made for the back door in a bid to put this night to rest. She watched him leave and, embarrassed, left to find her coat and the friends she didn’t know all that well but would hopefully help her get back home again. 

When he did finally get into bed, he couldn’t sleep. Was Sarah thinking about him? He should have stayed with her and got her to talk to him. They would definitely need to talk eventually. It was unavoidable. What if she couldn’t sleep either? What if she was reliving it in her mind, like he was? Maybe he should call her. What time was it? No, it was far too late. Even if she had been thinking about him, it would only be of regret and disappointment. Well, maybe not disappointment, he figured. She clearly got hers, too. But the regret? That was going to be a little harder to overcome and he didn’t much want to hear that in her voice at this hour.

He’d been up and down most of the night. His bedroom felt far too stuffy and uncomfortable, and blasting the aircon wasn’t enough to cool him down. Scott could have been dead for all he’d known at this point. He stayed in bed staring at the ceiling, mentally trying to reconcile how fast it took for Sarah to get him into that helpless state. It was unlike anything he had experienced before, the control she’d wielded over him. She’d clearly been just as frustrated as he had felt. Maybe it was cathartic for her in some way. He’d never seen her look so… abandoned. But he shouldn’t be allowing himself to think of his sister’s best friend that way. Hell, he shouldn’t allow himself to think of his own friend that way. 

And Sarah was his friend. At one point or another, he considered her almost like a sister and he was sure she figured him more so in a brotherly way than anything else. There had been no ambiguity so far as their friendship was concerned. Had there? Had he missed something along the way? Maybe, if he was honest with himself, maybe there might have been a mild flirtation once or twice when he first met her. He’d always thought she was cute, ticked a few of his boxes for sure, and she was goofy which he liked but that seemed to be cut off at the source once Lisa started inviting her to Sunday lunches and he had the unpleasant experience of witnessing her throw up on Carly’s driveway following her and Shanna’s graduation party. Actually, that might have been more his fault but he nevertheless fondly recalled how much she managed to drink before it happened. Fucking Irish blood, he’d joked at the time. She’d fit right in. 

He didn’t want to lose their friendship, their bond. She’d been a sounding board for him when his relationships were playing on his mind and she could always be trusted to be straight with him even if he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to lose their inside jokes or the look she’d give him when she knew they were likely thinking the same thing. He didn’t want to lose the morning tussle they’d have over the newspapers after he’d crashed there the night before, or the impossibly soft towels she provided him with when he had a shower. He should have been a better friend to her. He should have listened more when she talked about Charlotte and her parents. God. Lately, he’d been such an idiot.

Realising it was pointless wasting away in his bedroom, he gathered his thoughts and finally got out of his bed. While he was in his bathroom, he thought through all the rational things he would say to her when he finally got the chance. Things had gotten crazy, he’d start with, but it was just a one-time thing. No need to let it ruin years of friendship. They could get passed this. 

She’d be busy with work no doubt but he could wait. If she tried to avoid him, he could wait some more. 

Can’t avoid him forever, right?

*

Sarah left for the hospital earlier that morning, opting to walk through the park to a Starbucks for the strongest coffee she could physically get her hands on. She hadn’t slept much and was contesting with a small hangover as well as the overwhelming sense of shame at what she had done. Shanna hadn’t surfaced before she made to leave for work which had been a blessing. She couldn’t face her just yet even if she had been awake. Shan for sure would want all the details from her meeting with Charlotte but she had zero clue what to say.

They finally called her name for collection and she quickly moved out of the queue to leave. She held the door open for a young lady fighting with a pram, and…. 

Oh God. 

Sarah mentally kicked herself when it dawned on her. Sometime previous, following the end of a short-lived relationship, she had opted to come off contraception. In a moment of brazen and possibly drunken audacity, she had sworn to Shanna she was going to avoid men for a full year. She figured there wasn’t much point staying on anything if she was unlikely to be going to bed with anyone other than herself. An accident such as this is the reason she should have ignored her own stupid intuition. Lord knows, she had this conversation countless times with young patients who come through the hospital doors. 

She continued walking to the hospital, thoughts alternating between how she might be able to get her hands on the morning-after pill and how she could be so fucking stupid. You’d expect if anybody would be carrying around a condom in his wallet, it would be Chris. No. That’s not what she should be thinking about right now. It was on her as much as it was him. She pushed that thought aside and concentrated on getting to work as quickly as she could. Except… Except she would need to give a name and she couldn’t put her own down and then sign off on it. That would raise a lot of questions and ones she couldn’t face right now. No. Someone would need to do it for her.

“Oh, hey honey! I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were in today. How was the party last night?” Audrey went in for a quick hug when seeing Sarah approach the reception desk. She handed her a thin file. “There’s a Mr Carlson in cubicle seven. Says he knows you from last week? Do you want me to deal with him? He seemed OK to me to be honest so probably just after someone to talk to. What–” Audrey paused as Sarah grabbed her hand and walked her to a quiet corner away from the desk and people waiting nearby. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Sarah couldn’t think of a response fast enough. She could feel her skin getting redder, her palms sweating from the alarm currently coursing through her veins. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Nothing would have made much sense anyway. Too much time had passed.

“Sarah, what’s wrong? You gone really pale and it’s weirding me out.” Audrey whispered. Sarah was looking at her like she was staring at a ghost.

“I need you to sign off on a pill for me.” She finally offered, not intending to be quite so blunt. Maybe the coffee had been too strong.

“A pill? What kind of…?” Then it dawned on her. “Sarah, did something happen with you and Greg last night?” Audrey whispered, trying to cover the hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. God, maybe her interference was finally paying off.

“No, not Greg.” Sarah closed her eyes and pinched her forehead like she did when she was trying to figure something out in her mind. “I can’t explain right now but trust me, it’s no big deal, OK? I just need your help with this.”

Audrey nodded slowly, calmly. “Of course, honey. But this is for you, right?” Sarah’s silence answered her question. “Did something happen at Chris’s party? Did you hook up with one of his friends?”

“Audrey, please…”

“OK, OK. I’m sorry. Look, you get yourself together in the locker room and I’ll come find you in five minutes, OK? Don’t worry.” Audrey gently rubbed her arm and Sarah nodded before they split off into different directions. 

Sarah chucked her bag into her locker and slumped down onto the bench beside her. Her head felt heavy and she could feel the migraine come back and thump her from one side. She straightened up her back and took some deep breaths, mentally counting to ten in her mind. That didn’t work. Why did she even bother suggesting it to people? 

She carried on her breathing when Audrey reappeared with a small plastic capsule and a bottle of water. She handed both to Sarah and took a seat beside her, watching her down them before working to steady her breathing again. She gently rubbed the top of her back and smiled at her. It was a comfort.

“Thanks. Not just for this but for understanding.” Sarah said quietly, unsure. She could hear her voice shake and was hoping Audrey wouldn’t press her for more details, not yet anyway.

“It’s OK. You don’t need to explain anything to me. I’m just glad you’re getting back out there.” Audrey smiled. “You can tell me to fuck off but…was it Luke? I think Chris mentioned once that he had a thing for you, y’know? I don’t think I ever mentioned him to you. He seemed nice,” 

Sarah appreciated Audrey trying her best to help but it didn’t seem to be having the desired effect. The two sat in quiet for a minute, Audrey continuing to gently rub her hand up and down Sarah’s back. She was confident that Sarah would talk to her when she finally felt up to it.

“If you need to go home, I can cover for you. We have those interns starting today and I can put them on the less emergency cases. Might do them some good to build up their bedside manner.”

Sarah shook her head, a little more determined now. “No, I’m fine. I just need a minute and I’ll be with you.”

Audrey didn’t look convinced by the smile Sarah offered, but she accepted it regardless. She gave Sarah a kiss on the cheek and left her in the locker room to gather her thoughts. 

*

Sarah could hear the chatter from outside her front door as she reached the top of the stairs. Shan sounded like she was reminiscing about something amusing or possibly embarrassing that had happened at the party and Lisa was laughing louder than she’d ever heard before. Just as she was about to turn the key, she heard Chris say something she couldn’t quite make out. She thought he sounded tired but realistically, how much could she tell through a door? She could feel her nerves getting the better of her. They were obviously all inside, having a nice time, leaving her to consider skipping out on returning home in favour of heading to some other place but, honestly, she couldn’t think of anywhere else she could go. She’d have to face him some time.

“Hey honey! How are you?” Lisa was the first to register Sarah’s arrival before Shanna turned around, all smiles, and Sarah felt like her face had grown about 10 degrees hotter. “We missed you last night. Shan thought she took some photographs on her phone but you should see them….” She burst out laughing again. “It’s a good job there was a professional there.”

Shan held her phone out for Sarah to see. “I really don’t know what I was doing.” 

“The tequila shots probably didn’t help!” laughed Lisa. “We’re heading out for some dinner shortly. Do you want to come with? Are you OK? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Sarah turned from Shan to Lisa before clocking Chris, eyes looking at her above his coffee cup, face unreadable. “Yeh, um, I’m not really feeling great to be honest but you guys go. I’ll join another time.”

Lisa gave her a gentle hug. “Oh hun, you do look peaky. We can stay and order in if you’d prefer some company?”

“No, honestly, you guys should head out.” said Sarah, a little too quickly. “I think I’ll just head to bed anyway.” Sarah waved her hand to dismiss any concern Lisa had, trying to act as nonchalant as possible which unfortunately for her was not her forte. Shan didn’t buy it either but didn’t want to hang around long enough for them to give Sarah the third degree. Taking the hint, she began encouraging her family out of the door.

“We should head now if we wanna get a table. I’m sure they won’t believe it’s Chris with those huge bags under his eyes.” she said, throwing a dishrag at his face to snap him out of whatever was taking up space in his mind. “Do you want to help? You’ve been friggin’ useless all day.”

Chris merely shrugged and made some noise in the back of his throat and Sarah took that as her sign to get out of the way before they left. 

When she heard the front door shut, the breath she had been holding in finally left her body. Relieved, she made her way to the bathroom and began to run a bath. She poured in some Epsom salts and a dash of lavender oil and wafted the water around with her hand to get the bubbles going. She stripped from her clothes, glad to remove the day from her body, and got into her robe and slippers. The bath continued to fill up while she stared at herself in the mirror, blankly removing the last bit of mascara from her eyelashes. She didn’t usually choose to wear make-up for work but she had looked so tired that morning, she needed something. As her eyes scanned her face and neck, she clocked a small reddish bruise above her collarbone and gently ran her fingers over her skin. 

Taking a breath, she turned off the taps and walked down the hall to grab a drink from the kitchen. She tried to figure out something to eat for herself but her relief was cut short as she came face to face with Chris still sat at the table, hands placed flat out in front of him. 

“Sorry, I thought you were going out for dinner?” She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of him. “I didn’t think you’d still be here.” 

She tried her best not to look him directly in the eye and he knew it. He leaned back in his chair, hands now resting on his thighs in a mildly assertive stance. “I made an excuse. They think I’m going back to my place first.” 

She was at least thankful for the relatively composed tone he was speaking in. It wasn’t a bad start, she thought. She wasn’t sure what to expect but he didn’t appear to be angry, at least not verbally. “Well, I’ll just grab my drink and get out of your way.” 

Sarah busied herself with the cupboard as she fumbled around for a glass. She could feel his eyes boring a hole in the back of her head. She nearly dropped one, her skin felt so clammy, but she managed to get the water into it before attempting a hasty exit.

“Sarah, don’t.” He nearly got up from his chair but decided against it when he saw her stop. “We need to talk.” 

He noticed her shoulders slump as she slowly turned around to face him. He indicated the chair cross from him and she sat down, nodding slowly in understanding. Now that he had her, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. Any thoughts he had left his mind and he felt further away from her than the narrow kitchen table suggested. It was like they didn’t recognise each other now. She looked different to him, strangely softer around the edges. Perhaps more vulnerable. Beautiful without make-up.

He shook that thought from his mind and leaned forward in an attempt to make up some of the distance. “I didn’t really sleep much last night. Did you?” She shook her head. “I guess I felt kind of…guilty? About what happened?” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, you had that thing with your mom and I was just all…” He struggled to verbalise his thoughts and gave up with a sigh as he dropped his hands back onto the table in front of him. “I’m just so sorry, Sarah. I don’t really know what to say. I was just having a really shit time and Jenny kept texting me and I wasn’t in the mood for the party and all the photographs and I don’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you or anything because honestly, that’s not what it was at all. I just think that maybe we- ”

“-It’s OK, Chris. It’s not your fault.” She had meant that but was also keen to shut him up from his ramblings that were, however unintentional, making her feel uneasy. “It was me as well. We shouldn’t have let things get that far.”

He nodded, not looking away from her while she was trying to focus on anything else but him. That made him sad. She was clutching the glass in her hand so tight, he thought it might shatter. “I just don’t want to lose you. No, wait, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

“No, of course.” She nodded, encouragingly. “I don’t want that either and it’s not like we can avoid each other or anything so we’ll just have to find a way through it.”

“I wasn’t planning on avoiding you, Sarah, and I hope you don’t wanna avoid me.” he asked, struck by her choice of words. “Do you?”

“No, but…I mean, it’s a pretty shitty situation, right? It was stupid. You know, I’m not impulsive or reckless like that and I feel awful. I didn’t want you to think I was using you or something.”

“I definitely don’t think that.” He leaned in, attempting to get her to look him in the eye. He contemplated reaching his hand out and touching her arm, so close to him, but that might be a step too far and, in that moment, he realised she was out of her depth. She wasn’t a one-nighter whereas the vast majority of his hook-ups were and he came to the assumption that he was just more used to the act of upping-and-leaving without so much as a goodbye. And now he felt like shit. 

He could count on the fingers of one hand the friendships that had evolved with women he’d slept with. Sex was often just sex to him. The joys of being a white, wealthy, good-looking man, he guessed. If things between them were going to correct themselves, he would need to think more conscientiously, like Sarah. He’d need to stop assuming that everyone felt the same way he did. 

“We’re grown-ups, Sarah. Sometimes things happen that we can’t control. We both had crap days but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding a little comfort in someone you trust and I think we both got something out of it, right? We don’t need to beat ourselves up.”

He looked genuine, the lines across his forehead a little more prominent when he was being sincere. She recognised it as the tell he had when she watched him on screen, the one bit of “Chris” he couldn’t avoid showing. Maybe he’d rehearsed this in his mind beforehand, like lines in a script, or maybe he’d said these exact same things to other women. Neither thought was particularly consoling but she appreciated the effort at least. She just wished she could turn the clock back 24 hours.

“Listen, I hate to have to ask this right now but I kind of need to know.” He rubbed the back of his neck like he did when he was feeling uncomfortable. His voice was almost unintelligible. “I didn’t use anything, and…”

“Oh, it’s fine. I got something sorted this morning.” She nodded, hoping this conversation would end. “I’m OK.”

“Oh, right. OK.” Chris said, marginally relieved but kicking himself for sounding like a dick to her. She must have been worried, too. She probably thought he had these kinds of conversations dozens of times before and he briefly thought about informing her he usually carried something with him but perhaps that might not be the smartest thing to say right this instant. At least maintain the idea that he was a decent human being for a little while longer.

He could tell she was itching to get to someplace he wasn’t and despite their words to the contrary, he knew she wasn’t sure of herself, or of him. For the first time in a long time, he worried about losing a friendship that meant a hell of a lot to him.

“Let’s not beat ourselves up over this, yeh?” Chris asked. Possibly pleaded. “You’re kind of a big deal to me, y’know?”

Sarah smiled back at him. “I’d like that as well. I think the water is getting cold so I’ll, um, I’ll leave you to it.”

“OK, sure. I’ll see you later probably.” Chris nodded and watched as she walked away back to the bathroom, pretty certain he wouldn’t see her again any time soon.

*


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for stopping by :)  
> Hope you enjoy this one.
> 
> Warnings: language.

It had rained non-stop since Chris arrived back in Georgia which was rather befitting for his mood. The unexpected thunder and lightning had delayed some planned outdoor shots from that morning, with weather reports suggesting more was to come over the weekend. Chris was starting to wonder if he’d ever see Boston again.

“I could come and visit you if you want? Keep you company?” Scott offered, downing the last of his glass containing whatever he managed to find in Chris’ liquor cabinet. He would have grabbed the next flight to Atlanta if Chris had asked him to. It was just the habit of him now to offer to do so wherever he was filming in the world.

“Nah, it’s OK. I told my Agent to tell them I had a family thing coming up so they know I can’t stay here for long.”

They had been on a video call for the past couple of hours, though not constantly talking. Scott had taken another call from a friend and Chris had been treated to a star-struck pizza delivery guy on his doorstep, but this was a nice comfort for them both. Chris was lounging around his cosy apartment in sweats and toyed with the idea of visiting the building’s gym to relieve some tension; tension that had built up in him since he inadvertently found himself face to face with Jenny 24-hours previous. Among the small production crowd that had gathered on location yesterday evening, they’d exchanged brief pleasantries with him successfully dodging a hug she had initiated. Matt kept a keen eye on the media and thankfully nothing of note was registering online other than typical minor fan gossip but he could live with that. He resolved to keep his head down, get the shots in the can, and get out of there as fast as he could.

“Do you think we should look at getting that place booked again?” Scott asked, absent-mindedly scrolling through something on his phone.

“Huh? What place?”

“That cabin we stayed at in Vermont last year. That one looking over the lake? I literally just mentioned it to you. Have you not been listening to me? Mom wants to go again for her birthday.”

“Sorry, I was thinking about something else. Yeh, sure. I think I have the email of the owner somewhere. I’ll dig it out and we can take a look. Why that place?”

“It was really nice and she liked having that separate guest house for Carly and the kids. It had that huge veranda with the barbecue pit. Wasn’t that where Shan thought she saw a snake?” Scott laughed at the sudden memory that had come rushing back to his mind, and Chris nearly spat out his drink.

“Oh yeh, now I remember. She freaked and wouldn’t come outside again!” he was laughing louder now and fell back on to his couch. “Jeez. We definitely have to go back now if only for that. She’ll hate it.”

“We should probably not say that to Mom, though. Maybe stick to the script on this one.” Scott laughed again. “So, you coping OK?”

Chris shrugged indifferently as if he didn’t know what Scott was hinting at. It was uncomfortably humid and he was fighting off a carb coma from his pizza; he really didn’t want to get into anything too deep at this point in the day.

“Come on, don’t give me that. You’ve been a bag of anxiety for the past few weeks. I take it she’s texting you still?”

“Not really, just the usual stuff. I can handle it.”

“Just make sure you’re careful while you’re there alright? That divorce looks nasty and you don’t wanna get wrapped up in it any more than you already are. Don’t give her any more rope to tie you with.”

“Have you been talking to Matt about me?!” Chris asked, suddenly feeling affronted. “’Cos I know what I’m doing, OK? I’m not a complete idiot.”

“Only in passing. We buy the same gym clothes. And I’m not saying you’re an idiot. You just have a habit lately of thinking with something else outside of your brain.” Scott pushed back. He was leaning into his iPad a little more as if to ensure his words were getting through to Chris, now sitting a thousand miles away.

“Not all of my decisions are bad ones.” Chris shook his head in objection and he may well have believed it had he not also been keenly aware that, deep down, he’d been feeling like he was been veering away from the straight-and-narrow of late and if Scott was picking up on it, then it was definitely a cause for concern. But there was a time and place to assess his life choices and this was not it.

“You’ve been really, really distracted lately. Mom’s noticed it as well. Is it just this film or is there something else you’re not telling me?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m fine! I’ve got, what, four more days here and then I’m back home for the rest of the year. You can life coach me then. Honestly, I’m good. You don’t need to worry.”

Scott returned the frown and continued scrolling through his phone. Things were a bit messed up these days, Chris couldn’t exactly deny it. He didn’t know whether he was coming or going, with filming, his career, and wanting to leave L.A. behind on a more permanent basis. He wasn’t getting any younger. Work aside, Jenny hadn’t particularly factored into his thoughts as much as his brother and others had assumed she had but he couldn’t very well admit to that given the alternative. In some ways, what had been happening with Sarah had very much been an indicator of what was missing from his life and what he desperately wanted to focus on. As much as they had both promised they would keep things civil and normal, there was something of a distance growing between them now, an inability to talk openly and honestly. If it hadn’t been for him lazing around their apartment the last few days before he flew out of town, he probably wouldn’t have talked to her or even seen her again. She hadn’t responded to a group WhatsApp joke he sent the other day, and she hadn’t responded again after he forwarded a cute picture of a Labrador wearing medical scrubs. If there was one thing that always guaranteed you a response, it was dogs dressed as humans. He tried to put her in the back of his mind and focus on getting the film finished.

“We should put you and Sarah in a room together. Might get you both back to normal,” Scott may have intended his comment to be offhanded as he looked down at his phone again but Chris found himself keen to explore what he meant.

“What’s going on? Has she said something?”

“I was hoping you’d know more to be honest. You practically live with them now,” Scott insinuated. “Mom says she’s been working loads and when she’s not working, she’s sleeping. That stuff with Charlotte’s really messed her up, I guess.”

He felt guilty hearing this. He hovered over her name on his phone and contemplated sending her a casual text but what could he say that didn’t sound as fraught as he was feeling? He could be funny and check Shanna hadn’t killed her. Maybe he could fake some emergency? OK, now you’re just being ridiculous, Chris thought to himself. And desperate. But sometimes, desperate times call for desperate measures…

 _Chris 18.02pm:_ _This feels weird_

He chucked his phone to his side hoping he would stop thinking about it if he paid it no attention. He got up to get another beer from his fridge and spied the pre-made protein shakes that had been waiting for him upon his arrival. He knew he should be in the gym. He knew he shouldn’t have eaten a full pizza when he was supposed to be maintaining his training plan so he would feasibly look the same as before production wrapped the first time. As he rubbed his hand over his softer stomach he found it increasingly hard to care. He could figure that out another time.

As he stared into the abyss, he heard his phone vibrate on his couch. Against his better judgement he could feel a fluttering start in his stomach and he prayed to whomever was listening that he could just, for once, catch a fucking break.

 _Sarah 18.14pm:_ _I know. I’m sorry. There’s a lot going on right now_

He could picture her typing and deleting messages over and over again like she always did, chronically unsure of herself, and figured he should probably give her a break also.

 _Chris 18.17pm:_ _I understand. Just miss talking to you. Scott’s not as friendly and he doesn’t laugh at my jokes_

_Sarah 18.18pm: :)_

OK, an emoji. That’s a good start, he would take that.

 _Chris 18.21pm:_ _How’s work?_

 _Sarah 18.24pm:_ _Busy but good. Today I removed a dice from a kids nose_

Chris burst out laughing, leaning back against his couch. They enjoyed listening to Sarah recount her days and the fairly bizarre stuff she ended up being a witness to. He enjoyed himself even more watching his mother recoil in horror and fleeing the room when she was being particularly graphic.

“Woah, what is it? What’s going on?” Scott shouted through the screen, first in shock and then confusion. He’d forgotten Scott was even there. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh it’s…nothing. Shouldn’t you be heading to dinner?”

“Oh fuck, yeh. Don’t wanna give him another reason to be pissed off with me. I’ll catch you later, yeh?”

“Don’t worry about it. If I don’t hear from you again, I’ll assume you lovebirds have kissed and made up.”

Scott huffed. “Fat chance.”

A quiet click and he was gone leaving Chris smiling at his phone like an idiot. He wondered if she could tell he was happy to finally hear from her, that they were joking, that a smiling emoji had been enough to lift the funk he was currently in.

 _Chris 18.33pm:_ _I’m so jealous of you right now…_

 _Sarah 18.36pm:_ _Ha! Georgia can’t be that bad_

 _Chris 18.37pm:_ _I’d much rather be there_

That wasn’t even half the story.

**_Four days earlier…_ **

He shouldn’t have been looking at her curled up on the couch. He shouldn’t have been focussing on the subtle way her throat moved when she swallowed a spoonful of mint choc chip from the bowl placed precariously in her lap, or the way her eyes crinkled when she chuckled at something funny in the film. Or her toes curling and then uncurling from inside her stripy red socks. What even were they watching again? Oh, _The Other Guys_. Shanna had chosen it and he’d been stuck ever since he’d arrived at theirs, beer in hand, hopeful for some last-minute fun before he had to return to Savannah.

Sarah leaned down the side of the couch to grab her bottle from off the floor and he blinked away as she took a long drink. He excused himself and got up from the couch. The kitchen windows were wide open and he breathed the fresh air in. This was getting ridiculous. His sister was a mere three feet away from him for fuck’s sake.

“What’s up with you?” Shan asked. She had followed him in without him realising, grabbing some more ice cream from their freezer. “If you’re bored, go out. I’m sure there’s people who’d love to entertain you for the night.” She rolled her eyes.

“Oh fuck off, I’m not bored. I’m just stretching my legs is all. It’s not against the law, is it?” he practically spat back at her. He regretted it when he saw her stunned expression. “Sorry.”

“I don’t know what has gotten into you lately but can you please sort it out before you’re back? I really don’t need Mom bothering me every hour asking me what you’re up to while you’re here. It’s getting ridiculous.” She turned and left the kitchen, the full tub in hand, unwilling to allow the mood he was clearly in to mess up her evening of doing nothing.

Maybe it was a bad idea to come here tonight. Shanna was probably right. He should have tried distracting himself with something, or someone, else only now he didn’t much feel like going out. He wasn’t dressed right, his phone only had 5% battery, and he was bored of the local bars which surprised even him.

“Are you OK?” Sarah asked quietly, unsure of whether he’d heard her at first until he looked up from where he was sat at the table. She placed her bowl on the side of the sink and he allowed himself a brief moment of respite in thinking she decided to come just so she could check up on him.

“Yeh. Sorry for disturbing your evening.” He gave her his best sheepish smile.

Sarah brushed him off. “Don’t worry about it but if you want any ice cream, you should get some fast before Shan finishes it off.”

“I think she might stab me with her spoon if I tried that.” He wasn’t kidding.

“I keep forgetting to mention this but I still have that dress, um, if you need to give it back to Matt or someone? Shan said she was going to keep hers but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.”

She was nervously playing with her hands and for a split second, he saw her with softly curled hair and the jewellery she wore with it on the night. That night. That night that had fucked him up in more ways than one. He could pinpoint his recent mood shift back to that night at the party, dealing with his drunken friends and the photographs that kept cropping up on the internet even now, so long afterwards, with people carefully dissecting every inch of his place that was on show, trying to work out if he was with someone. It wasn’t Jenny or the thought of being back on that set that was concerning to him but rather that the only time he’d felt happy and alive in recent weeks was when he was existing in the same room as his sister’s best friend. Sarah was somewhat calming to him. She had shit to deal with and so did he but he didn’t have to hide it in the same way he did with his family. And now, as she stood in front of him in her two-sizes-too-big hoodie and sweatpants, he wanted nothing more than to throw himself at her and let her hold him for a minute.

“You should keep it.” He nodded gently at her after what was undoubtedly too long a pause. “It looks good on you.”

“Ooooh you should wear it for your date with Greg!” Shanna announced, making her presence known as she reached up for the chocolate sauce from the top of the fridge.

“It’s not a date!” Sarah denied as quickly as Shanna had opened her mouth. If Chris had been trying to hide the flash of unease that just moved across his face, he’d failed entirely. She turned back to Chris. “It’s just a work thing.”

Shanna’s eyebrows looked like they were about to leave her forehead in surprise. “It is definitely a date. And if you wear that dress, he’ll be all over you.”

**_Present day…_ **

Shanna had a knack for creating awkward moments. If Chris had focussed hard enough, he could have grabbed the sauce bottle out of her hand and thrown it at the back of her head with unnerving accuracy. Except it wouldn’t have made him feel any better from the needling feeling he was getting in his stomach, it wouldn’t have served any purpose whatsoever. It certainly wouldn’t have stopped Sarah from practically blanking him for the rest of the evening.

He knew it wasn’t a date no matter how hard Shanna had been insinuating it was. According to Lisa, the UAPD was throwing a networking event of sorts to introduce doctors in the North East to medical Reps and Unionists from across the country. The website he’d looked at made it seem akin to some kind of political rally that he used to attend alongside his Uncle, filled with men and women in smart but unremarkable suits holding clipboards and throwing their contact details around like candy. It appeared, by many accounts, to be a relatively dull affair. He was surprised she had agreed to go. He’d never much figured her for a “company-man”.

 _Chris 19.35pm:_ _Enjoy your night. Don’t speak to any strange men._

She was probably being bored to death by one as he spoke. He hoped she’d see his message and smile and be relieved that she had the option of someone else to entertain her during the long speeches if she had wanted but after a few hours of nothing he gave up hoping and resigned himself to a long night’s rest. This was probably for the best. He was tired and had a long day ahead of him if they had any chance of catching up on the missed scenes from today, and he’d be damned if he was staying here beyond Monday night.

He enjoyed a long, long shower and brushed his teeth before climbing into bed with his iPad to read over the new sides for tomorrow’s shoot in the park.

 _Sarah 11.38pm:_ _Nope starange men. Just me lol_

 _Chris 11.44pm:_ _Wow…. Are you drunk??!!_

Bless her. He could imagine her and Audrey giving up the speeches and making the most of the free bar. He’ll have to make sure to invite Audrey to his next gathering.

 _Sarah 11.48pm:_ _On a school night. Ssshhhh_

 _Chris 11.49pm:_ _Shameful behaviour, Ms Bernette_

 _Sarah 11.54pm:_ _As if you’re not doing the same_

 _Chris 11.56pm:_ _I’ll have you know I am tucked up in bed like a good boy_

 _Sarah 11.58pm:_ _Thats disappointing Christopher_

He couldn’t explain the thrill he got from her using his full name. He couldn’t recall her ever using it in the years she’d known him.

 _Chris 12.03am:_ _I’ll have to make up for it when I’m home ;)_

 _Sarah 12.08am:_ _Can’t wait to see that. I like drunk Christopher_

Drunk Christopher was a fucking idiot, he thought, and she was one of a few people who knew that better than anyone. Drunk Christopher was someone who made risky decisions and initiated impromptu dance competitions against people who would wipe the floor with him. He was someone who pulled out his cap shield without anyone having to ask, and enjoyed drinks he could set fire to. What was his excuse for being an idiot here and now? He certainly wasn’t drunk, not even remotely so, but he’d be lying if he didn’t feel slightly light-headed at the thought of Sarah wanting his attention.

 _Chris 12.12am:_ _Are you wearing the dress?_

Three dots quickly appeared then disappeared. A few minutes passed and he saw them again, transfixed by what might have been going through her mind, what was she wanting to say to him then thinking better of?

 _Sarah 12.21am:_ _Not anymore_

Fuck. He knew what he wanted to say back; he’d been at this rodeo many times before. He’d even typed it out and stared at his screen before deciding against sending it. She was drunk and clearly not thinking straight, and he didn’t want her to see messages she would come to regret in the morning and push her further away from him. It wasn’t right of him to corner her, not like this. If this was something they were going to explore, they’d need to be face to face and not three sheets to the wind.

It was going to be a long week.

*


	11. Chapter Eleven: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this out. Honestly, this should have been here a week ago but if it's any consolation, you won't need to wait long for Part Two :)
> 
> Warnings: Language, mentions of blood and medical procedures.

A devastating pile-up on Main Street brought dozens of patients into the ER that Monday morning. Rain had been falling almost non-stop since Saturday afternoon with reports of flooding in areas surrounding the city centre. Paramedics and the Fire Department were having a rough time getting patients to the hospital and as a result, several commuters with moderately less life-threatening injuries had to be diverted to Thomas-Alderson on the other side of town. Ordinarily, she and Audrey would have been assigned onto ward rounds to maintain the status quo for the existing patients but as the first people arrived, all at some stage of critical, it soon became clear this was to be no ordinary day. 

Audrey was due to take annual leave that week but she texted Sarah soon after 10 o’clock to let her know she was now on her way in. Greg had recruited two medics he knew from a private hospital in Lincoln, one town over. One was an award-winning neuro-surgeon; Sarah recognised him from a profile featured in an old edition of the AJM. He was considered something of a maverick round these parts but as the ER filled up with bodies and anxious, despondent families, they would gladly take all the help they could get.

“OK. Listen up. We have Trauma One and Trauma Two split between Morris and Stephenson. You three, I’m going to need as back-up, OK?” O’Brien was yelling commands at the team currently gathered just inside the part-covered Ambulance Bay and relishing every minute of it. He excelled in moments of great pressure. “Alex, Mark and Linda, you’re taking the minors. Use the suture lab but make sure they are kept as far away from the Trauma centre as possible. They don’t need to see that.” 

As Sarah watched the named trio jog off to their posts, her focus was quickly diverted to a waving Audrey as she ran into the building, flustered and wet from a sudden downpour. She caught Sarah’s eye and indicated the locker room to drop off her stuff before joining the group. More staff had gathered by that point, wanting to help in any way they could. The interns looked scared to say the least; Sarah couldn’t remember how long she had interned before coming into contact with something this heavy. This was going to be a harsh learning curve and if she had to bet, at least two of them would rethink their career path before the day was out.

“Sarah, you and Audrey and… Tom will cover the cubicles. Sarah, the man in five has also likely had an A.M.I. and ought to have a sed rate done for assurances. Greg, can you oversee them?” Greg nodded before scanning Audrey and Sarah, a somewhat sympathetic smile on his face. Sarah could tell this was as far from his comfort level as it was anyone else’s and no amount of private education could fully prepare you for being thrown in at the deep end.

The stretchers were lining up thick and fast. One patient, a man in a designer suit, had most of his body covered with a blanket but not enough to hide visible blood and scratches covering his face and neck. An older man lies on a gurney next to him, looking trim and relatively clean except for his left arm wrapped in a checked towel of some kind or possibly someone’s shirt they’d used to stem the bleeding. A woman further down has a makeshift eyepatch covering one side of her face, glass cuts peppering her skin, her trendy grey hair now streaked with red. The shock was evident on every single one of them. It was hard to know where to start.

“Call seventh and eighth floors and tell them we need as much space as they can give us.” Audrey yelled across at Beth, a young receptionist stuck in her spot, mouth open, aghast at what she was witnessing. “Beth! Come on now, girl.” There was nothing like Audrey’s voice to stir you into action as Beth fumbled for the handset and began furiously dialling numbers.

“I’m thinking we clear the easy cases as fast as we can and shift those guys upstairs to make way for the emergencies.” Greg suggested, surveying the corridor. “O’ Brien said another two ambulances are en route as we speak. We’re gonna need the space.”

Audrey nodded in agreement, taking in the warzone surrounding her. “I think between us, we can stitch up and bandage quickly. Get them out and on their way home if possible.”

“Think you can break your speed record for bandaging?” Tom asked, moving through the growing crowd towards where the three of them stood, equally as dumbstruck by the sight before him. Tom was an upstanding member of staff, seventeen years with the hospital but with a youthful face that belied his impending middle age. Sarah had fond memories of him inducting her when she first started and was a fan of his friendly, goofy bedside manner. Kids loved him. 

“I haven’t practiced in a while. I was hoping to get fair warning at least,” Sarah responded. A couple of nursing interns shuffled past carrying stacks of boxes filled with medical gloves and bandages. “It’s gonna be a long-ass day, folks.”

*

Sarah and Ben, a specialist she’d never met before, were tending to the elderly man she’d spied earlier that morning. He’d had a high dosage of a local anaesthetic that took next to no time to kick in and was causing him to drift off every few minutes. Ben didn’t seem worried, it would at least allow them to take a closer look at the deep cuts running from his wrist to his elbow. Within a minute, though, he spotted an artery visible just underneath the muscle closest to the wrist, and glanced at Sarah, worry etched across his face.

“If we touch this, it’s game over.” He whispered, pointing his finger towards the pronator muscle, glancing back to the elderly man to make sure he was still out. “What are his current vitals?”

“No sensation radial, median or ulnar. Ulnar could be trapped, though. No pulses, temperature and colour as you see, and we’ve kept his arm elevated. He’s had 500ccs of saline by push, too.”

Ben nodded, taking a step back from the trolley to take stock of the man’s predicament. “What about an x-ray?”

Sarah shook her head. “X-ray is backed up but he’s on the list. Should be less than an hour. Crit count is thirty-two-five.”

“OK. Not great but OK.” He thought for a second. “We need to get him into surgery as soon as we can. Cancel the x-ray for now.”

Sarah nodded in agreement and called the O.R. Ben remained standing in the room alongside her until he knew the plan of action. “OK, they should have a room in twenty minutes. Up on ninth.”

Audrey popped her head around the door and got Sarah’s attention. “All OK in here?” The look on both of their faces soon gave her the answer. 

*

“…And move this leg for me, ma’am,” Greg was attempting to coerce an older lady, Matilda, into focusing on his small movements as he gently moved her legs and her arms to confirm that what she was experiencing was temporary paralysis from shock and not a more serious loss of feeling in her extremities. He’d called Sarah in to assist after she’d finished stitching and wrapping up a dozen or so other patients. Could have been more. She’d lost count when she hit double figures.

He gently worked her knee, massaged her calf muscle with two of his fingers, and then her ankle until she appeared to be more aware of what was going on. Sarah wanted to give her a hug. She looked completely lost.

“That’s very good. Now, can you tell me if you have any pain in your neck, in your shoulders or your upper arms?” 

“No.”

“What about when I press here? How does that feel?” He moved his left hand to the back of her neck, pressing two fingers slightly onto her atlas and axis bones at the top of her spine. 

“That feels OK.”

“That’s good, thank you.” He seemed satisfied she was OK as he continued to move his fingers down through the spinal bones, pressing on each one as he went to see if she flinched or made any indication that something was hurting her.

Sarah moved a little more into the light so the woman could focus on her as Greg worked his way down her back. “Were you with someone this morning? Is there someone I can call for you?”

“Oh no, just me today.” The lady responded with a small smile. She flinched a bit when Greg moved back down to her right ankle and they noticed some blueish bruising now forming clearly around the lower tibia bones.

“OK, I think we’ll get the x-ray done on this foot and we’ll go from there. Sound good?” Greg smiled broadly, trying to instil some confidence back into her. To her credit, she smiled back at them both, light tears forming in her eyes.

“Hey, why don’t I come with you? It’s near the canteen, we can grab a snack on the way? I don’t know about you but I’m starving,” offered Sarah. Her eyes met Greg’s briefly and he smiled at her. It might be a good idea to keep her company for a little while given she was on her own. 

The hospital had filled up more during the afternoon as people came in off their own accord, displaying various cuts and scrapes from flying glass and debris. Security had also noticeably tightened by the reception area, ready to help disperse the typical rubberneckers and ambulance-chasing lawyers that usually made appearances once that first initial panic had died down. Crowds of people had been congregating in the corridors and the consultancy rooms that once allowed patients to have private conversations with their family members and doctors had now been taken over by interns taking temperatures and recording blood pressure. Anywhere you dared to turn, someone needed you for something and it was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic. For a patient as fragile as Matilda, it would have been a scary place to be left on your own and Sarah had started feeling a little protective over this petite old lady.

“If you take her up, I’ll cover you in triage for a while.” Greg offered, taking his gloves off and throwing them in the nearby waste bin.

“Thanks. I won’t be long.”

The elevators were subject to the expected traffic jams, as always, but Matilda had managed to calm down somewhat in the few minutes it had taken Sarah to manoeuvre her wheelchair passed the throngs of people hanging around. Sarah was thankful for a few moments of peace as they waited for the next elevator to open up. She placed her hands back into her pocket and felt her phone having forgotten she had kept it on her. Pulling it out, eleven hours after she’d begun the day, she was expecting to see some messages but not the barrage that awaited her. 

Jocelyn had clearly descended into full-blown panic and managed to convince herself that Sarah had been involved in the accident and was currently lying unclaimed on a gurney somewhere. God knows what Noah was doing to calm her down. He’d also messaged her separately to warn her of the increasing press presence currently gathering around outside and she remembered O’ Brien’s earlier order for staff not to engage with any line of questioning off the back of instructions received from the local police department. It was becoming increasingly apparent it was a criminal case. 

Shanna had helpfully messaged her at half hour intervals to explain the news footage to her and left a voicemail that sounded like she had butt-dialed her by accident, Lisa’s fretful voice also somewhere in the background. She opened up her group text function and typed a quick message in the hopes the signal in the hospital wasn’t too bad.

Sarah 9.14pm  
Guys, I’m fine. We’re getting through it. People have responded well. Hopefully over the worst now. Speak soon xx

Had she become de-sensitised to it all? Maybe. In May the previous year she had taken Shanna to a Q&A by renowned medical Psychologist, Professor Alexander Shang, who had just published a long gestating and controversial report stating that slowly, over time and with enough exposure to bodily trauma, people in the medical profession were setting themselves up to become emotionally stunted. Ah. Because that’s what she needed to be thinking about right now.

Shans 9.17pm  
THANK GOD. It looks awful. They’re saying a lorry driver was drunk n drove straight thru all those cars  xxxxx

In all the stress and drama, she hadn’t stopped to figure out what could have caused this amount of destruction. She nudged Matilda’s wheelchair further up the queue and saw she was within closing distance of the next elevator. She flicked through the rest of her messages to make sure she hadn’t missed anyone. Matilda, bless her, had fallen asleep and a porter in front of her kindly allowed her to take his place in the waiting elevator.

Charlotte 7.44pm  
I saw the news. I hope you are OK? Please let me know if you can x

She read the message back several times. Following their failed attempt at meeting up, Shan had encouraged her against replying. She hadn’t felt particularly angry; more so, disappointed. Rejected. Looking down at the message in front of her, she didn’t really feel anything. 

The floor opened up in front of them both shaking Sarah from her focus and she carefully wheeled Matilda out towards the reception desk. They avoided waking her up to ask her more of the same questions she’d answered ten times already and Sarah was ushered into a quiet room around the corner and whispered a soft “goodbye” to her before leaving her in peace.

*

“You were great back there.” Greg said, siding up to her in the locker room. He was wrapping up his scrubs into a plastic bag and shoving them in to the bottom of his rucksack. It wasn’t the designer one she’d seen the other day. She had also noticed he stopped wearing ties, too. He acted a little more relaxed, like he was trying to fit in. 

“Just trying to keep things moving.” She shrugged. “You have a fan in Matilda by the way. She was singing your praises on the ward.”

“Ha, that’s cute. She was sweet, wasn’t she? I hope she gets some rest up there.” He pulled his watch from his trouser pocket and began clipping it back around his wrist. “You should really think about going back to Med School by the way. Can’t understand why you stopped. We could do with more level-headed people out there.”

That took her by surprise. She didn’t know what to say when her parents had asked her the same thing so Greg wouldn’t be in much more luck now. “Just…time. Money. I guess I was just ready to just get out of there and work.”

“Yeh, I get it.” He grabbed his jacket from the hanger. “You can tell me to butt out but it’s not that hard, the entry exam. Hell, if I managed it, anyone can.”

Sarah wasn’t keen on progressing this line of conversation at 1 o’clock in the morning, and she couldn’t much make out Greg’s features through her growing tiredness. He still seemed bizarrely chipper.

“I know someone on the board up in New York. I could probably get you on the entry test easily enough, if you fancied giving it a go.” He grabbed his bag. “You’ve got some fans here and you worked through those patients like an expert. It’s something to think about at least.” He smiled at her before backing out of the room almost as quickly as he’d arrived.

Sarah was left pondering his words for a second before Audrey emerged from the shower, towel loosely wrapped around her as she attempted to carry half a CVS shelf in her arms. A second earlier and Greg would have been treated to a wonderful sight. 

“What did Greg say? Is he going back to school?”

“No, but he thinks I should. Try getting my M.D. again.”

“Yeh? Think you will? ‘Cos I am all for balancing out the gender pool in this place.”

Sarah laughed, tying her shoelaces. “Honestly, it hadn’t much crossed my mind. I don’t think I could handle the pressure and being in school for another four years.”

Audrey raised an eyebrow. “Honey, I know you well enough to know you like a challenge. Plus there’s ways of working around the studies. You know full well you could handle it.” 

“Greg knows someone on the board apparently. Said it would be easy for me to at least try the entry test again.”

“Knows a guy, does he? And what will you do for him in return?” Audrey could never be accused of being backwards in coming forwards.

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Can he not just be a nice guy? Honestly, I think I’m warming to him. You should have seen him with this old lady today.”

Audrey side-eyed her and began rubbing moisturiser on her lower leg currently balanced on the chair in front of her. “He’s got you sussed then. Playing nice with little old people always gets in your good books.”

Sarah chose to ignore the implication and gathered her hoodie. “I love you, Audrey. Get home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

*

“Sarah!”

The voice was clear, not quite a shout, and came from seemingly nowhere in the dark. She stood still on the drizzly sidewalk, the hospital gradually disappearing behind her in the heavy rain. She made little effort to stay for long; she was tired and she wanted her bed, so she turned to carry on walking home.

“Sarah, wait up,” came the voice again, a little more recognisable this time. She turned around just in time to see Chris pacing towards her, his light grey hoodie spotted with raindrops. 

“Chris?” she blinked a few times. “What the hell are you doing here?” It was a fair question; his flight wasn’t due to land until the early morning and she was pretty sure Scott assumed he was collecting him from the airport.

“I left early. God, you walk fast.” He stopped a few feet in front of her feigning breathlessness but she knew better. He could probably run a marathon right about now with energy to spare. Upon closer inspection, he looked shattered and the dark circles under his eyes gave away that he hadn’t slept much.

“How long have you been waiting here?”

“Not long.” He lied. “Shan said you were staying later ‘cos of the accident so I just pulled up around the corner. You OK?”

Lines clearly marked his face with worry and when she finally realised what was going on, she nodded slowly. “Yeh. Yeh, I’m OK. It’s been a long day is all. Can’t complain really. Not compared to…” She motioned back towards the ambulance bay.

He turned back briefly in the direction she was looking. People were still milling around outside, puffing on cigarettes and talking on their phones. “Yeh, I bet. I saw the news, it looked awful. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been.”

Another pause. It didn’t seem right that he was here. “Night shift have taken over now so I’m just gonna try get some rest and come back in the morning.” She half-smiled at him, still not fully taking him in as he stood mere feet in front of her, his hands balled into the front pockets of his jeans. 

“Fuck. Shanna said he was drunk at the wheel.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been paying much attention to the news.”

“No, yeh, of course. Sorry, I was just… I don’t know.” He snickered to himself awkwardly. He should have thought better than accosting her on the street in the middle of the night when she looked like she’d rather be anywhere else than standing there.

“Let me give you a lift home. Get there faster.”

“No, it’s OK. I’d prefer the walk.”

“Come on, Sarah. You’ll catch a cold out here and it’s dark and I don’t want you getting hurt.” He turned to take a step back in the direction of his car, half insisting but half worrying she was going to stubbornly reject his offer. “Please? I’m just down there.”

He was right and Sarah was glad to take the weight off her feet. She walked a little behind him until they reached his Audi and she removed her bag from where it had been slung across her body and released a noticeable sigh as she sat down inside the vehicle. He put the seat heaters on and she felt the warmth gradually travel up her back and down her legs.

“You been on your feet all day?” he enquired, looking across to see her lean her head back on the headrest, closing her eyes briefly. The rain was coming down hard and blurring the windscreen but he wasn’t in any hurry to set off the wipers or start the car. He allowed her to sit for a moment, gathering her thoughts in what was probably the first moment of peace she’d had all day. She looked exhausted. “I take it you haven’t had a break?”

She shook her head slowly. “Time goes quickly when you’re busy.”

“I know that feeling.” He smiled at her. “Have you eaten anything?”

She shook her head once more but she wasn’t altogether that hungry. Just tired. Just wanting to take off her shoes and lie down somewhere quiet for a few hours. It really didn’t matter where so long as it was dark. There were people currently inside who wouldn’t get that luxury for some time yet. “I could do with a drink.”

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Yeh? What were you thinking? We could easily grab some beer on the way.”

“Or whiskey. Something strong and warm. Might knock me out for a while.” She chuckled to herself not expecting to be taken seriously. He watched her look at the rain falling onto the windscreen in front of them. Exhaustion was radiating from her body and before he knew what he was doing, he reached his hand out to tuck strands of wet hair behind her ear.

“I have some at mine.” He offered. She leaned her head to one side to look at him, moments passing that felt longer than they were. He looked just as tired and would no doubt crash out as soon as he got home. It seemed wrong to disturb him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” She decided, somewhat unconvincingly. Somebody here should be at least trying to think straight.

“I didn’t say it was a good idea,” he didn’t flinch, didn’t blink. “But you need a drink and I have plenty.”

She felt her resolve waiver the more time passed and the more they continued to look at each other. It could very well be the fatigue that was enveloping her and preventing her from thinking straight, but she was finding it harder and harder to pull herself away. The last few messages exchanged between them that week proved the energy had shifted and no matter what they intended, things were not the same anymore. And she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. 

*


	12. Chapter Eleven: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two
> 
> Warning: NSFW, language

Where once she had been curled up near to him, out cold from the effects of the day, now laid an empty space. Chris had been lying alone with just a pillow for comfort and way past the phone alarm he had forgotten to switch off. He knew she had planned to go back in to the hospital that morning but he had hoped she would at least stick around for coffee, or wake him up before creeping out.

They got back to his apartment swiftly enough the previous night, despite the weather. She had been still the whole way. At one point, he thought he caught her glancing at him when he stopped at a red light but she looked away almost as soon as he’d noticed. He poured them both a generous glass of whiskey and they drank it in his kitchen in silence. Something was on her mind. He was taking this time to suss her out, to gauge whether she was thinking the same things as he was but he was coming up short. He recalled Shanna saying thousands of times before that she could be a little difficult to read but he never had the luxury of experiencing it first-hand. He always figured they shared a wavelength or something. He felt he understood women enough to know what they wanted from him and the majority of time he didn’t care enough or wasn’t sober enough to question anything. This was different and he couldn’t put his finger on why that was. It was so much easier when he didn’t have to think.

“You feeling OK?” he finally spoke. He was hoping she would have made a move by now so he could be sure of what was running through her mind but alas. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“Not really.” She shook her head, giving him an apologetic smile. “It’s just been a lot to take in.”

He leaned across his kitchen counter to close the space between them, twisting the glass containing what was left in his hand. “You wanna lie down?”

She knew where his bedroom was and she made herself comfortable under his covers while he cleaned up from his flight and the effects of the weather. By the time he entered the bedroom again, she’d drifted off to sleep. He climbed into bed as quietly as possible so as to avoid waking her but allowed himself to watch her for a little bit before rolling onto his back to put a small amount of space between them. He must have fallen asleep at some point soon after only to be stirred again a couple of hours later as she turned and moved towards him. She was more awake at that point, taking her turn to watch him. She didn’t seem to mind the kiss he eventually tempted across her lips or his hand reaching around her back to pull her closer. She sighed when he started moving his fingers delicately up and down her back as the kiss deepened. Still, not a word was spoken, like they knew exactly what the other was thinking for the first time. He felt familiar and comfortable and he himself was reassured when she didn’t push him away. 

After moments languishing in their kiss, he leaned up onto his forearm and looked down at her. He could barely make out her face in the dark except for waves of her soft hair splayed out across her pillow, the sweet coconut smell overpowering his senses. He could do so much from this position and there was so much he wanted to do in the dark as he started to feel his way around her body, tracing his fingers up to her shoulder, down her arm, across the soft skin of her tummy as he gradually moved her t-shirt up to rest below her breasts. He leaned down to kiss her again and he felt her relax a little more. Lying fully on her back and more open to him, he slowly grazed his fingertips down her stomach before moving them inside her panties. A little slower down and he could hear her breath hitch in anticipation, delicately fanning his face as he held his mouth just millimetres above hers, breathing the same breath. His fingertips felt like a feather on her skin, teasing lightly and just enough to make her skin tingle in all the best ways. It was so different from their previous experience together, calmer and more soothing but, knowing what he was capable of, what they were capable of, practically electrifying. He had struggled to get the mental images of her out of his mind since that night as he relished feeling her again. Things could happen very quickly for them both if he wasn’t careful. 

His middle finger continued to graze ever so gently over her lips, once and then again and then again, her wet heat enticing to his touch, before moving a little lower and almost, nearly, not quite pushing inside her.

“Wait,” she whispered, freezing herself from moving again. She quickly moved her hand atop his to stop him. “I’m sorry.”

He removed his hand from her underwear until it rested on her lower tummy. “It’s OK.”

She breathed. “Sorry, I just…”

“Hey, it’s OK. You don’t need to explain. I thought… I just thought you wanted to.”

“No, I did, I’m sorry. I just…” He leaned away from her as she moved to sit up in the bed, hand clasped to her mouth. She took another deep breath. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

He rubbed a hand over his face as reality began to dawn on him. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He wanted to comfort her, reach out a little, but was wary of touching her again.

“Maybe you’re right.” 

They laid awake not speaking for some time afterwards. She made motions to leave but he managed to convince her otherwise, reasoning there was no point leaving now if she had to get up soon and he figured, in the cold light of the morning, maybe things might make more sense and they could talk. She offered to move into a spare room but he wasn’t thrilled with that idea either. He wanted her close by. Except here he was now, alone, confused and mildly unsatisfied. He chastised himself for that last thought. 

*

Head down and with a plain blue cap pulled low over his eyes, Chris successfully made his way through the hospital bay, just dodging the one local news crew still stationed outside. It wasn’t as busy as he was expecting given the events of yesterday but he was still wary of being recognised in this bright light, with nowhere to hide. 

He hadn’t particularly figured out how he was going to locate her. Truth be told, he hadn’t even figured out what he was going to say once he had tracked her down. As soon as he plucked up the courage to find her again, he all but dived out of his apartment later that morning. All he could think about was just seeing her face again in the hope words would come easy to them both and they could work themselves out. Now, with a few doctors and patients milling around and a low hum of background noise, he realised he hadn’t properly thought this through. In a moment of dread, he made a move to turn and leave thinking better of himself until someone’s hand reached out to grab him on the shoulder.

“Hey, I thought it was you.” Audrey spoke in a quiet tone, understanding of his propensity against causing a fuss. Judging by his casual clothes and the dark circles underlining his eyes, he wasn’t there for some PR arrangement either. “You OK, hun?”

Chris breathed a discernible sigh of relief when, at first, he recognised Audrey’s tone and then her friendly big brown eyes. “Yeh, I’m good. Thanks. Things seem a little quieter today, huh?” He shuffled a little clumsily on his feet, a move not unnoticed by her.

Audrey nodded indistinctly, not completely agreeing with him. He had no idea what it was like but she also wasn’t going to be the one to bore him with the details. “Yeh, it, um, it is what it is, y’know? Tragically, I’ve seen worse.” He was trying to act casual. “You here for something?”

“Actually, yeh, I was hoping to speak to Sarah but I guess she’s busy. I can just catch her later.” He tried to turn away only to be stopped once again.

“She’ll be here somewhere, I’m sure. You know the diner over the way? It’s quiet. You wanna hide over there for 5 minutes? I’ll go grab her.” She insisted and for the first time in a long time, someone else was making the decisions and he was relieved.

It wasn’t long before Audrey found Sarah riffling through the equipment cupboard and muttering to herself in irritation. Naturally, their stocks had been depleted from the day before and also just as naturally, no one took it upon themselves to ring upstairs for new kit. It had been an unofficial part of Sarah’s job since she first joined the hospital and, after a while, people just got used to her taking the initiative. She’d be damned if she was going to do it again, though.

“Found you. Your hero friend is across the road looking mighty fine as always if I may say so myself. You never told me he was growing his beard out.” Audrey nudged her as she stood beside her pretending to need something from the trolley.

“Huh?” Sarah turned a little too sharply to see Audrey playfully affect innocence.

“God’s righteous man,” Audrey elbowed her again, a smirk growing across her face. Sarah couldn’t always discern the methods with which Audrey described Chris but the love hearts currently floating around her halo soon made things click.

“Oh. OK.” She closed another drawer. She couldn’t think of anything else to say and the silence was dragging on a little too long than was comfortable.

“Said he wanted to talk to you so I told him I’d send you across to Joe’s. You can take fifteen. You’ve not had a break yet.”

“Honestly, it’s OK. I’ll just catch up with him later. I’ve got some stuff to sort out here first.” She resigned herself to the fact that she’d be stock-checking again for the remainder of her shift but, faced with the alternative prospect of seeing Chris, it didn’t seem all too unattractive. “I doubt it’s nothing that can’t wait.”

“I can sort that.” Audrey grabbed a spare notepad from her side, initiating a take-over. “He’s literally sat over there waiting for you. Just go over and bring me back a double espresso if you can. That coffee machine in the staffroom is on the blink again.”

She really should have known better that Audrey wasn’t going to drop it that easily. “What’s the big deal, Sarah? It must be something if he’s come out here in broad daylight. He never visits, more’s the pity.” Audrey shrugged, something not connecting in the back of her mind. Was there an argument she didn’t know about? Maybe something was going on with Shanna or worse, Charlotte. 

Sarah reluctantly handed her the pen she’d been holding and stepped over some flattened cardboard boxes currently separating her from the door and a clear escape route. Audrey just shook her head.

“Hey,” Audrey called out. “Is everything OK? You’ve been acting a little weird lately.”

“Yes, I’m fine.” She attempted to convince her in agreement. “I’ll see you in a bit. I’ll remember the coffee.”

*

He was sat in the furthest corner of the diner when she found him, nursing a black coffee that looked almost painfully strong. She felt more than a pang of guilt at herself for being the likely cause and she didn’t want to add to his concerns right now. He only looked up when she was close by the table and she felt a little better when he flashed her a grateful smile.

“Sorry. I know you’re busy. Audrey doesn’t seem to take no for an answer.” 

“Oh don’t worry about it. She can be like that sometimes,” she tried to wave off his concerns as she sat down opposite him, hands eventually resting in her lap. “We probably need to talk anyway and I’ve been thinking. About us. It’s probably for the best if we try not to hang out together for a little while. I don’t wanna cause any issues but I’m not sure what to do about it. So. I know you like being at ours so I’ll just make myself scarce or something. I can work a little later or change shifts. It’s no problem, honestly. Obviously, things will be easier when you’re filming away or whatever but we can figure it out as we go.”

He looked at her, eyes still low under the brim of his cap. He couldn’t quite believe what she’d said and she could barely read the expression on his face. He didn’t blink, nothing. She naively believed if she just laid it all out in one breath it would be like ripping off a band aid, he’d nod in agreement, then they’d each go on their merry way.

“In the time since you left this morning, this is what you’ve come up with?” he questioned, an element of accusation lacing his tone. “That you’re just gonna ignore me?”

“No, not ignore-”

“-It’s kinda what it sounds like to me. That you’ve made your mind up and not bothered consulting me about it. You’ve not cared to see how I might feel.”

“God, no, that’s not it at all. I just thought it might be for the best.” She reasoned.

“The best for you, you mean.” He tilted his head to the side. She recognised this move from interviews where he became visibly frustrated with questions he had been expected to answer and she didn’t like being on the receiving end of it.

“Chris, I don’t know what else to suggest here.” She held her hands up in defence. “I’m just trying to keep everyone happy and I thought this would be the safest option but clearly I was wrong. I’m sorry if you think I’m deflecting or something.”

He wasn’t listening. “You seem to think these things only concern you. You forget other people are involved.”

“What?” 

“I mean, you certainly have form for it.” He pressed, needling her a little bit more.

“Like what?” 

“Well, Charlotte for one.” He shifted in his seat while looking down at the cup in front of him. He’d made little effort to drink it since it arrived but he found the smell fairly comforting.

“Oh wow.” She leaned back against the bench rest, despondent. “Thanks for that.”

He might have felt a little remorseful at his glibness if he thought about it but nevertheless, he remained firm, straightening up in his seat. He wasn’t going to let her pretend things weren’t existing now. “It’s like sometimes, no one else gets a look in even when they might wanna help. You didn’t even give me a chance, Sarah. You just left.” 

“You’re one to talk.”

“Oh OK well we’re even now.” He responded, sardonically. He finally stopped toying with his coffee and leaned into his hands, his elbows on the table. This was not going how he had hoped and he felt more and more guilty as seconds passed as he noticed the strain etched across her soft features. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? I’m just not really used to this.”

“You think I am?”

“Of course not.” He shook his head. He needed to place the train back on the track if this was going to get any better. He could sense her distancing herself from him, looking like she could run away at any moment. “I’m not used to working this hard.”

She met his glance briefly, his attempt at lightening the mood failing to land. He took a risk and smiled at her but that didn’t seem to do much either. It had barely been ten hours since they’d kissed, dangerously close to straying even further from the relative safety net of their friendship. He slowly rubbed a hand over his face, smoothing out his beard as he moved, not taking his eyes from her. He nudged the cup towards her, wordlessly offering her a drink. 

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” He spoke under his breath. “I’m not sure what I’m doing here and I don’t know what to do about any of this but one thing I do know is that I’ve been thinking about you in ways I shouldn’t be. So…” He held his hands open on the table in a contrite offering. “…that’s where I am.”

He had fully expected her to get up and leave but she stayed put. She looked like she was trying hard not to look at him, her shoulders down, thoughts clearly crossing her mind. Maybe if he had been this upfront at the start, they could have avoided this dance around each other but that was by the by at this point. 

“I think you’re thinking about me, too.” He fixed her with a stare, half sincere and half wary of what her reaction would be. He knew she wasn’t the type to shout and scream but she was the type to ignore issues in the hope they would disappear on their own. This is where his confidence became a valuable asset and if this was going to work out, he would have to do it now. “Because you wouldn’t be talking to me about any of this if you weren’t.” 

She considered this for a second. It pained her a little to admit he might be right. “Shit.” He reckoned he wasn’t supposed to hear that. “There’s nothing we can do about it, Chris. It’s not that I am denying it but there’s other people to consider. Shanna for one.”

“We’re not breaking any rules, Sarah. Things happen and maybe they happen for a reason. Right now, there’s something here I think we should explore. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know…”

“You do know, you’re just scared and that’s OK, too.” He tentatively reached his hand half way across the table hoping in vain she might reach back but she stayed still, hands back in her lap no doubt picking at her fingernails under the table like she did when she was anxious. “I think we need to cut ourselves some slack. There’s nothing wrong with finding a little comfort. Might even make ourselves feel better?”

Audrey had finally managed to find a quick window of opportunity for a break when she handed her order request to O’Brien. He at first looked baffled at how much kit they had managed to breeze through in the 24hour previous but Audrey merely shrugged. She was past the point of playing the bureaucracy game with glorified middle management. She grabbed her secret stash of cigarettes – the ones Michael didn’t know about – and headed outside to the ambulance bay. She bummed a lighter from Dan, a Paramedic on his break, and leaned her foot back against the brick wall. It was cold again but it was dry and worth it. 

As she looked down the street rolling out either side of where she was stood, her eyes eventually landing on Sarah and Chris leaving the diner. It was unfair that he looked this good in a casual sweater and jeans that had seen better days. She had to admit that seeing him for a couple of minutes that day had so far been the highlight of an otherwise rough week. Indeed, she sometimes found herself envious of Sarah’s relationship with him and how she managed to not be affected by his colossal, other-worldly handsomeness. Lord knows she couldn’t imagine being that strong. But as she saw the hug he gave her and the kiss he cautiously landed on her lips as they parted ways, maybe she didn’t have to wonder after all.

*


	13. Chapter Twelve*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for sticking with me :)
> 
> Warnings: 18+ NSFW, strong language

**Three Weeks Later**

“OK, so what is the point of all this again?” Scott leaned in towards Sarah as they started arranging themselves around the coffee table. An assortment of plates and napkins were stacked high in front of them in anticipation of what was currently happening in the kitchen. Alongside sat an open bottle of wine and various pieces of plastic cutlery. Sarah was already dreading the tidying-up.

Shanna had demanded that everyone cancel their plans that Friday so they could devote the evening to testing out the various cakes and desserts she would spend a few days crafting. Sarah had been glad she had worked constantly throughout and had managed to swap a couple of late shifts so she could avoid the battleground and constant swearing emanating from their kitchen. It was almost unrecognisable to her now, a dusting of flour covered pretty much every surface and everything smelled faintly of gingerbread. There were brand new utensils appearing in the dishwasher that she had never seen before. Who knew you could ice cupcakes in so many extravagant ways?

Baking and cooking in general rarely came easy to Shanna, less so without the guidance of a proficient baker such as Lisa who had of course been banned from assisting her that week. Shan just didn’t have the patience for measuring things out so baking would require an almost complete change of personality. Even a late-night call to discuss the basic recipe for a genoise sponge cake wasn’t enough to allow help through the front door.

“It’s for a charity drive, I think? Their regional offices do it every year but I don’t remember it being this taxing.” Sarah shrugged, equally as confused. Usually for Shanna when effort was involved, it meant only one thing: there was a guy she wanted to impress. Sarah couldn’t remember her mentioning anyone in particular of late, though. Then again, they hadn’t been in the same space for too long these days and that thought made her feel sad and uncomfortable.

“Fuck, I ate lunch later today as well. Am I gonna regret this?” Scott asked, sympathising with his full stomach.

“It’s a good job I’m not on a training plan anymore.” Chris walked into the lounge bringing with him a couple of beers, handing them to Sarah and Scott before taking a seat beside her on the couch. “It’s like fuckin’ Masterchef in there.”

“I might try drinking some more water. Maybe if I pee more it might create extra space.”

“The fuck?” questioned Chris after him as he darted out of the room one last time before Shanna was finished. “I swear sometimes I can’t believe we’re related.”

“I think he thinks the same thing.” replied Sarah, jokingly as she took a swig from her bottle. “Oh wait beer’s filling, isn’t it?”

“Dunno. Probably. So am I gonna see you at all this week or am I gonna have to stalk your Facebook page?”

“Sorry, I’ll….wait, you stalk my Facebook?!”

“No.” he shrugged nonchalantly. “Only sometimes. It helps me remember what you look like.”

“Oh my god…I thought you were gonna be patient?” she asked, softening her stance so as to avoid it coming across as a dispute.

“This _is_ me being patient, Sarah.” He protested. “You’re cute when you’re annoyed with me by the way. Always thought that.”

Sarah teasingly rolled her eyes at him. “I finish at two tomorrow. I guess I could come by after?”

It mystified him why she felt the need to ask. If he had it his way, he would give her a key and tell her he once fantasised about her sneaking into his apartment late at night and fucking him senseless.

He didn’t get the chance to verbally agree as Lisa appeared in the doorway looking slightly shell-shocked and carrying a long white tray in both hands, a tea-towel thrown over one shoulder. At first, they appeared to be chocolate brownies until closer inspection showed it to be a slightly burnt sheet cake with rainbow-coloured icing and decorations. Chris gave her a look of concern not dissimilar to a face he pulls when he wants her help in getting out of something or when he tries to claim Scott is bullying him, but Lisa merely widened her eyes in response. He soon understood why as Shanna followed closely behind with two other plates piled high with cakes and treats. Noticing her struggle, Sarah got up to assist Lisa in placing the tray down on the glass table in front of her and Chris took the sly opportunity to pinch the back of her arm. As she sat back down, she caught him nod once in acceptance of her suggestion.

“Is there any chocolate in this or is it all in your hair?” Chris joshed his sister who clearly had no energy left to scold him with.

“Just….shush, OK? She’s worked very hard and it all smells rather delicious, wouldn’t you say?” asked Lisa trying to rouse some support.

“Oh absolutely!!” replied Sarah, taking the bait and nodding profusely much to Chris’ amusement. “Can we start anywhere or is there a preferred order we have to try out?”

“I’d suggest leaving the strawberry shortbread ‘til last. I was gonna suggest we eat those with some Earl Grey tea as that was what Nigella suggested. Otherwise, knock yourself out.”

“Which we absolutely _can do_ with this rocky road.” Chris said as he held up a sizeable slab of dark chocolate rocky road and pretended to analyse it, comically squinting his eyes. Regrettably, Shanna hadn’t realised she was supposed to chop the macadamia nuts into smaller pieces so eating a piece of it would likely risk a chipped tooth that evening.

“Chris!” shouted Lisa.

“What?!” he objected. “It’s constructive criticism.”

Shanna simply called him a jackass and tossed a handful of napkins at his face. Chris managed to deflect them before absent-mindedly handing one to Sarah.

Recently, Sarah had thought it odd how they had managed to avoid anyone catching on with what had been happening between them. She thought it so obvious. There were little exchanges here and there that seemed so noticeable such as making her a coffee without asking first, or texting her first to inform them he was coming over instead of Shanna. On one occasion the week previous, Chris had asked her about a work issue but Shanna hadn’t clocked anything. It’s possible it had all just been heightened in Sarah’s own consciousness. Most likely it appeared to be natural, friendly behaviour and there was in fact nothing to worry about. Still, she felt the need to remain vigilant.

Truthfully, they had been together maybe…three times? And one of those was just afternoon drinking after she finished work. He hadn’t pushed her into anything more and she was grateful. He had made it pretty obvious how he was feeling though not necessarily with words per se but with affectations here and there. He had taken to texting her late at night knowing she’d be curled up and getting ready to go to sleep, and then again in the morning to wish her a good day. Sometimes, she wondered if he just generally liked talking to her about nothing in particular. He once snuck a bag of Hershey’s Kisses into the apartment when Shanna wasn’t around and hid them under her bed so she could find them later on. Even though she cautioned him for taking the risk, she had to admit it was nice. Really nice. He would make a good boyfriend, she thought. He had a big heart and a massive capacity for affection.

She had not stayed over and the benefits of shift changes with little notice meant she could avoid the deplorable concept of lying to her best friend about where she was. For the time being at least. Frankly, Sarah thought she would have given the game away by now such was her ability to resonate blame with physical ease. She figured there would be an accidental comment here or there or perhaps she would leave her phone open on text with Shanna stumbling across it. They had agreed to be as cautious as possible, which was the most obvious decision, but the seamless nature in which their relationship had changed over just the last couple of weeks had been scarily swift and, dare she say it, even easy at times. Chris once joked they must not have been great friends to begin with which didn’t sit well within her so he quickly changed the subject. So, in acknowledgement of her anxiety, he calmed down his seductive looks reaching her across the room, refrained from tucking hair out of her face no matter how much he might want to do so, and stopped playfully pinching her on parts of her body when he thought no one was looking. They weren’t looking, why would they, but regardless, it helped make her feel less antsy in his presence and that was what he wanted.

She sat watching the family interact while eating cakes and cookies and the feared rocky road which, unexpectedly, was not as much of a disaster as they had been warned. Scott even asked to take some home for Zach which Shanna took as the biggest compliment of the evening so far, that and Chris managing to keep quiet for a whole ten minutes while enjoying a ginger-flavoured cake-pop. She had followed some recipes carefully, others not so much, but on the whole, it was seriously impressive.

“These are my favourite, I think. You should absolutely make more of these.” Sarah enthused, pointing to the white chocolate and lemon cookies, or what was left of them. “I didn’t think they’d work but they really do!”

“God, I’m so glad you said that. They only take minutes to bake and I could make dozens of them for the sale.” Shanna grabbed her iPad and made yet another note. She had perked up in the last hour or so having been faced with some rather reassuring feedback and set about deciding a plan for her contribution towards the sale. Whatever the reason for this sudden burst of creativity, she wasn’t strictly letting on, but it was nice to see her excited about something work-related for a change.

*

There were definite benefits to hanging out at Chris’ apartment. For one, it was peaceful and secluded even when they chose to sit outside on his terrace and bask in the afternoon sunshine. There was no one else to look over the trestle fencing and you’d be forgiven for forgetting he lived in the centre of a busy town. He also owned the most incredible sound system money could buy, that was built into the very fabric of the whole property. No matter where you chose to hang out, it always felt like there was an enjoyable gentle thrum of music coming from every single angle, every single corner of the place, enveloping you and calming you down in equal measure. Oftentimes, the only two places Sarah spent any meaningful time was either in her bedroom or at the hospital so a change of scenery at the very least could only be a positive thing.

His breath had been ghosting over the skin on her neck for a little while and it was making her tingle. “Can I tell you something? But you might think it’s weird...”

“Mmm?”

“I feel like I’m a teenager again.”

Sarah opened one eye and peered up at him as he leaned on his elbow beside her. “Yeh that is weird.”

He playfully jabbed her side causing her to flinch. “I just mean that it’s like we’re at school and trying to go undetected. Like, hiding out from our friends. It’s kinda fun, right?”

She thought about it for a second, smiling back up at him and his glorious face that was managing to display a look of joy in spite of his busier facial hair. Now wasn’t the time to confess to her anxieties about their situation when she had promised herself and him that she would just enjoy the moment for what it was. “Yeh, I know. It’s cute.”

“I just don’t want you feeling like you can’t unwind here. When we are here, when we do get to be alone, I think we should make the most of it.” He implored her again, hoping to hear her agree but he settled for a smile and the back of her hand reaching up to graze the side of his face. “It’s not like we’re here all the time or anything.” He brought her hand round to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss to her fingertips before lying back down beside her.

They had been lying on his sofa for nearly an hour now, in no particular rush to do anything, just enjoying the peace and quiet. It was warm and sunny outside, the first nice day they’d had in a while, and the windows were open to allow the room to stay pleasantly cool. He ran his hand over her lower tummy and played with the drawstring bow that was currently separating him from where he wanted to be. As much as he liked to make fun of her scrubs from time to time, and that was one thing that had _not_ changed, he was starting to grow accustomed to them in a fond yet strangely sexual way. He wasn’t normally bothered by women in a uniform but there was a first time for everything. He nuzzled in against her neck and left a biting kiss on her earlobe.

“I wanna take you while you’re wearing these.” He murmured, impishly letting go of the elastic waistband so it snapped back onto her skin.

Sarah’s eyes pinged open. She couldn’t tell whether he was being serious or not. As he moved his body to rest over her, she felt his fingers deftly pull on the bow to loosen the waistband and laughed when she saw the mischievous glint in his eyes.

“I cannot believe you just said that,” she giggled, wiping at one of her eyes in embarrassment while he inched her pants down off her hips and made himself comfortable between her legs. “Are you serious?”

“Well, unless we’re gonna do it in a hospital supply closet, yes.”

“You know that doesn’t happen in real life, right? You’ve watched too much 'Nurse Jackie'.” She moved her weight onto her shoulders, lifting up her ass to help him remove her trousers completely.

“First, it was 'ER', and second, why would they say it happens if it didn’t happen? They have medical consultants, right? They have people who advise on these things. It is obviously based on fact.” He smirked at her while helping himself to a smooth caress back up her legs. She couldn’t trust that he wasn’t genuinely upset at the prospect that he might not eventually get sex in the hospital. He was hard to read when sex was involved and small ministrations he had made with her suggested she was nowhere near as experienced or confident as he was in that department. This must be like the pillow fight fantasy men have and how it’s just easier to allow them to assume it happens on a regular basis lest the truth invoke spontaneous combustion or something.

He finally rested over her body, propping himself up by his arms either side of her head. He moved hair out of her face and kissed her once and then again. His playful tone clearly belied the thoughts running through his mind and she felt him stiffen between her legs, causing her arousal to grow.

“Look, just think about it, OK?” he kissed her neck and then again just above her collarbone causing a shiver to run through her body. “Just think about me-” he kissed the swell of her breast through her t-shirt “-about what we could do-” he shifted up the hem leaving her midriff exposed to the cool air before he continued to kiss his way further down “-about what I could do to you-” he grazed his fingers over her panties causing her breath to hitch “-fuck it’d be so hot-” her eyes closed in anticipation as he left wet kisses further down her stomach, his tongue caressing her skin as he moved “-and it’d feel so good-” further still “-so good, honey-” his fingernails deliberately scratched down her sides to catch up causing another shiver to twist her insides “-and it’d be so worth it-” he pulled down the sides of her panties as he went “-and we’ll call it even, yes?”

He teasingly bit her causing her to cry out and her eyes to surge open. She soon met the devil in his own as he looked back up at her coquettishly through his eyelashes, his grin disappearing as he moved down to see her open to him. He was a bad man and, in that moment, she knew he had her. He kissed her slowly, deliberately, little butterfly kisses she could barely feel but knew were there from his warm breath and the delicious sounds his lips made. Just as her hands reached out for him, his tongue entered the game gently massaging her, spreading her lips a little more to glide deeper inside her. He looked up again to find her grabbing at the armrest above her, the familiar blush covering her skin. His hands reached under her thighs, steadying them both, silently proud of his work.

He fought hard to keep himself under control at first, her involuntary reactions proving irresistible as he continued to work her over. Her hands stayed grasping at the armrest, her eyes tightly shut now, as he switched between firmer nudges and gentler, longer strokes. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t instigated this sooner, she looked so enticing above him and it was all he could do not to ravish her there and then. Just as he moved his right hand from outside her thigh, he felt her hands cover his own. Smoothing over his hair, he felt a shiver envelope his skin as her fingernails scratched over his scalp forcing his eyes to close in pleasure and his mouth to falter ever so slightly.

“Come here…” she whispered.

Their eyes reconnected and he crawled back over her to join their lips in a passionate kiss. She helped him pull his sweater over the back of his head and he tossed it onto the floor beside them, his jeans quickly joining it before he awkwardly shifted his boxers down his legs eager to pounce back onto her. She giggled before meeting his kiss again. This was all he really wanted; her hands on him, one delicately toying with his hair, maybe pulling slightly when he hits her at the right spot.

He found her shyness vanishing little by little after their first time. Well, second time, technically. He was increasingly comforted by her kisses and the way she would nervously reach for him when they were together. Her own way of letting him know, without words, that she wanted to be there.

“You OK?” he whispered, nipping at her bottom lip causing a smile to flash across her face as she looked up at him. They hadn’t yet got to the point where they felt they could safely assume what the other was thinking so he felt the need to keep asking the question of her, once for assurance and twice because he just really wanted to hear her whimper as he teasingly rubbed himself against her.

Her back arched as she guided him to her. He feels her grab his shoulders as he pushes inside and she allows herself finally for the first time that day to block out the rest of the world, leaving only him. He just wanted her to focus solely on him. Just for now. She wraps her arms around him again as he rested his on either side of her head, allowing him to control their movements as he slowly, confidently, slides in and out of her. She feels warm and soft and…comforting all at once. He relished the tightness, tugging a little on her earlobe when he feels her pulse around him. It was all he had thought about all day and there would be other times they could slow things down.

Her breathing grew shallower and her fingers grabbed at his back when she felt him thrust a little faster, harder, hitting her where she wanted it, over and over again. He never missed a beat. Her hands gripped at him harder than he’d felt before and he got excited at the thought of seeing the marks she would leave on him later on. As he moved his mouth back over hers, their breaths mixing together, she shuddered and after another second or two, finally came hard around him. It didn’t take him long to follow, watching her up close could do that to a man, and they remained in this spot, him lying on top of her, for a few more minutes.

“Oh fuck…” he panted over her neck, her hair sticking to his forehead when he moved back to kiss her.

“Yeh….” she agreed, unable to muster much energy to add anything else. Her hand returned to caress the back of his head and she felt him relax into her touch until he got a little too heavy and she had to shift out from underneath him.

He took the opportunity to pull his boxers back up as she corrected her own underwear. They smiled at each other and laughed a little bit at the state they were in. He reached out to tuck hair behind her ear before leaning in to kiss her again, retaining some of the passion from just moments ago but not wanting to push his luck.

“Where are you going?” he asked as she bent down to grab one shoe and then the other after spying it underneath his coffee table.

“Home.”

He straightened up on the sofa, eying her as she slipped on her canvas sneaker having not bothered to untie them from when she had kicked them off earlier. “Stay here for a bit. I could make us something and we can hang out. We’re allowed to do that, surely?”

“That might look a bit weird, no?”

“Why? You’ve stayed here loads of times before.”

“Only when the apartment flooded or when you’ve had a party. It’ll look strange.” She turned to look at him, a sorrowful glance telling him all he needed to know. “Sorry. It’s just I promised Shan we’d have a night in with a pizza. I think I owe her.”

“Owe her?”

“Yeh, just…some time, maybe? I’ve barely spoken to her lately and I think something is going on with a guy or possibly with work.”

“She’s a big girl, Sarah, she can take care of herself.” He attempted a protest but knew he was fighting a losing battle as she reached for her hoodie off the armchair. “And you have a life, too. You’ve been working loads. You’ve got a stressful job, and…”

“…and among other things,” she suggested pointedly. “It just feels like we’re ships passing in the night at the moment. Has she said anything to you?”

“Why would she tell me about some loser she may or may not like?” He spoke in a clipped tone but regretted it as soon as the words slipped out of his mouth. He rolled back onto the couch, sighing in defeat and unable to think of a decent come-back. She leaned down to fix her shoes again and avoided his eye contact when she got up to leave. The sad puppy expression that he’d skilfully mastered over the years had failed on this occasion but he wouldn’t be discouraged from using it again.

“Sooo…I guess I’ll just see you tomorrow, then?” he called out as she began to leave.

She turned back to find him lying on his couch like Kate Winslet in 'Titanic', one leg dangling off the side and his stomach perfectly displaying his hard-fought-for abs. His skin looked unfairly smooth even from this distance, and she bristled at the thought of having been under him just minutes ago.

“Don’t forget me…” he pouted and she would have blessed him with a quick peck on the lips by way of an apology before he smiled at her. She playfully rolled her eyes at him, made a point of remembering him laid out this way, and walked out.

*


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Strong language, suggestive language

It had not been a particularly difficult shift that Thursday. Things had been calm and peaceful as far as most days go. It was actually a nice surprise for once.

The team released a couple more patients following the accident and that news had allowed for a minor celebration among the emergency staff working that day. A glimmer of some good news always helped to raise people’s spirits and when they were later able to release Matilda as well, Sarah and Greg took a few minutes to wave goodbye to her as her nephew arrived to pick her up.

It was about time they had some happy endings amongst the ordeal. Everyone was where they needed to be. No one was rushing around. O’ Brien hadn’t yet steamrolled through the department and people seemed relaxed so things were under control. It was pleasant and really, the only reason Sarah had to feel tired at all was the gnawing hangover that had slowly taken over her life that day.

She and Shanna had had their long overdue catch-up the night before. There was pizza, a few tears, a meagre attempt at karaoke, and two empty bottles of Grey Goose now waiting to be recycled. Oh, and some left-over spiced rum but neither of them had known how long that had been there or who had bought it in the first place. Drowning it in diet coke had not been such a healthy idea either. Both had crashed out on the sofa around 3am only to be abruptly awoken with a bang that they soon discovered was from some old war movie after they had left the TV on way too loud and not, thankfully, a gas explosion from leaving the oven switched on when Shanna attempted to reheat some KFC chicken.

“Oh my fucking god…” Sarah held a hand to the side of her face in some vain hope it would help alleviate the throbbing. “I am too old for this.”

She’d woken up and found herself lying uncomfortably over their armchair, legs flung over the armrest and pins and needles stabbing her hands from having accidentally slept on them all night. It had resulted in her spending most of that day fighting one ache in her head and another one down the side of her body. Her writing was atrocious owing to her not being able to keep a firm grip on her pen and Greg had to politely ask what she meant when she wrote “hysteria” instead of “hypertension”.

Sarah had lost her sense of humour in the past couple of hours as the hangover took hold and couldn’t pick up on what Audrey was hinting at.

“I bet it was a good work-out, though?” she remarked, suggestively. “They say it’s good for the body. Good for the mind.”

“I fell asleep at an angle not meant for humans, Audrey. Nothing about this was good for my body.” Sarah massaged her hand across the back of her neck, stretching her back a little to get the blood going again. Four hours and she would be free to die in her own bed or possibly on a park bench, whichever she managed to reach first.

Audrey did her best to hide her smirk. “Why not speak to Chris and see what he suggests? Bet he’s full of practical ideas.”

“Nah he’d probably just tell me to drink through the pain.” She took another sip from her bottle of water, flinching slightly as the cold hit the back of her throat. She caught Audrey eying her in that same moment and couldn’t read the look on her face. “Are you OK?”

“Hm? Yes, of course! Just…” she half-shrugged, picking her words carefully. “I’m just…really happy for you today.”

Puzzled, Sarah wasn’t sure if she was truly awake in that moment. Audrey appeared to be having a completely different conversation and was wearing the same look on her face as she had when she heard some gossip and was dying to relay it to someone else. “OK. Thank you.”

“You look healthy…and glowing. It’s nice.” She smiled again, leaning on her elbows across the triage desk.

“Have you smoked something?”

“What? No!! You just seem like you’re having a nice time right now with Shanna and…people.” Audrey’s smile softened as they fully focussed on each other. “At least, I hope you are having a good time. Y’know, with everything else going on. You should give yourself a break. Do something fun for a change. Something…different.”

“OK. Thanks, I will.” Sarah’s brain couldn’t properly register her tone. “I am OK, Audrey, you don’t have to worry. I haven’t really thought all that much about Charlotte these days and work has been keeping me busy and stuff so, I am doing OK. I promise.”

“Cool. I’m glad.” Audrey nodded at her. “And you know if you ever did want to talk about anything, anything at all, you can always come to me, right?”

“Yeh I know. And I really appreciate that.” OK. This was getting weird now.

*

_Chris 6.44pm: Come get me…_

It was shortly before 7pm. Sarah was positively beat and looking forward to her microwave Mac ‘n’ Cheese that she’d been hiding in the back of the refrigerator for the past 3 days. It was something of a guilty pleasure of hers, albeit an unhealthy one, but one that would no doubt serve as a decent hangover cure.

Her feet ached and her migraine was still creeping around inside her skull. If she didn’t take an aspirin soon and get out from under the bright fluorescent lights, she was sure she would pass out. As grateful as she was to see his message, in all truth she was just looking forward to her bed and her pyjamas and those thick grey woolly socks that kept her feet warm but made her look like she was a yeti from the knees down. She would fall asleep on him given half the chance.

_Sarah 6.58pm: Sorry_ _L_ _Rain check? I think I died at some point today_

She didn’t have to wait long for his reply, like he hadn’t been keenly eying his phone for her message.

_Chris 6.59pm: !!! So I heard…_

_Chris 6.59pm: Please? I give really good massages. Great hangover cure ;)_

She didn’t doubt that for a second. She was tired and fed up and hungry but she’d be lying to herself if she didn’t want the giant hug he would no doubt envelope her in as soon as she walked through his door. The hair stroking and the hot chocolate and marshmallows as was his secret speciality.

_Sarah 7.03pm: I’ll just crash tho_

_Chris 7.04pm: Was hoping you’d say that. I’ll leave the door on the latch. Just come in x_

He sent her a kiss emoji and she was sold. She should have headed home, she knew she should have, and stayed away from him for one night. She had after all only just seen him less than 24 hours earlier and the closeness in meetings felt a little jarring. This wasn’t supposed to be a “thing” in that sense. It would be against her better judgement to entertain this right now, especially because he absolutely loved it whenever either her or Shanna regretted their life choices.

“OK guys, time’s up. Y’all need to leave.” Chris yelled as his pals continued to duel over Mario Cart. He hastily rushed around their feet grabbing the empties and wafting away the cloud of cigarette smoke.

“Wait, what?” piped up Mark, one eye still on the screen in front of him as the finish line appeared up ahead.

“Come on, you’ve all got homes to go to, wives and girlfriends and weird looking pets.”

“She’s a sphinx cat, thank you very much, and she’s adorable and friendly if you’d just give her a chance.” Gary argued, slightly affronted but more so by getting distracted and finding himself being lapped by Mark.

“No thanks. I’ll stick with dogs. Less likely to murder me in my sleep.” He shoved what he had managed to gather in his hands into the trash can before standing in front of his television like a suburban mom trying to get her kids out of bed. “Come on. I’ve got shit to do.”

“Since when?” Mark asked, genuinely surprised to hear about this new-found desire to work. “You’re done for the year, right? That’s what Scott said.”

Chris sighed in frustration at his apparent failure to kick his wonderful friends out of his home. He couldn’t tell them what he wanted to tell them even though he knew it would successfully help with this quest to remove them from his property but, y’know, promises were made and he was keen to stick by them for a change.

“Ohhhh I get it. “Work”.” Gary kicked Mark. “Come on pal. We’ve been usurped. Our boy here has found some new entertainment for the evening.”

“You’re just saying that because you know I’m about to win…” Mark quipped before catching the steely look in Chris’ eyes, unamused. He hadn’t seen that stare in quite some time.

“It’s not like that, OK? Just…something has come up and it’s-”

“-more fun than hanging out with your buddies?”

“Absolutely.” He nodded enthusiastically. Mark flipped him the bird and followed Gary out of the front door leaving Chris to breathe a sigh of relief. He knew Sarah could reach his property in less than twenty minutes on a good day but if she was feeling even half as sorry for herself as Shanna had been when he spoke to her, it’d be pushing half an hour at least.

After dousing the place in an air freshener he found hiding in the back of a cupboard, he got as far as considering using his vacuum, one his aunt bought for him for Christmas a couple of years back that had remained in the original box ever since. Looking at the mess, he figured it would be easier all round if he just kept her out of the living room and he’d burn it down another time. Fuck that room.

He’d planned to say a polite “hello” and ask her how her day had been while taking her by the hand and slowly pull her into his bedroom. He’d whisper sweet nothings into her ear as he undressed her, pull back the covers and make her forget about her pain. There was no better cure for a hangover in his mind. It was truly a win-win situation.

He should probably offer her a drink first, though. Possibly some aspirin, too, if she hadn’t taken some already. Maintain the allusion that he was a gentleman for a little while longer.

By the time he’d ran the trash out back, he heard her come through his front door and could feel his pulse in his ears. She smiled broadly at him when she clocked him, seemingly unaware of what had taken place that day. He was happy when he caught her giving him a look up and down knowing he was looking reasonably good thanks to some weight-lifting that morning. She had a thing for arms and there was no arguing that he was definitely a 10-plus in that department.

“Hey...” he leaned on his door frame, acting casual as though he hadn’t just been running around like a lunatic moments before she arrived. He tilted his head to the side, taking her in. She seemed happy to be there but soon saw the tiredness as he moved closer to wrap her in his arms. “How are you feeling?”

“As if you don’t know.” She pouted at him. “I think there’s a tiny man in my brain hammering against my skull.”

She pulled away from him after a few seconds and sat on the stool perched by his breakfast bar.

He grabbed a glass and poured her some filtered water. “Do you want something to eat? I’m starving. I could order in? That Chinese place you like doesn’t deliver here but I could go pick it up?”

She shook her head as she finished the drink. “Don’t worry. I doubt I’d keep anything down to be honest. I’m just tired and I’m not going to be great company either, sorry.”

“Hey don’t sell yourself short.” he said, leaning on his arms to reach her across the bar and flashing her a comforting smile. She was obviously struggling but somehow managed to stay on her feet all day and he found himself looking at her in awe. “You have your moments.”

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Nothing, just looking at you,” Chris flirted.

“No, what the hell happened here?”

Chris noticed her look past him and into the living room down the hall to where mess was still gathered on the floor. He mentally kicked himself for not closing the door properly. “Oh…that’s… that wasn’t me.”

She raised an eyebrow before bursting out laughing.

“It wasn’t _just_ me.” He rolled his eyes and admitted defeat. “I had the guys over earlier.”

“And you were gonna give _me_ a hard time?!” She playfully punched him on his arm but he grabbed her hand before she could pull away and used it to move closer towards her. His breath smelled freshly minty thanks to his quick teeth-brushing moments before she arrived. She knew it but he didn’t need to know she knew it.

Instead, she watched him watch her, his eyes intently flicking back and forth between hers. She wasn’t altogether sure of the looks he was giving her nowadays; they were both stirring and nerve-wracking in equal measure. He had already agreed to refrain from making those kinds of moves in “public” but it just meant they were heightened ten-fold when they were in private and, honestly, she was finding it harder and harder to get used to.

“You need to rest, gorgeous.” He finally spoke, breaking the quiet between them. “Come on…”

He held his hand out for her to take, her attempt at stifling a yawn pulling on him a little.

“Is it OK if I fall asleep?” she asked.

“Of course.” He responded, keenly. Genuinely, he would do whatever she felt like doing and while he was slightly fretful by her demeanour, he wanted to keep her around for a while. It was a nice change of pace from the swearing and playfighting he’d just experienced with his friends. He didn’t particularly want to cuddle with his friends and she smelled far better than they did. She smelled like sweetness and comfort, like freshly washed cotton linen, and he took the opportunity to smell her hair as she leaned on him while he ambled them both to his room. Something about it felt soothing and it was all he could do not to climb on top of her in the moment she flopped down on the end of his bed but he knew better than that and simply laid down alongside her, lying on his stomach, his head resting in both of his hands.

“Did you and Shan have a good catch-up last night?” he asked after a certain length of time passed and the peace had settled in. Her eyelashes fanned across the top of her cheeks as she rested her eyes and he listened to her steady breathing. There was almost no noise inside or out and he was happy she was able to finally relax. “Y’know, before you both drank yourself stupid.”

Sarah side-eyed him and caught his smirk before closing her eyes again. “Yeh we did, thanks, it was fun.”

“What did you guys talk about?”

“Nothing and everything and random stuff. There’s definitely a guy at work. Robbie something. He’s an accountant I think but not based in her office so she doesn’t see him around a lot.”

“There’ll probably be something wrong with him.”

“Not necessarily. You and Scott have too little faith in her when it comes to men.” She turned to look at him again. “He seems like a nice guy from what she says. Very smart, loves his family, loves the outdoors.”

“Oh that’s what’s wrong with him, then. She hates being outside.”

“Well, he sounds like he’d be a good influence compared to her last boyfriends.

“Shanna never chooses the smart guys.”

“She seems to have chosen this one if her interest is anything to go by, and change is good as they say.”

“Indeed they do.” He perked up a little bit at her seemingly off-the-cuff comment. “Is that what I am? A change?”

Sarah rolled onto her side to face him. “No. You’re a…surprise.”

He full-on belly laughed and she was relieved he saw the intended humour. “Well, hopefully a nice one?”

“Of course!” She chuckled. “What would you say I am?”

He rolled onto his back to face the ceiling and contemplated her question for a second, drawing the pause out to see if she reacted. “You’re a breath of fresh air.” He finally offered. “It’s nice. It feels like there’s no awkwardness ‘cos we already know so much about each other.” She seemed to like that response well enough.

“Did you talk about me?” He reluctantly asked again after a few more moments passed. “Or…any other guys?”

“Ummm…” she couldn’t think of a suitable response that would put an end to this conversation so she could close her eyes again and they could lie in peace.

“Oh wow…” he huffed out, trying to maintain a playful air. He poked her in her side with his finger. “You need to learn to lie faster.”

“No!” she giggled. “We did not talk about you _or_ any other guys. Not exactly anyway. Just…you know…girl stuff.”

“I know what girl stuff is, Sarah. I grew up with sisters and aunts and cousins who all told me about _girl stuff_. I remember having to talk to Scott about _girl stuff_ when Carly got her first period and he didn’t understand why she was crying herself stupid for days.”

Sarah wasn’t sure what to say to that. She now had a mental image of Chris freaking out a much-too-young Scott with talk of babies and menstruation and werewolves most probably.

Chris had in fact come up in conversation the night before, several times actually, but it was more to do with Shanna’s concern over recent media speculation into his private life vis a vis Jenny. Some things had been appearing online again, it sounded like she had made some comments on a friend’s blog, and it seemed to be turning into a story that didn’t want to die down. He could not have been unaware of it either yet he hadn’t explicitly mentioned anything to anyone so she didn’t think it was fair to bring it up now. Chris didn’t talk about anything he didn’t want to. Not even for the sake of assuaging his loved ones or his management team.

She continued to gaze at him as he looked up at the ceiling in contemplation. His beard was a little shorter, she noticed, a little neater around his jawline and neck and his right hand was reaching out to barely touch hers. His left arm rested over his stomach and helped the hem of his t-shirt ride up just enough to give a glimpse of his happy trail. He seemed comfortable enough but the next few minutes would determine whether things were going to descend into an awkward conversation. Quite frankly, she’d rather talk about periods if it was.

“You know she loves you, right? You’re her hero.”

Chris laughed again fondly before turning his head to look at her, appreciating what she was aiming for. “And what about these other guys?”

“I’m sure they like your movies,” She shrugged and he barked out again.

“I meant did she push you to talk about _your_ private life? Did she want to know what was going on?”

“Yeh, a little bit but only to say that I don’t really have much of one. She thinks I’ll end up with a doctor because they’re the only other people I meet.”

“I know. She keeps saying Greg likes you.” He didn’t miss a beat. “Apparently, he definitely wants to get in your pants.”

“I really doubt that. Why are you guys talking about this without me? How am I the last to know this?!”

“Because you don’t think highly enough of yourself, Sarah.” He said, matter-of-factly. “Which is absolute bullshit.” He turned back onto his side so she knew he was getting serious. He reached a finger out to stroke a line down the side of her face “’Cos you’re freakin’ awesome.”

She smiled gratefully at him, her face heating up. “How do I get out of this conversation with her? I don’t think she’s gonna drop it anytime soon.”

He shrugged, out of answers. Spending the evening talking awkwardly about another man wasn’t exactly what he had in mind but whatever. This barely cracked the list of his terrible “dates”.

“You do like him, though, right?” He couldn’t help himself; he’d foolishly brought the subject up. This was on him and he knew Greg was floating around her head now, probably occupying the same space he should be in and wearing his hero surgeon scrubs and glowing with a bright aura. All charm and with teeth as white as white can be. Well, two can play at that game.

“Yeh, I do. I think he’s grown on me.” She pondered. “He’s a good guy, really good at his job. Plus, he helped this old lady we were treating and spent time with her ‘cos she was on her own. She was really scared but he calmed her down. He made her a cup of tea. You can’t teach that in medical school.”

“Oh fuck…” he exaggerated smacking his hand across his face.

“What?”

“You and old people.” He replied, exasperated. “I’m Captain fuckin’ America! Am I gonna have to find an old guy to help across the street? ‘Cos I’ll fuckin’ do it right now if I have to!”

“It was you that brought him up!” she giggled and punched him on the arm as hard as she could which still wasn’t hard enough to provoke a reaction from him other than one of smug laughter. He was rock solid. If she wasn’t so tired, it would have been affecting.

“Yes and now I hate myself.” He needled her in her side causing her to yelp out at the painfully ticklish sensation. “Just say I’m your favourite and we’ll forget we ever had this conversation, OK?"

“Well…” she drew the word out to irritate him but didn’t bank on him moving on top of her to straddle her waist, his weight pinning her down into the mattress. He restrained her hands to either side of her head. She guessed he was barely using half of his full strength and that thought made her feel a little light-headed.

She tussled with him a bit for effect knowing he’d get a kick out of it also, but didn’t bank on him pushing her down further into his bed, applying more on top her in a manner that could get quite dangerous if they weren’t careful. This close she could see the tell-tale darkness setting in his eyes and his breathing slowed down, gently cooling her face. After allowing herself to bask in it for a brief minute, she grinned at him and he chuckled back.

“Yes, yes, OK? You happy now?! You are my favourite!” She giggled and he eventually loosened his grip on her wrists to allow her to feel like she could push him off. He collapsed to her side, keeping one arm across her stomach and they stayed like this for some time.

*

She ended up leaving around half 6 the next morning. She’d woken up a couple of hours after they had fallen asleep and made them both some food with what she could piece together from his kitchen. He really needed some kind of assistant to keep things ticking over, she mused. She couldn’t reconcile how he survived at times and if it wasn’t for him spending so much time at her and Shanna’s apartment, or at his mom’s, he would probably forget to eat a solid meal.

They stayed in a tranquil sort of state for a little while, just eating and chatting about nothing in particular, and just as she implied she should make a move to head home, he convinced her to stay again with a low, dozy tone indicating that he could also quite easily crash alongside her. She was content here and the thought of leaving for the outside noise didn’t appeal.

He was still fast asleep when she silently gathered her things and she decided against waking him to say goodbye. She had woken up a few times during the night and admired with jealousy how he always managed to sleep like a baby regardless of his surroundings. Much like a baby also, he was cranky as hell if you woke him. She knew this much when she’d inadvertently tried to kick him out of their flat following a Super Bowl party years earlier. He had taken it so personally and was so grumpy with her, she didn’t think he’d ever talk to her again.

She walked home in record time and straight into her bedroom to dump her things before heading for the kitchen. Like with most of her hangovers, she was always starving the day afterwards and contemplated the Mac ‘n’ Cheese. Eating pasta at this time of the day for sure would have been the dream and it would have been all too easy but she had enough bad habits at the moment. She made some toast instead before checking her phone for any new messages.

“OH MY GOD where have you been?!”

The loud shrill tone from Shan shook Sarah from her reverie causing her to drop her phone, shattering the corner of the screen on the tiled floor.

“Jesus Christ you scared the life out of me!!” Sarah clutched her hands to her chest and took a deep breath. “I didn’t think you would be up this early?”

Shan moved to help pick up Sarah’s phone. “I slept all day yesterday but woke up an hour ago. I didn’t know where you were. Have you only just left work?”

Guilt panged inside Sarah to see Shan so concerned. She felt awful lying to her that she had indeed had a long shift and had chosen to crash in the staff quarters but right now that seemed easier than trying to pass off casually sleeping in her brother’s bed.

“How are you feeling?” Sarah asked, dusting off her phone. She realised she should probably try to at least look like she was heading towards her bedroom to sleep for a little bit. Actually, that didn’t seem like such a bad idea. She viewed her phone and saw missed calls and texts from both Shanna and Jocelyn.

“Ugh I’ve had worse days, I s’ppose. I think it was that rum stuff we drank. That was not right.”

Sarah’s stomach turned at the sudden recollection of it all. She wasn’t feeling much better as she thought. Shanna sat down at the table and Sarah tossed her a slice before putting the kettle on to make some coffee.

“I think the lack of good sustenance probably didn’t help either.” She chuckled. “I found half the pizza left in the trash.”

Shanna regarded Sarah sheepishly for a second. “Wasn’t a bad night, though, was it?”

Sarah saw the cheeky look in her eyes and laughed in response. No, it wasn’t. She was right. Sarah always enjoyed the times they spent together and the memories they were making even when they didn’t realise they were making them. It could be messy and they had certainly made their fair share of bad choices over the years but it always came back to this: the two of them sat around the kitchen table, suffering through it all together.

“Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”

Isn’t that the way it always goes?

*


	15. Chapter Fourteen*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is possibly the longest chapter so apologies for that! Following this is a plan for a 3-part chapter. I don't think I can contain this story to 18 chapters now as some things have changed from my original plan. I'll keep extending this as much as I can and keep you posted as I do so. 
> 
> I hope you continue to stay with it and thank you so much again for stopping by and giving me your time.
> 
> Warnings: Language, NSFW

Sarah jostled with the mail as she entered their building, trying hard not to knock over the newest fresh plant currently adorning the entrance. They usually took it in turns to handle the post and whatever parcels the Supervisor had signed for that day but she was starting to feel a little short-changed as Shanna had consistently more post coming her way these days. Sarah realised she needed to get out more. Carting everything up the stairs was starting to become its own workout. Today’s treasures involved two Nasty Gal packages, a package from Pottery Barn, a box from Amazon, and what appeared to be a free sample of a Louis Vuitton fragrance. Sarah might just keep that last one to herself.

Jocelyn had sent another care package of sorts her way but it only served to remind Sarah that she had not called her folks in over a week. Ever since the accident, Jocelyn had been so consumed with worry that she had taken to sending Sarah articles ripped from magazines and gift cards for relaxation therapies. Despite Sarah’s many protests to the contrary, Jocelyn was sure Sarah was struggling with some form of undiagnosed PTSD. She’d read about it in a magazine. _“It affects upwards of half a million Americans every year, honey.”_

After successfully dodging the neighbour’s schnauzer, she eventually reached their floor and was just about to turn her key in the lock when the door swung wide open. Before she had time to react, she was brought face to face with a stressed-out Shanna, hair dripping from a shower. Not her favourite Shanna it had to be said. Not even in the Top Ten.

She grabbed Sarah by both shoulders. “I don’t know what I’m going to wear, Sarah! I’ve got less than an hour!”

“And hello to you, too!” Sarah smiled broadly, almost comically so, before Shanna lowered her head in embarrassment and moved out of the way so Sarah could physically get into her own home. She held the packages up. “Maybe there is something in here?”

Shanna shook her head. “No, they’re more summery. More formal.” She’d started fluttering around Sarah in a panic. “Do you still have that leather midi skirt? Do you think I could fit into it?”

“Uhh yeh it’s in the back of my closet somewhere.” She remembered. “Might be a bit warm, though? What were you gonna wear with it?”

“Well, it’s a punky kind of bar, think it has live music and stuff so I thought maybe that Rolling Stones t-shirt and the maroon boots? Keep my hair down and casual?”

“So basically all of my clothes?” Sarah retorted. Shanna pressed her hands together in prayer and gave her the best pitiful smile she could manage, one she knew Sarah couldn’t resist. Shanna seemed to genuinely like this guy and if this guy was as charming and as smart as she told her he was, Sarah was sure she would like him, too. Hell, he’d be best friends with Scott and Chris in no time so long as he enjoyed football, Sam Adams, and didn’t put points on Shanna’s licence.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll see what I can pull together. Do you wanna borrow that heart necklace of mine? If you’re wearing your hair down, it’s probably best you avoid wearing earrings unless you want me to cut you out of them again.” Sarah shouted as she walked into her room unaware that Shanna had followed her closely behind.

“Oh god I hadn’t even thought that far. You know what, I might just cancel. This is just too much right now and I’m not even sure if he really likes me as anything more than a friend.” She feigned a dramatic flop onto Sarah’s bed, one arm landing across her forehead. Sarah delved through her closet to locate the desired items. If Shanna was threatening to cancel the date already, it must be serious.

“How many of you are going to this club?” Sarah asked, emerging from the closet doorway.

“Don’t know. Think three or four from my department and another couple from his?” she responded, hopelessness evident in her voice. Shanna never did well with vagueness where guys were concerned; everything had to be black and white with her.

“Come on, you’ve still got time.” Sarah encouraged as she carried some clothes and a couple of pairs of boots towards the bed. “Dry your hair and we’ll figure this out, OK?”

“Have I told you how much I love you lately?” Shanna pouted and Sarah tried to shrug off the put growing in her stomach from her words. She used every ounce of energy she could muster to get up and drag herself back into the bathroom leaving Sarah shaking her head.

It was only a rare occasion when Shanna took less time getting ready in the bathroom. Sarah had fond memories of shouting through the door back when they were at college and deciding to move in together required a complete 180º shift in her expectations. Still, in less than half an hour, here she emerged fully dressed, primer and foundation applied, and hair dried accordingly. It was a miracle of epic proportions. If she hadn’t shoved some false eyelashes into Sarah’s hand, Sarah would have snapped a photograph to send to the family as evidence that their little girl was growing up.

Thanks to her professional, steady hand, Sarah was always the eyelash-fixer among their group. While fixing a couple of lashes to the corners of her eyes, Sarah’s phone buzzed. It buzzed a couple more times in quick succession and she would have managed to ignore it had it not been for Shanna’s roving eye.

“Looks like someone wants you.” She murmured, trying her hardest not to move as Sarah held the glued lash in place with some tweezers.

“It’ll just be Audrey probably.” Sarah responded Sarah in no rush to check for herself, keeping a firm hold on what she was doing.

Shanna tried glancing to her side one more time to catch who it was but couldn’t quite make it out. It buzzed again. “I’d hate for you to miss out on a date with Greg on account of helping piece my pathetic love life together. Oooh maybe we could double-date!”

Shanna’s exclaim nearly caused Sarah to lose her grip on the tweezers but a sharp intake of breath convinced Shanna to give up the inquisition. “Sorry. Sorry.” She held her hands up as an apology before feeling Sarah’s hands relax as she moved across to the other eye.

Sarah was pleased to see Shanna eventually leave their apartment. Not because she wanted the peace particularly but just because it was nice to see her get excited over a guy that wasn’t Ben. She looked gorgeous, too. Sarah was quite proud of her work. If it wasn’t to be a proper date, it definitely would be after tonight. Robbie would be an absolute fool to miss out.

It was only when she slumped down onto the couch and spent the next hour or so flicking through television channels that she remembered her phone had buzzed earlier on. She reluctantly peeled herself off the sofa and retrieved it from where it had originally landed on her bedside table. Honestly, it was like Shanna had taught her nothing.

From just two messages, Chris had attempted some mild flirtation with her before asking her if she knew what in God’s Name _Penhaligon’s_ was.

_Sarah 8.19pm: Perfume I think. Pretty old school brand. Why?_

_Chris 8.23pm: Mom wants it for her birthday. Never heard of it before. Scott thought it might be some kind of scarf??_

She googled the name to make sure. Last thing she wanted was to end up ruining Lisa’s birthday celebrations with a present she absolutely did not want. Her birthday was something she took with increasing seriousness as each year passed by and her children and grandchildren grew older in front of her eyes. There was always a party of sorts, a massive cake, perhaps a theme, and a “suggestion list” for possible gifts. Well, they say “suggestion” but rarely did anyone dare deviate from “The List”. Sarah hadn’t yet considered buying a present but if Chris was already looking, she would no doubt need to catch up.

_Sarah 8.34pm: Yep pretty certain it’s a perfume. Pretty pricey. Good shout._

Sarah started scanning through her phone as another couple of messages caught her eye, some she had accidentally missed from earlier in the day. One from Audrey. One from Greg that she was not expecting.

_Greg 7.02pm: Great news! 29 th is set up. All you need to do is say the word! Don’t know how long I can hold the spot open so let me know as soon as you can. Have a great evening x_

It took her moment to register what he was talking about.

_Chris 8.37pm: Cool thx what are you wearing??_

Sarah stared down at the phone. She felt light-headed. There was far too much going on for this time of the day. She wiped at her forehead with her sweater sleeve and took a deep breath.

_Sarah 8.41pm: You wouldn’t be interested lol_

_Chris 8.42pm: try me……._

He had a surprising habit these days of cheering her up.

_Sarah 8.46pm: Nah I look a mess. Get out while you can._

Her phone started ringing almost as soon as she’d pressed ‘Send’, Chris’ name flashing on her screen. She contemplated not answering now that her mood had taken a turn but she knew he would work out something was wrong and immediately dive over.

“Hey,” she answered, trying for a jovial tone but coming up just south of delirious.

“Hey you,” he smiled through the phone, happy to hear her voice. “In all the years I have known you, Bernette, not once would I describe you as looking like _a mess_.”

She laughed down the line. She made the right decision.

“…you are far too cute to ever be a mess. Do you know that? Like, I can already picture you with your sweats on, your hair tied up, soft skin…” he trailed off with a low sigh that she was sure was filthier than he intended it to be. “Man, that really does something to me.”

“You really know how to charm a girl. Have you figured this Penhaligon’s thing out yet? Was I right?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

She laughed again. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m not great with flirting over the phone. You should know that by now.”

“Then do it with me in person.” He proposed as if it was the easiest solution in the world. As if she wasn’t going to be distracted with thoughts of work and studies enough to not focus on him entirely. And he didn’t deserve to be second best.

It would have been all too easy to allow him to come over. Forget about overthinking things again. There truly was no one better at making her feel good about herself these days. Like honest, through-the-bone good about herself, whatever that entailed. Goosebumps raised on her skin at the thought.

“I’m pretty whacked to be honest and…”

“What’s going on? Are you feeling alright?” he asked, concern evident in his tone. Whatever he had been pottering about with in the background had stopped all of a sudden.

“Yes! Yeh, I’m fine. Just…I dunno, boring. Plus, it’s Friday night! You should be out with the guys or whatever. Shan said Scott is having issues with Zach again. Is he OK?”

He laughed at her second lame attempt to deflect. He knew something was going on and he knew she knew he wouldn’t give up easily.

“Is Shanna there?” he asked.

“No, she went out with some friends.”

“So why don’t you ask me to come over and I’ll make you feel better than fine?”

She was lucky she was sat down or that her legs were crossed underneath her as she lounged on the couch, her back against the arm rest. His tone was causing her to feel things she shouldn’t be focussing on. What must it feel like to always be confident of your effect on people?

“Do you wanna come over?” she asked, treading lightly, not entirely anxious should he decline.

“I’ll be there in twenty.” He ended the call almost as abruptly as he had dialled it.

She remained where she sat for a moment, Greg’s text message still lighting up her screen. She wasn’t expecting for things to suddenly be so easy for her and it was strange how opening herself up to more possibilities could cause her to feel so immobile.

She would need to move at some point and as helpless and as confused as she now felt, she knew it would look far too obvious to Chris if she bid to make herself up. She also didn’t really have the energy to do so. Lord, Chris really should have taken the out when he had the chance.

“Have I just walked into a teenage girl’s bedroom?” Chris asked, taking a look around as he entered the apartment not long afterwards. He clearly found the scene amusing although Sarah couldn’t understand why. It was partly Shanna’s home after all. He should be used to a girly mess. “What’s going on?”

“Shan has a date. I was helping her get ready.” Sarah replied humourously holding the hairdryer up as if it was some kind of trophy before dumping it back in her bedroom. “Sort of, actually. She doesn’t quite know if it’s a _date_ date or a friend date.”

“I got told those didn’t exist.” Chris smirked, reaching for a bottle of water from her fridge.

“Well, she’s dressed up for one. Looks gorgeous.”

“I think _you_ look gorgeous.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Chris, you don’t need to make any more effort, OK? You’re already in the apartment.”

“I think it bears repeating is all.”

He swallowed half the bottle of water before fixing her with a semi-quizzical stare. He tried to figure out what was going on as he watched her potter around the kitchen table, swiping something away into a cupboard, phone grasped in her hand. “What’s going on? You sounded weird on the phone and now you look like it as well.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” She answered far too quickly and tried to shrug it off but his body language told her he wasn’t buying it. She wasn’t sure what was bothering her more in this moment; him knowing her too well, or that he knew he knew her too well.

“OK, alright, well, it’s Friday night and I’m happy just hanging out and doing whatever but you can also talk to me as well. I’m not a monster.”

It was her turn to look back at him, unsure of her next move or indeed his. She wondered if he was very likely regretting his decision to meet her now when twenty minutes in the opposite direction would take him to one of his favourite downtown dive bars. Instead, he rested against the side of the kitchen doorway, arms folded, a softness still present in his facial expression. He seemed hesitant of what to say and she didn’t like the slight awkward air surrounding them. She didn’t want to venture into work-territory either.

“Do you want me to go, Sarah?”

She looked back up at him after a short spell spent staring down at her feet. “No. I don’t want you to leave. I’m just…there’s something…” she paused to re-evaluate her words. “You know what, it’s fine. It’s nothing major. Of course, I’m glad you’re here now.”

He pushed himself off from the counter and moved towards her, accepting of the greeting smile now covering her face, the bottle of water still in his grip. “Cool. Shall I follow your lead then, or…?”

“Do you wanna watch a movie or something?” she suggested, more casually than he would have liked. She didn’t know what to say to him now that all of her brain space was taken up with possibilities and wanting to call Audrey with the news. Chris hadn’t factored in watching a film but she seemed like she wanted a little peace and quiet and he had pretty much dived into the apartment as soon as she gave him the green light, eager as he was to see her without threat of Shanna walking in at any point.

“Movie sounds good.” He bobbed his head in agreement, content in their surroundings for now.

*

At some point towards the end of _Searching_ , Chris quietly excused himself to go to the bathroom. Realising something was about to happen and not wanting to have to explain it to him after he returned, Sarah put the film on pause and headed into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. She had held him at an arms’ length for most of the night, the couch seeming longer somehow, but was now feeling a slight chill despite the thick sweater reaching midway down her thighs. He would no doubt have been cosy to snuggle up to but she was still pondering Greg’s message and couldn’t concentrate on much else.

Her demeanour hadn’t gone unnoticed by Chris. A couple of times he caught the glare from her phone screen illuminating her face from below and wondered who had gotten her attention this evening. He stopped himself from making an obvious joke and was disappointed that she hadn’t noticed him glance across at her several times during the movie. He wasn’t much interested in watching it. Telling the truth, he’d seen it via a DVD screener Matt had sent him months earlier but she’d mentioned she was looking forward to watching it and in all honesty, he had figured they would curl up together and he would have still gotten something out of it.

“Chris? Do you want a cup of tea?” she hollered from the kitchen doorway. No response for what seemed to be a long, long minute. She switched the kettle off and began pouring him one anyway. She could always drink two if he didn’t want it.

“Chris?” she shouted again.

She walked into the lounge to place the cups down and clocked the bathroom door ajar and seemingly empty. Maybe he left without telling her. In all fairness, she wouldn’t have been surprised or annoyed. She’d barely given him a moment of attention for the last two hours.

She wandered slowly down the hallway first passing Shanna’s bedroom before reaching her own and finding him stretched out across the bottom of her bed. She giggled and leaned on the side of the doorway. He looked rather comfortable. A little too comfortable. Maybe he wanted some company?

“What are you up to, Evans?”

He tilted his head up to find her standing there. “I was wondering how long it would take for you to notice I was gone.” He leaned up further and rested on one arm to fully take sight of her. His appeared a little dopey, a thing that always seemed to give away his nefarious intentions. From the angle he was now lying in, the size of his bicep looked ridiculous. It could not have been an accidental move and she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t working.

“Are you bored? You can absolutely go if you have a better offer, I promise I won’t mind,” she offered by way of an apology but he stayed looking at her, not moving or responding to her offer. Being caught under his glare like this was unnerving to say the least. His hair looked a little messy from where he had been lying down yet he still made zero effort to move at all.

“I’m not bored.” He finally spoke, sincerity lacing his voice. “Are you? You seem distracted tonight.”

She didn’t know how to respond except to say he was right and to apologise again. She hadn’t figured out what to say to Greg yet so explaining her thought process to Chris wasn’t going to get her very far. It was times like this, when he was looking at her like _that_ , that she wished she had the confidence to try and shut him up the old-fashioned way.

“Come here…” It was barely a whisper and she would have doubted he had spoken at all if it wasn’t for the hand he was now holding out towards her. He didn’t blink once.

She couldn’t refuse him and moved slowly to stand in the middle of his now-parted legs hanging off the end of the bed as he sat up. She watched as he closed his eyes when he felt her fingers smooth through his hair. There was something so calming about her touch, the deliberate graze of her nails sending little shocks down his spine. He wasn’t normally fussed by a woman playing with his hair even if occasionally he liked it when they pulled on it but something about her slow, tender touch was unlike anything he had felt before.

He moved his hands to the side of her thighs before pulling her legs down to either side of him. “I love looking at you from here,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist making sure she couldn’t get away from him.

She moved in to kiss him, softly at first before she felt his tongue glide along her bottom lip, a wordless request for her to open up. He paused for a second, taking her in while she caught her breath before kissing her deeper than before. She pulled his t-shirt up from the hem and he reached up over his back to grab it and whip it off in record time. Not one of his proudest moments, it caught on his watch as he tried and failed to fling it to the side of them and he made a mental note to try that move again when he felt her chuckle against the side of his neck. He didn’t much mind being a dork in front of her. She knew he wasn’t as cool as he made himself out to be.

His hands soon found their way into her hair as he caressed the strands out of her face. He loved how silky it felt between his fingers and how faintly it smelled of coconut, her signature smell by now. Her hands gripped his wrists before slowly moving up his biceps and grasping at his shoulders while he pulled her down onto him to allow her to feel how hard he was becoming from her touch. He wanted to know she was only thinking about him. She felt him push up into her core and arousing her even more. His breaths were getting shorter while his hands moved down to her sides in an attempt to hook into her leggings and drag them down and off her body. She moved a hand away from his shoulders to help him with his mission but a tapping sound soon broke her from her reverie.

“Wait,” she was still holding on to his arms to steady herself until things went quiet and his hands froze on her waist. Their breathing levelled out quickly and Chris threw her a confused look. “Do you hear something?”

“What?” He gasped. “No, nothing.” He grabbed the back of her head and pulled her back down to kiss him hard. His hands firmly gripped her ass until she was putting pressure back where he wanted it. She quickly forgot what she was thinking about while he moved her slowly along his growing length. He moved one hand up her side, dragging her sweater up with it so his fingers could finally feel her skin underneath. Her hands were pushing down on his chest a bit harder and in a moment that took her by total surprise he quickly flipped them over so she was lying underneath him, completely encased by his strong forearms.

Kissing her was so easy he couldn’t believe he hadn’t done it sooner. Her lips were soft, some of the softest he had ever touched. He figured she kissed like she wanted to be kissed, and he wanted to kiss her back like no boy had ever kissed her before. It was soft and hot and breathy and turning him on immensely. Neither was trying to win a battle but rather seeking and enjoying their closeness, the sharing of this one single sensation, outside world be damned.

The prospect of being uninterrupted was giving him all kinds of ideas. Her breathing was hot against his skin and he knew she was in the zone with him. They’d never particularly been slow and up until this point, he hadn’t much minded but he knew there was some part of her she was holding back and honestly, it was thrilling to him that he was determined to figure her out.

Pinning her underneath, one hand reached down and grazed the inside of her thigh. A little more pressure just over her clit caused her breath to hitch with a sudden squeak ever so slightly until they smiled back into their kiss, tongues massaging together. Honestly, he could carry on doing this for hours if he knew for sure there would definitely be another time they had this opportunity.

She opened her eyes to find him resting so close above her and evidently relishing the way she was lightly tickling the back of his neck with her fingers. Another languid kiss followed before he caught the side of her neck between his teeth and pushed himself against her core, her wetness increasingly apparent to him. She was growing accustomed to his need to tease her like this that she almost missed the scraping sound that had returned, only this time it was louder and sounded like it was coming from just down her hallway. She would have loved nothing more than to continue focussing on the hot breath now ghosting across her neck and shoulders but, panicking, she grudgingly pushed him off her.

“Fuck, what is that?”

Helpless and slightly dazed, all he could do was watch her get up from the bed to stand by the door. With an ear close to the gap, she listened out for another sound. Quieter than before, she swore she heard what sounded like shuffling followed by something being dropped on the ground.

Spying him about to protest, she shook her head. “Nope. Nope, that’s definitely something,” She proceeded to tiptoe out of her room and down the hall towards the kitchen, her bare feet treading ever lightly and managing to dodge the one creaky floorboard. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting to find but felt a brief surge of confidence knowing the vision of Captain America might alarm whoever was attempting to break in to her home and presumably try to murder them both. He was 6 foot and built like a tank, he could absolutely save them both if push came to shove.

Of course, no one was there that she could immediately see. Maybe something had fallen off the wall instead, or perhaps had been knocked over by a strong breeze coming in via the open window in the lounge? Maybe she was hearing things after all or maybe it was a burglar but they got startled and ran away when they heard footsteps inside. Maybe it was just their neighbour moving around next door but it sounded a little too close for that. She resorted to the only thing she could think of in that moment and picked up a spatula just in case.

Chris was reluctantly putting his t-shirt back on when he followed quietly behind her, shaking his leg to relieve some of the tension in his boxers. Something banged again but this time she was sure it was coming from the outside of her front door. He could now hear it as well but wasn’t entirely sure what she was hoping to accomplish with a plastic spatula in hand.

She held her finger up to her lips to stop him from making any noise and peered through the peephole. She couldn’t see anything. Gingerly, she decided to open the door and jumped backwards when there, on the ground hunched up and leaning against the door frame, was a rather intoxicated-looking Shanna. Her bag had been emptied in a hurry like she’d been trying to locate her keys, and her coat was falling off her shoulders. She was half-asleep.

Chris snorted from somewhere close behind Sarah unable to contain himself, instantly familiar with the view in front of him. Sarah exhaled with some kind of relief that they were safe from a mass-murderer.

“I don’t believe it…” she spoke quietly.

“I do!” Chris could barely stop the laughter coming out now.

She and Chris moved to help her into the apartment, each grabbing her under one arm. Chris bared the majority of her weight while Sarah carried her bag and as many contents as she could find. They managed to manoeuvre her into her bedroom where she promptly fell forward, head first, on to her bed.

  
“Fuckin’ waster,” he laughed heartily before Sarah punched his arm to stop him from waking her. The room fell silent for a moment before the unmistakeable sound of Shan snoring took over. Chris closed the door behind them before following Sarah to the kitchen where she collected the remaining items that had fallen out of her bag. Picking up her phone, she checked for scratches.

“Well, at least she didn’t lose it this time.” She held up the mobile to him but noticed he couldn’t stop grinning. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “I just wish I’d taken a picture of her. Scott would have a heart attack. Always told her she couldn’t handle her drink!”

“I don’t know how you’d explain getting hold of a photo of her.”

“Oh yeh, good point.” He chuckled in response. They regarded each other for a moment, Chris clearly hopeful they could pick up from where they left off.

“I think you should go,” Sarah thought apologetically.

He paused before answering, expecting her to have been joking. “Why? She’s passed out on her bed. She’ll be asleep for hours. Do you have any idea how many times I have seen her like this?

“Have you any idea how many times _I_ have seen her like this? She’ll wake up in the middle of the night and get into bed with me and it’d be a lot easier to handle if I didn’t have to explain to her why her brother was also there.”

“Sarah, we could throw a rave and she wouldn’t wake up.”

He was making no effort to move, instead fixing her with a stare waiting for her to recognise how ridiculous she sounded. His hands pinched at his hips and he looked a foot taller than before.

“Seriously, Chris, you’re just going to have to leave.”

He took a couple of steps towards her, bare feet padding along the hard, cold floor. “I haven’t seen you all week.” His tone bordered on a whine, hands reaching out for her hoping the memory of where they had been would be enough to convince her he should stay.

“That’s not true. You saw me the other day.” It was a weak response. Even she knew that.

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

She offered back nothing. She had no response. He was disappointed and equally as frustrated with his lack of a decent comeback. He should definitely stay. He should be rocking her world right this moment and whispering filthy things into her ear but instead, all he could do was stand there and shake his head in defeat. When he made eye contact with her again, she looked somehow smaller in some way and he found it hard to continue being frustrated with her. He understood what she was doing as much as he didn’t want to.

Resigned, he shuffled towards her and embraced her in a hug. She felt him semi-hard against her tummy, briefly doubting her choices. It stirred something exciting inside her to think she could make him feel that way and mentally chastised Shan for cock-blocking her. She felt bad for kicking him out like this.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you,” she whispered.

He loosely pulled away from their hug and looked down at her. He playfully raised an eyebrow and looked down at her lips, still pink and swollen, before chastely planting a kiss on them.

“I am absolutely going to hold you to that.”

*

Shan finally made an appearance the following morning looking like death warmed up. She’d somehow managed to remove her clothes but had a pyjama top on backwards and her hair was sticking out in all directions. She has Sarah’s expert eyeliner and a false lash smudged down one cheek.

Sarah was eating breakfast and checking the news on her phone when she saw the creature from the black lagoon emerge into her kitchen. Stifling a laugh at the sorry sight standing before her, she felt a pang of sympathy seeing every step cause her pain. Shan just pouted at her before taking a seat at the kitchen table, resting her forehead in her hands while Sarah fixed her a glass of juice and some aspirin. She took it gratefully before groaning.

“Remind me never to do shots again.” She stressed. Sarah knew it wouldn’t last, not with that Boston blood coursing through her veins. “Was Chris here last night?”

Sarah froze, a sudden ring clouding her ears. “Erm, no, he wasn’t.” She turned to put her bowl in the sink and tried to hide any blushes. She didn’t know who felt more like shit in this exact moment.

“Oh I could have sworn I heard him is all,” Shan said, more to herself than to anyone else. “God, it’s good he wasn’t. He’d have a ball game seeing me in that state. How awful was I?”

“Not very,” Sarah lied again.

“How did I even get home?” She asked, trying to piece together the flashes of memories that kept racing through her mind.

“Um, I think your friends dropped you off in a taxi and you somehow managed to get up the stairs but then I guess then you couldn’t find your keys…?” Shan managed a puzzled look. “You were slumped against the front door.” She refilled her glass with juice. “You’ve been in bed for, like, twelve hours,”

“Shit, we must have started early.”

“Well, it happens to the best of us.” Sarah sat next to her and pushed a loose piece of hair out of her sweaty, red face. “Your hair looks OK! I don’t think there is anything stuck in it this time.”

Shanna laughed for the first time before her head panged in revenge.

“So? Did anything happen with Robbie?” Sarah asked, a cheeky grin crossing her face. By the look on Shanna’s face, the answer was a resounding “no” but it could very well have been the alcohol-induced hurricane currently running through her head.

“Well, it was a great night regardless. You’d love the bar. I think we ran into that guy, the porter from your hospital? Pat something? Did you know he played in a band?”

“Um, no, not at all. Wow.” Sarah was trying to picture Patrick with an array of different instruments to see which suited him before remembering the awkward time he attempted to drum Phil Collins’ ‘In The Air Tonight’ with two scalpels. “Actually, he does seem like the type. I’ll have to let Audrey know. She’ll love this!”

“Well, he sounded pretty decent. It’s not just punk music or heavy rock. I think we should all go one night. Maybe as part of Mom’s birthday week.” Shanna perked up a little, proud of the idea that had materialised in her head against all odds. “It’s amazing what people can do when they put some effort in. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Where you might be now if you just took a chance.”

Following a night of heavy drinking, Sarah wasn’t expecting such an existential conversation at this point in the day. But it was a good point regardless. She grabbed her phone from the table and typed out a message to Greg.

“Yes. I’m in.”

*


	16. Chapter Fifteen: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of a 3-part chapter. 
> 
> It moves the story along quite a bit (finally) and I am about 80% complete on the second and third parts, too. Shouldn’t be too long ‘til they get posted, fingers crossed. Thanks again for stopping by. Let me know if you have any comments or advice; all greatly appreciated, good and bad!
> 
> Warnings: Some mild language

“So, what you’re saying is if I don’t put out a statement, they’re going to roll this all over me? And there is nothing we can do to stop this?” Chris yelled into his phone, his hand coming down hard on the white marble counter in front of him. “What do I even pay you for?!”

“Listen to me, will you?!” Matt was on the end of the line attempting to diffuse his client’s growing anger from 3,000 miles away. “There isn’t anything in this that harms you, OK? I’ve read the copy and honestly, you come across as a really sweet guy. She paints you out to be a lovely person, someone who was helping her come to terms with the end of her marriage.”

Matt was getting no response from the other end of the phone but could picture the look on Chris’ face as if he was standing in front of him. “I know it’s not ideal. It’s not great timing but it could be _so_ _much worse_. You’re not being painted as a homewrecker. We can absolutely deal with this when it happens, put out a couple of cute pictures of you and your nephews or something and all will be forgotten.”

Chris sighed in exasperation. Or was it desperation? He didn’t even know. “…Who the fuck even writes this trash? None of it is remotely true.”

“I know, I know, we’ve pushed back on a lot of the smaller details, dates and things like that, but I honestly think if we put out this statement it’ll clear up a lot of the ambiguity they’ve left in theirs. They’re just trying to get some clicks, that’s all.”

“It’s not ambiguous, Matt, it’s downright bullshit. I mean, the whole thing about the hotel is not even close to being true. I booked it ‘cos I was feeling unwell and needed a break. She just turned up. I didn’t invite her.” He was losing his cool again and becoming more upset. “And what have they said about my mom?!”

“Umm…” Matt scanned the pages scattered over his desk. He quickly located the offending quotes and just as quickly sugar-coated it to avoid one of his biggest stars passing out from stress. “Just that they’d met and got along. I actually don’t think that’s a problem for us. If anything, it shows you are very close to your family and they visit you on set from time to time.”

It had been a long morning and Chris was already feeling like he was done for the day. No, the entire week. He needed a beer. He needed beers plural and he needed to get wasted for a night and forget everything arising around him again. Better yet, he needed Sarah. She’d know what to say and when she’d finished saying it, she’d help his mind feel quieter again.

Oh fuck. Sarah.

She’ll think he’s a dickhead when she reads this. It almost goes against everything he’d explained to her and his family so far.

“When is it coming out?” Chris asked after a few moments had passed.

“They’re pushing for late August and I actually think that is our best chance. September is a busy time for magazines across the board and everyone will be talking about the big ones, Vogue and Vanity Fair etcetera. There’s no competition.” Matt was talking in a calmer tone mirroring Chris’ own change of pace. “We can slip out a quiet rebuttal and end it before it’s even began.”

“Yeh, yeh, OK. I understand.” Chris took a deep breath wearily and leaned his whole body onto the counter. He ran his free hand down his face and rested it on the beard underneath his chin, tugging slightly on the hairs in a bid to feel something else that would hopefully bring him back into the room.

“You need to trust me, Chris. _That’s_ what you pay me for.” Matt reassured him. They exchanged as polite a goodbye as possible before hanging up. Matt threw himself back onto his desk chair, swinging it around to take in the view of a bustling downtown Los Angeles outside his office window. Stuff like this was child’s play for a pro like him but Chris wasn’t a typical client. He was normal for one thing, whatever “normal” meant these days. He’d been representing him for close to nine years, one of his longest relationships now he thought about it, and one that meant a great deal to him.

Professionally, the work helped pay for his mother’s retirement home and his own holiday apartment in Aspen, Colorado, but it ran deeper than that. Chris was also a very good friend. If Chris had stuck to low-budget Indie dramas like he originally planned, Matt wouldn’t have minded even though he had worked with and had experience of dealing with mega-studios like Marvel and stars who actively sought to cover themselves in PR glory any chance they got. That sort of thing was strangely easier to handle but Chris remained quiet and adamant about sticking to his guns when it came to his private life and Matt held a very high respect for that. So when stuff like _this_ came along, well, Matt knew exactly what to do and was all too happy to hold a light up to the hypocrisy of the Hollywood press machine.

Thousands of miles away in a small kitchen in Boston, Chris remained holding on to the edge of the countertop as he brought his breathing back under control. Lisa had ventured in and out at times only to fall back when she felt Chris’ bristling, nervous energy. It was rare that he got angry at Matt so something was clearly going on to cause him to lose his cool but she knew now wasn’t the right time to ask him.

“Shall I make us some lunch, sweetheart?” She finally plucked up the courage to take a few steps into her kitchen. She ran her hand lightly across his broad shoulders causing Chris to look up and take stock of his surroundings again.

“Yeh, that’d be nice, thanks.” He pulled a stool out and sat down. “Sorry if you could hear me shouting. It’s just some stuff with work but it’s fine now.” It was sweet that he was trying to make her feel better as though he himself had done something wrong.

“I didn’t hear you so don’t worry. Glad it’s fine now, though. Ham and cheese OK?” She asked, a broad smile painted across her face that only grew wider when he nodded back at her. “Also, Scott and Shanna were going to cook some dinner later on tonight so we could pop over if you like? Save us cooking here again.”

He would very much like to head over to his sister’s apartment. That way lied harmony and he could relax in calmer surroundings and spend time with the people he loved the most. This press nonsense could wait another day. If it was going to happen regardless of his intervention, why even bother stressing about it in the first place?

It wasn’t much of a surprise to find Shanna’s kitchen a total mess when they arrived later that afternoon. Despite the comforting smell of fried onions and garlic that greeted them from the hallway, the physical view of her kitchen provided an altogether different experience. A stack of unwashed pans and remnants of chopped tomatoes and leeks spread out across the counter surface and what Scott had actually meant when he said he was also going to be helping with the cooking was that he would stir the Bolognese for half an hour and check the garlic bread hadn’t burned. Other than that, Shanna appeared to have built some kind of living art installation.

The four were seated around the table, a second bottle of wine down, and gabbing about sports and nothing in particular. Chris’ quietness had not gone completely unnoticed with Scott and his mother sharing a few glances as the evening wore on.

“Is Sarah staying at work for a while, then?” asked Lisa, picking at the final slice of garlic bread after her children had decimated the rest of it.

“Yeh, I think so. It’s been a bit up and down lately after the crash and I know she’s keen to muck in as much as she can now before she goes away.” offered Shanna.

Chris’s ears perked up. “Away? What do you mean?”

“Oh crap.” Shanna banged her hand on her forehead. “Um, OK, this isn’t common knowledge and I didn’t tell you guys this but she’s possibly heading back to college to train to become a doctor.”

“Really?” Scott dropped his fork on his plate causing a loud clang that reverberated around the kitchen. “Well, good for her. She’d be an ace doctor. She looks great in scrubs and I know for a fact she handles drunk people exceptionally well.”

Shanna rolled her eyes at Scott. “She actually has the exam in New York next week and if she passes that, who knows? I can’t really tell if she’s excited or not but her parents don’t know so please don’t mention anything to them…” Shanna looked across the table at her mother whose eyes widened in response to the insinuation.

“If she gets back into college, will she stay here to train or move or what?” asked Chris trying his hardest to keep a rising level of confusion at this new information to a minimum.

Shanna merely shrugged non-committedly and he felt his frustration with his sister boil close to the surface. “I can’t see her moving or if she does then it’d be more of a commute. Like, a couple of days there and here or whatever.”

“She likes living in Boston, doesn’t she? And I imagine it would be harder for her folks to visit if she lived in New York full time.” Scott offered, some logic that Chris was grateful for. “Jocelyn hates busy cities. She would hate New York for sure.”

“Lincoln is a teaching hospital, right?” Chris asked, his tone more urgent than he’d intended. “I mean, she could train here? There’d be no problem with that. I’m sure they wouldn’t wanna lose her.”

“Well, selfishly I hope she doesn’t move ‘cos who’s gonna look after your sorry ass?” Scott needled his sister with his elbow and was rewarded with a slap on his shoulder. “Or if she does move full time it means we have a party base in the city again!”

“Oh yes I’m sure she would love you rocking up at her home at all hours of the goddamn morning.” Lisa remarked. “When is her exam, honey?”

“Thursday. She’s staying at a hotel in town a few days before to swot up on some notes that Greg lent her. He rocked up with a frickin’ suitcase the other night. Just books and books of the stuff.”

“What’s he getting out of this?” Chris asked. It was not the first time talk of Greg had ruined his day and now on top of that he was starting to feel distrusting of the interest he appeared to show in her future. He especially didn’t like the knowing look he caught his family give to each other either. “Oh c’mon. He’s not her type, really. She’s said as much herself.”

“Yehhh, but he’s super cute and have you seen his car?” Scott asked, pouring another glass of wine for himself. “He reminds me of, fuck, what’s that actor’s name again? The guy from _Sons of Anarchy_ but with darker hair…”

Chris threw him a puzzled look before dismissing his comments with a wave of his hand. “Sarah’s not like that. She’s not into trivial stuff.”

“No, I know, but he’s also stable. I mean, he’s ambitious to a fault, sure, but he knows exactly what he wants and where he’s going.” Scott reasoned. “That could be good for her. I think we can all agree that this stuff with Charlotte left its mark and maybe she’s wanting to try something different? Find a bit of stability? Y’know, settle down a bit or whatever.”

“Since when did you become an expert?” Shanna spoke up. Chris was glad somebody else said it but was less glad when she laughed a second later. She nodded, evidently in agreement with his rationale.

The room fell quiet again as they finished what was left of their dinner. Chris was feeling the dread borne from this morning’s conversations now manifesting itself in the very bottom of his stomach. He regretted coming now. He should have stayed at home and gotten drunk by himself. It would have felt a whole lot nicer than what he was experiencing now.

He swirled what was left of his wine around his glass before downing it and reaching for the bottle. Just as he poured, the front door went and in walked Sarah surprisingly fresh-faced and smiling upon catching the clan sat peacefully around the kitchen table.

“Hey!” she exclaimed, happy to see them all. She walked over to the hob to smell what was left in the pan before catching sight of them staring at her. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Nothing honey. Ignore them. How was your day?” Lisa started, breaking the silence.

“The usual. I did, however, manage to separate a grown man from a Tonka truck he had glued to his hand.”

“The fuck?” Scott quizzed almost choking on his food and turning around in his chair to face her. “I swear, you have _the best job_ I have ever heard of.”

“Hmm true story. He was making some kind of art display and held on to it for too long. Took us an hour and a tonne of olive oil from the cafeteria to free him.”

Sarah glanced between Scott and his mother laughing before clocking Chris, stony-faced and not quite making eye-contact. She left her eyes on him a little longer than she was usually comfortable with in these settings but he didn’t budge. Shanna eventually grabbed her attention by handing her a bowl of pasta that she gratefully accepted with a “yummy” and grabbed a seat at the table.

Lisa left a little over an hour later but Chris and Scott remained loitering around the kitchen and the lounge. Scott was helping to wash up alongside Sarah when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she emerged, she nearly ran full-on into Chris.

“Sorry.” He said, shifting to the side so she could move by him.

“It’s OK.” She moved further out of the way so he could walk in behind her. “Are you OK? You’ve barely said a word all evening.”

He glanced back at her, trying to play down his obvious discomfort. “Yeh, fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

He closed the door behind him leaving her in the hallway at a loss as to the reason for his agitation. She could hear Shanna and Scott making a mess of what was left of the washing up, the TV volume a little louder now in anticipation for _Drag Race_ , and she retreated into her bedroom to fold away some of her clothes that Shanna had left on her bed from their washing that day.

Chris lingered in the hallway wanting to avoid the loud shrieking now coming from the kitchen before heading towards Sarah’s bedroom. She hadn’t noticed he was there so he allowed himself to watch her, smiling to himself when he heard her hum a tune under her breath. It sounded like ‘Beat It’ only slower. He never figured her as a Michael Jackson fan. Truth be told, he didn’t know all that much about her musical tastes other than making fun of the fact that she cried at a Pixies concert some years earlier.

He viewed the couple of photographs adorning the wall, one of a family gathering, one of her and Shanna graduating, before resting on the Steve McCurry print she’d bought at the exhibition. That felt like a lifetime ago now. So much had happened since but he still clearly remembered the shit he had given her at the time. All she was trying to do, he now realised, was get some answers for herself. She wanted to put to bed all of the questions she had had since she was young, questions that might offer answers for who she was as a person. Isn’t that what everyone wants?

He liked Jocelyn and Noah, they all did, they were great people, but she wasn’t a part of them physically. There was something growing somewhere in the back of her mind and as she grew older and wiser, as time moved on, she increasingly felt the differences between them. She had once tried explaining it to him, that it was like a tree and an acorn; no matter what beautiful and wonderful branches and leaves grow from it, it always comes from something small at the very beginning. The acorn directs everything that follows. He couldn’t properly understand it at the time - why would he, he had had an easy life thus far – but as he watched her shuffle around in her closet, humming to herself quietly and in her own little world, he understood that what she longed for, that all anyone ever longed for, was to feel like she belonged somewhere.

He could hear Scott and Shanna joking around in the kitchen, no cares in the world, and knew he had it lucky. Despite crap from this morning still ruminating in the back of his mind, a slight unease at what might find its way into the press over the next few weeks, it was small-fry compared to the real, honest problems normal people experienced in their lives. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe Scott was right. Maybe she just wanted some stability after all, and that realisation was stirring something uncomfortable that he couldn’t name inside him.

“Hey, you OK?” she asked and he realised she had been staring at him for god knows how long. All sorts of thoughts flew through his mind in quick succession but he didn’t immediately know how to respond to such an apparently straight-forward question.

“Yeh,” he responded, clocking how unsure he sounded. “I mean, I’m good. You?”

“Yeh, I’m OK.” She smiled at him and he instantly felt better, waves of stress just ebbing away. He wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug but he knew she wouldn’t feel comfortable with his family so close by and liable to walk in at any moment so he settled instead for smiling warmly back at her and handing over some folded towels from off her bed.

A couple of moments dragged by before she decided to break the awkward silence. “I know I said I would make it up to you but work’s been busier than usual and I’ve had to cover shifts for a couple of guys as well. Michael’s ill so Audrey’s been playing nurse at home.”

He leaned back on the side of her chest of drawers and nodded slowly. He was biting the inside of his cheek and she recognised his face from when he’d shown irritation towards Shanna. He was clearly contemplating something.

“Well, you can make it up to me now if you want?” he offered, arms folded, posing an interesting predicament. He noticed the confusion cross her face and chuckled to himself. “No, not that, not with…I just meant you could do me a favour now. If you wanted to.”

Sarah looked perplexed but Chris didn’t move. He didn’t immediately offer any answer to his question so she didn’t know what he was aiming for. She left the closet and re-entered her bedroom, taking up a stance a couple of feet in front of him. Even leaning back against her cabinet, he remained a good couple of inches taller than her.

“Shanna said something earlier and we promised not to bring it up with you ‘cos apparently it’s supposed to be some big secret,” he started, noting the hint verbal aggression and thinking better of it, “but are you leaving Boston?’

“What?” She asked, stunned. She never anticipated that _this_ was where he was going.

“She said you’re heading back to college and that you might consider starting up your doctoral training again, and… I don’t know.” He was losing confidence with every passing word. “It just sounded like it was a done deal is all.”

She oscillated between feeling annoyed that Shanna had revealed her plan to re-take her MD exam, and concern that they all assumed she was suddenly wanting to leave town. As if it would be _that_ easy to do so.

“No, I’m not leaving Boston. My God.” She rubbed her hand across her forehead in frustration. “I am taking the exam, yes, but I haven’t figured anything else out beyond that. Honest.”

He didn’t seem altogether convinced of her response but time was passing by and the noise had died down from the kitchen so it looked like he would just have to accept whatever she was giving him. He had hundreds of questions, many far away from being appropriate, but the sincere look on her face did some of the work for him.

“It was only an idea. I tried it before and maybe, if it works out again, it could be something different for me to focus on.” She continued. Scott has been right about one thing at least.

“If you pass, you could always train at Lincoln, though, right?” he asked quietly. He sounded like a child asking his parents if they were still going to be friends once they divorced and he hated himself for it.

She shrugged, not having immediate answers that might make him relax a little more. He was clearly struggling with something. “I guess. I mean, I honestly have not thought about it beyond the exam. I have a lot of studying to do as well so I might not even pass it.”

“Yeh, she said Greg gave you some magazines or something.”

“Oh, good, so you’ve got the whole story, then.” Her tone validated the sarcasm behind her words. “Look, this is all so far into the future now and really, who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? But I promise that I will tell you guys everything once I know whatever the fuck it is I am thinking about.”

Selfishly, he wasn’t thinking of his family, or her family, or even her colleagues for that matter. He just wanted to know where she was going to be one month from now. Or, hell, even a year, and whether or not she would be open to him visiting her. Visiting her new apartment in Brooklyn. Or Greenwich. He could imagine her in Greenwich. It was greener and she could go for a run in the park every morning and they could grab a coffee on their way back home. He could walk her to work and wave her off and then spend all day lounging around her apartment reading the newspapers, waiting for her to come home again. One thing he had gotten used to was enjoying his quiet time a lot more when she was around. He wasn’t quite ready to give that up.

“Guys?” shouted Scott from the lounge. “It’s starting!”

“What’s starting?” he asked Sarah.

“ _Drag Race_ , I think,” she responded, biting her lower lip and knowing exactly how he was going to feel about that.

“Oh fucking hell.” He threw his head back and laughed before resting his eyes back on her. “Alright. Let’s get this over with.”

*


	17. Chapter Fifteen: Part Two*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: 18+ NSFW, strong language, generally a bit awkward
> 
> This is a long chapter, sorry. Any comments welcome, good and bad.

“Let me just bring up your booking here, one moment please,”

The lobby of The Langham was an ocean of grey and blue. The sun was shining brightly outside, the hottest day of the year so far, and it reflected in every surface of the space and accompanying bar. It was sparse on the usual detailing, instead preferring a minimalist approach; the check-in desk consisted of a mere iPad and one lily artfully growing from a tall, geometrical glass vase. Random art hung from all sides. One looked vaguely like a donkey, Sarah was sure. There was also what she thought was an ash tray balanced on a pillar to the left of where she was standing but she didn’t dare to investigate it any closer in case it cost the price of a small car.

It had the same over-perfumed odour as the fragrance section of a Macy’s. The tiled floor looked so clean and fresh you could be forgiven for thinking it had only just been laid that very morning. Sarah felt a pang of guilt walking in wearing her scuffed Converse. She always felt so out of place in places like this. It was the kind of place she would run a mile from if she had the choice but Greg had an “in” with the manager and now here she was.

“So, that will be four nights in our Executive Suite with Central Park view. You also have the bar allowance of $150 per night. You just need to take the elevator up to the 32nd floor and it’s the second door on your left. Would you like a hand with your bags, madam?” She motioned for the concierge to come over but held her hand up when she spied the puzzled look on Sarah’s face.

“I’m really sorry but I think there has been some kind of mistake. I didn’t book a suite, just a standard double and I don’t think I pre-paid for any bar allowance. I didn’t even know I could do that to be honest.” Sarah chuckled awkwardly in an attempt to diffuse the tension but it fell on deaf ears. She handed the key card back to the lady, unsure of what else to suggest.

The lady showed practically no emotion at the possible mistake and simply took another look at her records before confirming that she was in fact correct with the initial room choice. “It’s definitely your suite, and…everything is paid for in advance. Could it have been made on your behalf? It looks like it was upgraded yesterday afternoon.”

Sarah wasn’t sure if she was asking her a question or telling her. She couldn’t believe she wasn’t biting her hand off but she hoped she hadn’t made some kind of horrific error her bank wouldn’t forgive her for. She could barely afford the double room she’d booked as it was and she’s sure the college wouldn’t have upgraded her without letting her know in advance. It made zero sense. They couldn’t have that kind of money going spare, putting students up in posh suites. She had no clue what could have happened.

Unless…Chris?

No, it wouldn’t be. He was less than pleased to hear she’d be away as it was. Except…well, who else? Sarah rolled her eyes a little too obviously before accepting the key card back. “That’s OK. I think I know what’s happened. It’s only the one bag. I can manage it.”

The lady nodded her thanks and, smiling politely, pointed her back towards the elevators. Sarah couldn’t move away from her fast enough.

Arriving at her floor, Sarah emerged from the lift expecting someone to come running up to her to confirm that they had in fact made a horrendous mistake. She slipped the key card into her door before pushing her way in to find her new home for the week.

The bedroom was large, uncomfortably so, with the bed positioned just off the middle in the room. Sarah figured the designer for a psychopath. It was big but not as empty as the lobby would have had her believe. In fact, it seemed reassuringly cosy despite the windows, so many windows stretching around the suite. There was a soft blue curved sofa opposite a screen that she’d seen smaller versions of in a cinema. Cushions fucking everywhere and fluffy white slippers she’d probably never take off again.

Everything seemed to be controlled from an iPad set in a stand by the bedroom door; the lights, the curtains, the air freshener, some background music for ambiance if she wanted. The windows tinted darker to block out the sunlight. Even the $1300 coffee machine was remote controlled; she had recognised it from the last edition of _Home & Country _Jocelyn had mailed to her, the exact one Shanna had been dropping hints about to Chris as a potential Christmas present.

The lounge offered her the clearest view of Central Park and with the light at this time in the afternoon, it was beyond stunning. She snapped a picture and considered texting it to Shanna but thought better of drawing attention to where she was staying. There was no way she could pass this off as a standard room even with her best efforts.

It was almost a shame to waste all of this on just herself. This room deserved romance, she thought.

Around the same time, Chris was on his third beer of the afternoon and lounging on his sofa. He had a new script in hand, one he wasn’t particularly keen on but offered to read as a favour for a friend. He was so relaxed now that he had to re-read the last ten or so pages simply because it wasn’t landing. The whole room was lit softly by the sun outside. It had gone 4 o’clock when his phone rang disturbing the peace.

“Bernette! How was the journey?” he smiled into the phone as soon as he saw who it was.

“The bath _tub_ is the size of my entire bathroom.” She announced, not giving him room to breathe. She heard him laugh heartily at the end of the line and could picture him looking smug and proud of himself, the dick. “I could have an orgy with the Patriots and still have room left.”

“Hey, don’t go getting any ideas,” he jostled with her. He placed the script down on the table to give her his full attention. “So, you like it, huh?”

“It’s…it’s absolutely gorgeous and utterly ridiculous. Seriously, dude, you did not need to do this.” She could sense his growing pride from here. “I’ve never stayed in anything like it. I have, like, a hundred towels.”

“That’s why I did it in the first place. Not for the towels, obviously, but just because you deserved something different. Something nice.” He enthused. “Don’t fight me on this, Bernette.”

“You should see the view. It’s so beautiful. I think I can see the museum.” She was stood on her tiptoes, pressed fully against the glass, looking at the tiny people milling around on the street so far below her.

“I know,” he responded, “You’ll be there for a week and best to be comfortable, right?”

She didn’t want to argue with him. She was tired and extremely grateful for the kind gesture. She’d be able to enjoy the place and her time in the City more if she could firmly separate her work from any space in which she could chill out. It wasn’t like she was going to be raving all night nor have much chance to see places at this rate, so more space was probably a good thing. She hadn’t had an unbroken night’s sleep in…she couldn’t even remember when.

“Thank you, Chris.” She spoke softly after a brief pause.

“You’re welcome.”

She put her phone down on the bedside table and set about removing her clothes from her suitcase. Well, “clothes” in the loose sense. What she’d packed was basically gym gear, sweat pants, t-shirts, nothing remotely attractive, and a simple pair of black trousers for the exam day itself. Who was going to see her anyway? Shanna had thrown a jumper in the mix without her realising, dismayed at her insistence that she was not going out to bars to hook up with someone.

“But you’ll be gone the next day! It’s. The. Perfect. Crime!” Shanna had said, exasperated and throwing her hands in the air in dismay.

The majority of space in her suitcase had been taken up with journals and textbooks, ones she hadn’t seen since she left medical school and had long since expected she would never see again. Funny what opportunities life threw at you when you least expected it.

She was soon feeling the push and pull of the day but had planned on spending at least a couple of hours studying that evening, so she had a clean-up and threw on the first set of sweatpants that fell out of the closet. She tied her hair up and out of her face, pulled out her notepad and switched her Macbook on. The TV was showing some repeat of a gameshow with the sound on low, more for background company than anything else, and she finally figured out how to get the coffee machine working thanks to a small tome buried inside a drawer underneath the coffee table.

_Chris 9.44pm: All OK? Need company yet??_

_Sarah 9.45pm: I love you guys bt I can’t tell u how amazing it is having space to myself. Been a looooong day_

_Chris 9.51pm: ah_

_Chris 9.52pm: OK maybe don’t look outside your door_

Momentarily confused, she rubbed at her eyes trying to come up with a pithy response.

_Chris 9.56pm: Well this is awkward………._

Sarah looked at her door and then back at her phone. Looking up at the door again, she unfolded her feet from underneath her and slowly walked towards it. Pulling it open, she found Chris looking up at her through his lashes, sheepishness drenching his entire body.

“OK, funny story,” he said. “but I thought this might be romantic and then I got carried away and now I’m here and I can _absolutely go_ if you need me to...?” He half-turned his body in the direction of the elevators. “I’m so sorry, honey. I just thought it might be nice and not at all annoying but it’s annoying, isn’t it? It’s OK, you don’t need to say anything. Dammit, I really thought I pitched this right.”

“Chris, it’s fine.” She finally found her voice to speak. “Honestly. I’m…I’m just really surprised is all. I was not expecting you to…drive? All this way?”

He nodded. “Yeh, I just bombed it down the ’95.”

Awkward silence fell between them as they stared at each other unsure of what to do next. Finally picking up on the fact he remained in the hallway, a backpack thrown over his shoulder, she moved out of the way and he entered the suite. Relieved, he placed his bag down and turned to see her close the door behind him. He looked mildly embarrassed and she was all too aware she wasn’t welcoming but it was getting late and her eyes had started to hurt a little as she rubbed at them with the back of her hand.

“Fuck, that’s a long couch.” He announced, taking his black suede jacket off and placing it over the armrest nearest to him. He glanced over and saw papers strewn over the coffee table, her laptop light blaring brightly and looked back to her. She was working hard and he had ruined it.

“I am so sorry. First thing tomorrow, I’ll go home, I promise.” He held his hands up by way of an apology but she shook her head in response.

“Stop apologising.” She chuckled. “Do you want a beer?”

He nodded gratefully and looked so adorable that any annoyance she might have felt finally dissipated. “How about I give you a hug and then leave you to it? I need a shower and I can amuse myself in there for a little while. I don’t know why I just said that.”

Sarah laughed again and a little more relief moved through him. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so nervous when he had been so confident of his decisions in the car all the way here. He’d rehearsed his lines and imagined her big smile when seeing him behind the door. He had wanted to stop off and buy flowers but he was so eager to see her, he’d just kept driving. No daydream could live up to the reality of seeing her face up close.

*

He watched her from the bathroom doorway. She was cross-legged on the bed, studying the thickest textbook he’d ever seen with colour-coded notecards laid out across the duvet. He had earlier glimpsed a page over her shoulder but decided against pursuing medicine as a new career when he was faced with photographs of god knows what. He tried to remove the images from his mind by drinking more beer and thinking of Sarah in her scrubs. That tended to work well for him these days.

She looked so cute sat on the bed, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose. He wanted to come up with a joke, calm the tension a little that had grown between them in the meantime, but she looked pretty hot. More hot than usual and it was distracting. Like a sexy Librarian and for the second time this month he discovered something else he was into.

One pen was stuck behind her ear but she’d forgotten she’d put it there and was now using a different one. Her hair was tied up at the top of her head in a messy bun that she hadn’t touched since she’d arrived, more and more strands falling loosely around her as the evening wore on, framing her perfect, round face. She had finally changed into pyjamas and was wearing blue shorts he had grown especially fond of. She seemed so engrossed in what she was doing.

He was still a little wet from his shower and pondered whether she would notice if he just whipped his towel off and offered himself to her. There really wasn’t anything he wanted more at this moment in time than to have her touch him, to have her run her hands gently over his chest, to tease him a little bit. There’d be some time, he reasoned, and right now it was just as exhilarating to think of her being here alongside him knowing it would be just the two of them for a little while.

He perched on the end of the bed in front of her. She barely moved, barely seemed to notice him. He took one of her blank notecards and carefully placed it on the open page so as not to lose her place. She leaned back slightly, allowing him to gather up the papers and place them in a pile on the floor besides the bed before turning back to lean in towards her, one arm stretching out across her legs. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes again. She wanted peace and quiet and he decided to rock up just because he could. He sighed to himself. He was such a dick sometimes.

“Do you mind me being here?” he asked her, fully resigning himself to leaving if she now asked him to as hard as that might be. He’d got so caught up in his idea of surprising her that he hadn’t fully registered just how important these exams were or how well she had wanted to do. Passing them wasn’t an option for Sarah; she wanted to knock it out of the park. She wanted to do better for herself and the more he got to know her like this, the more it became his favourite thing about her. And he related. He related perfectly. He knew exactly what that was like. “’Cos I can go if you need me to.”

“Chris, I’ve said it’s fine. It’s nice that you’re here. I would just hate you feeling bored if all I’m doing is studying all the time.” She nervously twirled the pen between her fingers while taking in how amazing he looked following a shower, a little steam rising off his skin.

“I won’t get bored.” He assured her. “It’ll be nice hanging out with you. Just the two of us.”

He plucked the pen from behind her ears and she rolled her eyes realising the mistake she’d made. He tucked strands of hair back and leaned in placing a quick, soft kiss to her lips. He smelled like her coconut shampoo and she just now understood how truly spontaneous his trip had been.

“Listen, there’s another reason why I’m here. There’s something I need to talk to you about and I couldn’t wait until you got home.” He stroked her arm gently, looking down into her lap. “It’s been going around in my head and I’m not entirely sure what to say about it to be honest, but…it looks like Jenny’s done an interview with a magazine. A full thing with a photoshoot and stuff and it looks like I might be involved.” He closed his eyes for a second before correcting himself. “Not might actually, it’s pretty much definite that I’m in there for a large portion of it.”

“OK,” Sarah nodded. He for sure seemed weary of the whole thing and she felt for him.

“I just, I know that she can be pretty unfiltered at the best of times, so-”

“-but she won’t have said anything negative, right?”

“No, no, not negative. I’m not worried about that exactly. It’s just that…” He was struggling to find the words. “I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about us, about me and her. I expect she’ll have this hyper-romanticized view of things and I guess I didn’t want you thinking it was some great love affair which is what I think she’ll spin it as.” He couldn’t quite meet her eye while he was talking. “I’m not proud of myself or of what I said or did at the time but I was low and she was there and it was…easy, I guess.”

He immediately regretted his choice of words. As much as he wanted Sarah to understand, he didn’t want Sarah to think he was dismissive of his relationships in this way. “Matt’s figuring out some damage control with them. Hopefully, it’ll go away as quickly as it comes.”

“You think he’ll be able to clear it up?”

Chris nodded. Matt was a formidable guy and he was assured things would look and read much better by the time it went to print. He placed his hand on her thigh and it was only now she registered just how close he was to surrounding her. “I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve all too often but when I do, they know about it. I want to make them aware of exactly how I feel about them, and I didn’t do that with her.” He dipped his head to catch her eye line. “So, when I do something for someone, it means something, y’know?”

“Yeh, of course. You’re a good guy, Chris. Everyone knows that.” She took his hand and lightly interlocked their fingers together.

“I guess I just didn’t want you worrying about her ‘cos there’s absolutely nothing there for me. Never has been.”

“You don’t need to explain this to me, I’m not going to hold anything against you,” She stroked his chin with her thumb and felt him relax into her hand. He glanced down at the mess he’d made on the floor and started picking a few things back up.

“How much left do you have to do tonight?” He whispered as his lips closed upon hers for a fleeting moment.

“I could do with finishing some notes but…half an hour, maybe?”

“I’ll hold you to that.” He kissed her again and got up from the bed, lifting her books back on top. “Just come get me when you’re done, yeh?”

*

Finishing up in the bathroom, Sarah switched off the light and moved towards the bed. She kneeled alongside Chris who was lying flat out, naked except for the duvet bunched across his legs, reading what she assumed was the hotel magazine only to find upon closer inspection that it was in fact one of her medical journals. She giggled as she grabbed the moisturiser from the bedside table and began rubbing a small amount up and down her arms, regarding him as his nose creased up in apparent disgust at something he’d just read.

“Did you know the body has ten times more microorganisms living in it than actual human cells?! That’s bacteria, Sarah. Living, gross bacteria. All over us.” he looked at her, shock and horror crossing his fine, perfect features. She wasn’t sure whether to pat him on the head or laugh.

“It’s mostly good bacteria, though. Only, like, 1% of it is bad for us.”

“And when exactly were you going to tell me about this?!”

She creased up laughing and flopped on to her side next to him. “It’s all information that’s out there for the world to see. Remind me not to tell you about eyelashes.”

“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever removed from somebody’s ass?” he asked.

“What? Why is that always a question people want an answer to?”

“I don’t know. It’s just weird. Humans are weird.” He muttered, turning back to the pages in front of him. She was glad he had chosen one without pictures. That was the last thing she wanted to see before falling asleep.

“So, have you learned something new?” she asked, curling her legs under the duvet.

“I have. I think you should test me and if I get a question wrong, you can do whatever you like to me. Deal?” he asked, smirking. She shyly smiled and he tossed the book onto the floor. “Hi.”

“Hi.” She repeated. She watched as his eyes slowly travelled down her body. It was unreasonable how much he managed to disarm her with only a look. 

His hand reached out to gently caress the side of her thigh, nudging the duvet slightly down before moving back up to her hip, a ticklish area he’d picked up on the last time they were together. He leaned in and kissed her on the side of her jaw, so feather-like and soft she barely felt it if not for his warm breath she could feel on her neck.

“You smell nice.” he whispered, looking at her from underneath his eyelashes. “We could have showered together, y’know? Save the planet?”

As much as she was getting used to the little things he would do when they were alone, rubbing her arm, tucking hair behind her ears, saying nice things about how pretty she looked, having him here in such close proximity with no one else around to distract them or force them into the light… it was getting risky. Not that Chris ever pushed her, mind. He’d been nothing but respectful and understanding and she was grateful for that but also growing concerned he was perhaps getting a little…bored. Why else would he drive over state lines to see her. None of this was normal and the more time went by, the more she became fretful of what they were doing.

“What are you thinking about?” he kissed her shoulder. “Is it dirty? If it’s dirty, I wanna know about it.”

Sarah smiled and placed her hand on the side of his face, running her fingers gently over his beard. He’d thoroughly given up shaving but she liked how soft it still felt under her finger tips and judging by the breath he released as he closed his eyes, so did he, relaxing into her hand. He kissed her again. She was hoping he’d take charge so she could put off talking to him a little longer but instead, he refrained from pushing them any further and leaned back a little, looking into her eyes. “Talk to me.”

She could feel his hand move slowly and deliberately up her arm until he reached the back of her neck, his fingers playing with the loose strands of hair that fallen from her messy bun. There was no getting away from this.

“You know you can tell me anything, right? It’s OK for you to tell me what you want.” She could feel his breath on her skin, his voice low and rough. His fingers moved again and she felt them touch her lips, one of them running back and forth over her lower lip until she parted them ever so slightly and his finger softly dipped inside her mouth. He seemed to like that and kissed her again, a little harder this time.

“Just keep kissing me.” she whispered, relieved that she finally got some words out.

He smiled at her, satisfied with her response, and kissed her again. Slow, wet, a kind of kiss that was full of promise of what he wanted to do and it made her whole body thrum with anticipation.

One hand now resting on the bed beside her and the other moved from her cheek back down to her thigh. She was frozen to the spot, this man focussed on her so intently, prepared to give her whatever she asked for, whatever she needed, expressing so much in a kiss that she didn’t register when his hand began moving slowly, grazing a finger ever so slightly over the waistline of her shorts.

“…And what else?”

A little more, he moved his hand until his fingers dipped inside her underwear until he felt her skin, hot to the touch. She broke the kiss momentarily to let out a breath, one hand resting on the back of his neck for leverage as he continued tenderly moving his fingers until he got to where he wanted to be. Feeling her wet for him seemed to spark something inside and she felt him push her carefully until she was lying back on the bed, head just off the pillow, and he leaned over her. He adjusted his hand ever so slightly until she could feel his fingers pressing at her entrance before moving in small circular motions, riling her up.

“Look at me, honey.” he whispered, his voice rough and turned on as he watched her grabbing at the covers as he stroked her. She tried to but she couldn’t stop her eyes from closing again, zoned out with only his smooth and confident movements to focus on. It was almost getting too much with him hitting her at just the right spot for her to lose herself completely when, just like that, he pulled his hand away and grabbed both sides of her underwear to pull them down and off her legs. The next thing she remembered was the feel of him skilfully grabbing her from underneath her thighs, his tongue swiftly taking over.

It didn’t take long for her to feel like she was coming undone and him feeling proud of himself. She couldn’t fight it and with one arm draped across her lower tummy, he certainly had no intention of letting her get away. Any feelings of awkwardness were soon a thing of the past as she let the gentle, unbridled bliss he was giving her wash over her completely. She honestly couldn’t remember ever feeling anything like this before, she was so out of it. He was covering her completely, her wetness mixing with his own, his beard rubbing against her smooth skin adding another level of pleasure. 

She ran her fingers through his hair, messing it up. His tongue hit her clit again and again, causing her to give him a short, sharp pull. His groan was so filthy and deep from within him, she felt it reverberate through her, raising goose bumps up and down her skin.

He wanted her on the edge as much as he felt he was. He wanted her to want him, to tell him exactly what she wanted him to do. He wanted her on fire. He wanted to hear her beg.

Just as she was on the edge for a second time, he stopped and blew softly across her wisps of hair. He chuckled when he heard what sounded like a quiet yet frustrated groan leave her lips, followed by a chuckle, something innocent and familiar. Her hands loosened from his hair as they stared into each other’s eyes, their mutual breathlessness the only sound they could hear.

“Does that feel good?” he whispered, the breath from his words scorching her skin. He moved his tongue just a little lower, not breaking eye contact, and she felt him dip ever so slightly inside of her, his arm wrapped around her thigh and the pad of his thumb taking care of the rest. He did this a second time, then a third, and when he returned to pressing his tongue over her clit, drawing her into his mouth, she was soon grabbing at him in any way she could in a futile attempt to take the edge off the orgasm that was coming at her like a freight train.

She was close. He knew she was so close now and he held his arms tightly around her to keep her close to him. One more swipe of his tongue right… there…and she was gone.

When her breathing evened out, she slowly opened her eyes to see him move up and over her, placing soft, wet kisses on her hip, her tummy, her neck, and finally on her lips. He seemed cautious to kiss her, unsure of whether she wanted him to but she grabbed his face with both hands to pull him back down to her, kissing him as passionately as she could manage with what felt like no energy. She could taste herself and it was so much more erotic than she could ever have imagined.

She felt him smile into the kiss as he carefully settled his body on top of hers, allowing her to wrap her legs around him. He moved the hair that was sticking to her forehead and stroked her face with one finger, gently mapping her eye and her nose and her cheek. She couldn’t reconcile this being the same man who had minutes earlier been so dominant. He had so clearly wanted to say something at that point if only his hardness hadn’t been so distracting. He moved one arm under her neck, using the other hand to move hair from where it had clung to the side of her face. Holding her as close to him as possible and feeling blissful when he felt her legs wrap around his own, he entered her and held still, enjoying the moment.

“We should’ve done this years ago,” he spoke and for a brief moment, without realising, she was pulled from their intimacy, a pang of guilt taking its place.

He was too busy pushing into her, needing whatever she had left to give him. He grabbed at the back of her neck to keep her in place, his face buried in her hair. She felt her skin heat up all over from his breath as he panted at her side. It was more frantic than he’d wanted it to be as he groaned and moaned and pushed his whole weight into her with force. It was really all she could do to just hang on to him as he fucked her deeper, as he surged towards his own orgasm, then letting go when she felt him shudder inside her minutes later. He sounded helpless and as much as he tried to hold himself up from collapsing on her, he soon gave up trying and laid his head on her shoulder.

His warm breath continued covering her skin as she ran her hand gently over the back of his head. She felt him chuckle a vibration into the top of her arm before a wet kiss landed just underneath her ear, a place he had deigned his own after he realised how sensitive she was on that particular spot.

Finally rolling off her to lie on his back, he kept his arm stretched across her lower tummy and rubbed his fingers across the apex of her thigh. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed in this position but at some point he leaned over her to turn the bedside light off plunging the room into complete darkness and they continued to lie there in silence not really sure if the other was asleep or not.

He eventually turned onto his side to face her, keeping a firm grip on her waist. He was across her pillow and she could practically feel the flutter of his eyelashes as he watched her in the dark, a soft outline gradually appearing as his eyes adjusted to the blackness of the room, making out her features. She felt his hand move up and down her ribcage and over the inside of her elbow, another sensitive spot that made her shudder and him chuckle again when he realised she was in fact still awake.

She turned onto her side to face him and his hand moved to her lower back where it finally rested over her hip. She pushed her leg in between his and he seemed content and comfortable in how they were existing in this space, both aware they didn’t have to worry about getting up any time soon. He was running his fingers up and down her spine in slow, circular motions and it felt wonderful. Too wonderful. And there was that guilt again.

“What will you do tomorrow?” she asked.

He took a deep breath in contemplation at her unexpected question. “Gym looks pretty good. I have a book and a couple of scripts, too. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

“I know,” she murmured but he knew she was dwelling on something.

“I wanna be here for you if you need anything and if you don’t, you won’t even know I’m around. I promise.”

“I know that, too.”

She could sense him smile at her even in their dark. “Good.” He said. “It feels nice knowing I’ve made a good decision for a change.”

*


	18. Chapter Fifteen: Part Three*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: language, suggestive sexuality, and as always, some good ol' angst.
> 
> Thanks for stopping by :)

She woke up earlier than him.

It was half six when she stepped into the shower having given up on her sleep. It had been a hot, rather uncomfortable night and the aircon barely broke a chill through the suite.

It was taking some getting used to, this sharing a bed, especially with someone who insisted on snuggling into the back of her. Sarah wasn’t much of a cuddler and Chris knew this. She would much rather wrap herself up in blankets and drift off to sleep but it didn’t stop him from slowly inching his body towards her throughout the night. It was a case of putting up with it for fear of falling off the end and breaking something.

She barely moved under the shower head and allowed the water to rain down on her skin and hopefully liven her up for the day. She was anxious, more anxious than she anticipated she would be. She was always able to keep her cool under test conditions, probably why she became a nurse in the first place, but something about this particular exam was hitting differently and she wasn’t sure why.

She eventually got dressed and went back into the bedroom to sort her hair. He would be annoyed she’d woken up before him now that he had decided he was single-handedly responsible for all of her breakfast needs that week. Admittedly, though, it felt nice being looked after in this way. Really, really nice. It was like having her own PA.

He was sleeping flat on his stomach, one leg poking out from underneath the covers. He had wrapped his arms around a pillow and his low snore was rumbling through the warm air in the room. It was confusing how anyone could find that position comfortable and not wake up having lost all feeling down one side of his body. His back muscles were relaxed but still resembled something Michelangelo would have considered painting. He was, in all honesty, a ridiculous specimen of a man. A man that had told her he wanted her to get some good rest and sleep as much as possible. Who had closed her textbooks, ran her a hot bath, and climbed in behind her to massage her shoulders. Potential lingered in the air last night but he was going to stick to his word and not get in the way of her work. He told her he was glad he was with her and happily settled for stroking her hair as she fell asleep. Her head was lying on his chest but when she heard his heartbeat settle and his arms loosen around her, she softly rolled away from him like he knew she inevitably would.

At various times, they found themselves getting into a very comfortable and, dare she say it, enjoyable routine. It was surprisingly easy to do so when the door was locked. He had used the hotel gym to give her some peace for a few hours each morning. He had kept her fed and hydrated when she would have most likely forgotten both having had her nose stuck in her books for hours on end. He had watched daytime television in the bedroom and failed to hide his tears when a charity had rebuilt an elderly man’s home following a flood. When she asked, he had helped to test her using the notes she’d prepped for the exam. He read scripts as soon as they had landed in his inbox. His team was politely shocked at his new-found efficiency.

When they weren’t fooling around on the sofa in the evenings, she had taken a break to read over some lines with him. While at first he was very kind and promising with his notes, especially with some kissing scenes he’d invented, they both knew she was definitely not suited for a life in front of the camera.

“Don’t overthink it too much. Just go with your instincts.” he encouraged her to continue reading with him for fun but she had given up when he had fallen into a fit of laughter as she attempted to arrest him.

“Yeh, no, my brain doesn’t really work like that.” She responded, holding up her hands in defeat.

“Please? I’m sorry, I promise I won’t laugh.” He pleaded. “Again.”

It was easy to get used to having him around but she finally realised how and why women fell for him hard. There was something very childlike about him, something innocent even if he was anything but when they dimmed the lights. He was gentler and quieter than she knew him to be, less sure of himself at times than perhaps the impression he wilfully gave away to the public. She heard the criticisms he levelled at himself when reading his lines out loud and saw first-hand the pressure he placed upon himself where his career was concerned. But for every committed step they took forwards as they learned more about each other, even after all these years, something started to pull her back.

“Hey…”

She was broken from her contemplation by his groggy drawl. He turned on to his side and laid his hand in the space she had previously occupied. One eye had yet to open and his hair was pointing in all different directions.

“It’s far too early to get up, y’know.” He stretched his arm out to connect with her leg curled up underneath her as she looked back at him. “Oh shit. I forgot. Is it really this morning already?”

She stayed looking at him from where she was sat before nodding. “I should only be a couple of hours but I’ll swing by that bakery down the street and pick us up something nice for lunch. They do those almond croissants you like.”

He sighed, taking her in and smiling. She’d tied her hair in a side plait and was wearing a slightly fluffy striped sweater that he wanted to run his hands over. “Yeh, that sounds real nice, Bernette.” He didn’t miss a beat. “I could meet you afterwards? We could go for a walk through the Park?”

“I might just want to come home and cry.”

“Hey now, you’re gonna ace this test. I can feel it.” He was fully awake now, purposeful in his movements towards her to help put her mind at ease. “If I was your patient, I would be ecstatic to have you working on me.”

She chuckled to herself. He was always so confident expressing himself. She was jealous of that. She wished she could be as sure of herself, like the rest of the family were. It was one thing in her that stood out in stark contrast.

“What have you eaten? I didn’t hear any room service.” He probed, a serious look now glazing over his features.

“Oh it’s fine, I’ll grab something on the way. I’m not all that hungry to tell you the truth.” She tried to brush off his protests but it only served to make him more concerned.

“You’ve got time yet, let me order something up.” he made for the phone but was stopped as she got up from the bed. “You need to eat something, Sarah. You’re gonna be sat there for hours. I don’t want you passing out.”

“Alright, thank you, Dad!” She laughed. “It’s fine! This is not my first exam. I know what it’s like and I promise you I will get something from Starbucks or somewhere else on the way.”

“You’re going now?!”

“Yeh, I could do with a walk to clear my head. I always found that helpful back in school.” She was talking from the lounge as she tried to locate her boots. Something else Shanna had chucked into her suitcase without her realising, but she wasn’t as annoyed this time.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll come with you.”

She re-entered the bedroom to find him rifling through his bag for new clothes. “Why?”

“Because I wanna support my girlfriend! Jesus!” He was sharper than he had intended but carried on with his search for fresh boxers, throwing out some old stuff in haste like he was searching for long lost buried treasure.

She just looked at him. He’d never used that word before. They’d never talked about it. He acknowledged her silence and stopped to look at her, jeans in hand. He saw her awkward stance and instantly felt like shit. This was not the morning to lay this on her. He knew the very next words out of his mouth would determine how they moved forward.

He paused before chucking his jeans on the chair in front of him. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she responded but she wasn’t sure it was.

“If you wanna head off, that’s totally cool. I’ll be here if you need me. Just text me when you’re done, yeh?”

She nodded at him, offered him as reassuring a smile as she could manage before leaving the bedroom to gather her things. He didn’t follow her; she heard the bed creak slightly so he must have chosen to stay put instead. It was probably for the best. She didn’t want the image of his pitiful face to be her last memory before sitting in silence for 90 minutes, trying in vain to concentrate as hard as she could.

*

The test went about as well as expected, if what she had expected was to doubt her basic entry-level abilities. She was one of seven that morning, six if you discount the gentleman that walked out fifteen minutes after he sat down.

It was multiple choice. It really shouldn’t have been that difficult. The answer was hiding in plain sight after all. She was reminded of something her tutor once told her and her graduating class before they left the relative comfort of their college:

_“There will always be someone who knows more than you do.”_

He didn’t mean it in a disparaging way - at least she didn’t think he did - but more that you go from being one of the best in your class to being surrounded by people who are equally as bright and as intuitive as you may be, and who will all have had different experiences. He wanted to say that sometimes, there is no one right answer. It was more than passing a test and qualifying; you had to adapt. You had to soak everything up like a sponge or else you risk becoming redundant in the very profession you devoted your life to. No wonder Medicine had the highest quit ratio. Boy, had she been naïve.

_Shanna 11.41am: OK OK I kno ur probably still super busy bt Im dying to kno how it went?? Txt me when you get a sec babe xxxxx_

She smiled down at her phone before typing a series of vomiting emojis. That should just about sum up her feelings. Scanning her phone again, she found a couple of messages from Audrey but none from Chris. She was surprised but would be lying if she didn’t admit to being relieved.

She meandered down the street towards the subway, thoughts swaying between reliving stupid mistakes she had convinced herself she had made, to what kind of mood Chris might be in. She texted him that she was finished and heading back like she promised she would, then the train was bang on time so she didn’t even have the luxury of blaming delays. Her legs weighed like lead as she approached the suite doorway, her lack of sleep the night before finally catching up with her.

Everything was deathly quiet when she entered. She paused after shutting the door behind her but still couldn’t hear anything. Certainly no trace of another person being present. Confused, she walked into the bedroom and found a note left on the comforter. He’d gone to the gym and told her to message him when she got back. _This_ might give her the excuse she’d been seeking to grab five minutes alone.

She flopped on to the bed and turned to the side to catch the pile of notes and textbooks he’d shoved there the night before. So much promise contained in those few pages. So much knowledge that it felt like she had no business attempting to absorb it for her own personal gain. Many highly accomplished physicians and scientists had bound their entire lives to the duty of finding answers to the human body’s potential for extreme trauma. What exactly would a young, angst-ridden girl from Michigan bring to the table?

The door went a few moments later and she realised she had closed her eyes. She was lying on her back with her legs hanging off the end of the bed as he walked in, slightly sweaty but nevertheless a sight for sore eyes. Seeing him in this state was the nicest thing that had happened to her all day and she regretted their tense conversation earlier.

“Dude…” he muttered as he dropped his towel on the chair by the door and joined her on the bed. He flopped down alongside her with a heavy sigh.

“Good workout?” she finally offered.

“Yeh, all good. Nothing too strenuous.” He replied like it was the most normal conversation in the world. “Good exam?”

“Oh yeh, same.” She replied just as casual as him before they both fell into a fit of giggles.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked after they had both calmed down.

She took a deep breath. “Not really.”

“You want me to guess?”

“Chris…”

“What?” his voice was a little whinier than he would have liked at this particular time. “I know you. You’re writing yourself off before you know what’s happened.”

“Who said I was writing myself off?” She pushed back. “It’s normal to feel like this. It’s just…nerves or whatever.”

“Yeh, well, there’s no point worrying about something twice.”

She didn’t want to talk about this right now. She was silently hoping he would make a move on her after refraining from touching her the night before when she was definitely in the mood for him. “It’s just…it’s hard to explain.” She got up from the bed and shuffled into the bathroom to remove what little make-up she had put on that morning.

“Try and tell me about it. What was it like? How many questions were there? How many people turned up?”

She threw the face wipe in the bin and ran the tap water to wash her hands. She knew he wasn’t going to budge from his trajectory. She knew he wasn’t going to stop picking at her to talk about it. She leaned her hands on the marble top and took a deep breath.

“It was harder than I imagined it would be. I think I just froze. Like, basic stuff I do day in and day out just wasn’t coming to me.”

“If doing auditions has taught me anything it’s that you always think you’ve done worse than you have. It’s just natural. The brain works in strange ways sometimes. It can trick you.” he reasoned, finally moving into the bathroom but not daring to reach out to her. He settled for backing up against the wall inside the doorway.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be a good result, though.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” He spoke softly, comfortingly. “You’re so smart and so capable of doing this. You just gotta believe in yourself.”

She nodded in acceptance of what he was trying to say and looked at him face-on. His brow was defined with those worry lines again which made her feel a little crap, but he still had a boyish shine about him, no doubt because of the glow from his workout. She would have been a heaving red mess.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

She continued studying him, trying to arrange her thoughts. “Is this all there is to life?” she asked after another moment had passed. “You find something you like to do and that’s it, you just coast for 40 years?”

He contemplated her question for a second. “Yeh. Pretty much.”

Sarah huffed out a laugh, not fully appreciating his brutal honesty at this moment in time.

“But not everyone is lucky to even get that far.” He moved into the bathroom to stand closer to her. “People can go years with no real clue of what it is they wanna do. You’re one of the lucky ones, Sarah. You figured it out when you were young, you did what you had to do and now you’re doing it for real. That’s less common than you think.”

It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate what he was trying to do, it’s just that often she had multiple anxieties convincing her of the opposite. It’s easy for him to say this, he’s already at the top of his game. He doesn’t have to bother with the real world if he doesn’t want to. Most people don’t have the financial luxury of stopping to retrain as something different and Chris had always alluded to quitting acting while he was still young in order to take up something else, like carpentry or simply staying behind the scenes. He always figured he would stop when he had his first child but the reality for everyone else couldn’t afford them the same privilege.

“You are where you’re supposed to be.” He continued. “I don’t believe there is anyone better qualified at what it is they do than you. I believe that and I believe that you know that, too, deep down. You just gotta find the other stuff that keeps you happy in the meantime. Whatever it is that keeps you going.”

“What makes you happy?”

He smiled at her. “Well…what you see is what you get. Family, football, beer. Not necessarily in that order.” He was glad she was smiling again. “Spending time with the people I love. Recognising that I love them and that they love me back and that that love is wonderful.”

“You’re so lucky you don’t second guess yourself all the time.”

“Oh, believe me, I do,” he impressed. “It’s just that I learned some things a few years ago that help me now. Like taking a deep breath and letting it wash over you. It’s natural to feel doubt but it’s what happens afterwards that really matters. It’s how we choose to perceive the things that happen to us, and how we move forward.”

“Anything has gotta be easier than feeling like this.”

“It’s not always a good thing. Sometimes you have to wait for other people to catch up.” He leaned onto the counter next to her, the mirror in front of them spotlighting them both and making them both appear a little pathetic in their current gait.

“I should start packing.” She whispered after a few more silent moments had passed by.

Neither of them made the effort to move but check-out was 2pm at the latest if Chris had bought it and she was almost certain he had. She would eventually need to make her way to the station and presumably Chris would simply head home in his car. Back to Boston. Back to reality.

“We still have some time. We could order up some lunch if you want to? I’m not entirely convinced you ate anything this morning.”

She watched him in the mirror as he turned to face her, a sterner look in his eyes. He was pretty certain he could read her face this time and her lip-bite told him he was right.

“Or we could do something else with the little time we have left.” He reached out his hand to touch hers, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles. She didn’t move away so he chanced his arm and pulled her closer to him before kissing the inside of her palm and wrist. “It was so hard last night.”

She smirked at him before it dawned on him. “I mean…you know what I mean.” He rolled his eyes. “It was hard for me to lie so close to you and not touch you. I really meant what I said, about you getting a good night’s rest but fuck me, it was difficult.”

“I know. It was hard for me, too.”

“We don’t get this kind of time together,” He looked down at her hands, held tightly in his. “and I’ve really, _really_ enjoyed myself. I feel more normal around you. I can’t explain it.”

“It’s OK. You don’t need to say anything.”

This was the type of conversation Sarah would ordinarily run a mile from had it been with anyone else. Chris seemed to understand as well as he stopped himself from talking some more. She was being held in place by the literal limited space around her as he planted himself in her way. He looked down at her causing her to freeze up and, mentally, she began checking if she could feel her feet.

She slowly ran her hands up and down his arms in an attempt to sooth him. She saw him glance down at her lips and she hoped he would end the silence by kissing her but there was no such luck. He was trying to figure something out but what, she didn’t know. He was waiting for her next move.

“I don’t think we’ve thought this much about what happens, when…” he paused, gauging her for a response or an indication that she was OK with what he was saying. Perhaps even anticipating it in some way. “Sarah, I have these feelings for you and they’re getting stronger and these past few days have told me that I’m right. Do you know what I mean?”

She did know. She didn’t much want to know, but she did. “Let’s pause this and figure it out another time, yeh?” Her hands rubbed up to rest of his shoulders. “Let’s just enjoy this while it lasts. There’ll be another time for talking.”

He wasn’t convinced but assuaged enough to kiss her again, a little harder this time. His hand slipped into her hair to hold her to him and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. They had time.

*

She should have known he would have had the idea to drive them both back home. Yes, there was no need for her to sit on a busy commuter train for three hours but still. She did almost say yes but she would feel awkward asking him to drop her off blocks away from her home and he would inevitably disagree and they’d argue. Not argue per se. They never really argued, but it would become a thing and she didn’t have the heart to disappoint him a third time that day.

They were in happy moods by the time they checked out. All ideas of having a more serious conversation had evaporated quickly after she pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He had them both naked in record time even for him, and she made a point to memorise his face and the rush of red through his skin when she watched him cum hard underneath her.

She’d bought him a coffee from the café bar inside the reception and he’d thanked her with a gentle peck on the lips before slipping away via the underground garage, ball cap pulled down low over his eyes. She felt the light bruises form on her thighs and smiled to herself at the memory of where his hands had been when she walked into their apartment to find Shanna in tears. She froze on the spot.

“Oh my god, what the hell happened?” Finally finding her voice when registering the scene in front of her. Sarah dropped her bags and ran to the couch to wrap an arm around her friend. “Why are you crying?”

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. Sorry, I’m…” Shanna tried to gather her thoughts. “It’s stupid, really. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“Well, it’s not stupid. It’s obviously something because it’s made you upset.” She pulled her hand inside the sleeve of her hoodie and used it to wipe away her tears. “Do you wanna talk about it? Is it something I can help with?”

“Not really.” This wasn’t the feisty Shan Sarah knew. “Turns out Robbie wasn’t interested in me after all because he’s asked somebody else out. I should have known really. He definitely wouldn’t be interested in me.”

“Oh love,” Sarah empathised.

“It’s not even like I was really all that bothered about him, honestly.” She continued. “It’s just, it’s been a while since someone decent asked me out on a date, y’know? Someone smart who had potential. Normally, they have to be drunk to even approach me and they just end up being dickheads. All of them.”

Knowing Shanna as well as she did, she knew Shanna wouldn’t appreciate an empty platitude. “I think it happens to the best of us. You should hear some of the tales Audrey has. She’s experienced some crazy shit.”

“Yeh? How did she meet Michael?”

“She didn’t make it easy for him that’s for sure!” she chuckled and felt relief at the grin now showing on Shan’s face. “The way she tells it, she stopped looking. Just stopped going to bars and clubs, spent more time doing the things she enjoyed and more time with her friends and family. Randomly met him at a march in the city, can you believe that? He wasn’t even supposed to be there but his brother dragged him along apparently.”

“I think she was right to concentrate on her friends and family. I should take a leaf out of her book. At least you can count on them to keep you sane.”

A sense of unease found its way into Sarah’s head. “Yeh, definitely. You never know when a good thing will strike and maybe this shows you that you know what you don’t want anymore. That’s gotta be a positive thing, right?”

“Yeh. It just feels a bit crap but I’ll probably feel better in the morning.” Shanna got up from the couch and Sarah sensed it was more so to hide a few more tears. “I got some wine earlier, do you fancy a glass?”

“Uh yeh sounds good. I’ll just go and sort my stuff out.”

“Oh fucking hell!” Shanna smacked her hand to her face. “I’m so sorry! How did it go?”

Sarah held her bag loosely in her hand, her attempt at making a quick getaway to her room without discussing the exam a failure. “Oh, it was what it was. I won’t find out for a little while so no point worrying about it twice, right?”

“Huh, you sound just like Chris.” Shanna said before walking back into the kitchen. “I’m sure you did great, though. You always do.”

“Thanks.” She carried on to her room to dump her stuff. She would sort it out tomorrow. Right now, she figured Shan would want to get a little bit drunk and Sarah was on a late tomorrow anyway, so…it wouldn’t do them any harm.

“Hey, Sarah?” Shan called from the kitchen.

“Yeh?”

“Who did you have coffee with?”

Confusion set in as Sarah tried to figure out what Shanna was talking about. She peered her head round the door. “What?”

“Coffee today?” Shanna responded, holding a crumpled piece of paper in her hand. “This dropped out of your coat, I think. Coffee for two?”

Confusion quickly turned into full-blown panic as she realised what she had done. Fuck. “Oh, um, I just…” She stumbled over herself and felt her skin redden and get hotter. She must have looked a sight. “Um…it wasn’t…”

“Hey, listen, you don’t need to explain anything.”

“Oh no that’s not what it is-”

“-At least one of us is having better luck in the romance department.”

“Shan, it’s not-”

“-I’m so glad you and Greg are getting on well.” Shanna handed over the receipt to Sarah before regarding her and what must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. “I mean that. He seems nice and you absolutely deserve to have some fun for a change. I know I haven’t been very supportive of this whole thing with Charlotte but I worry about you a little bit sometimes. After everything that’s happened, I guess I just don’t wanna see you hurt again.”

Sarah was frozen to the spot. Numb. Shanna had put two and two together and thought the best of her friend. Sarah didn’t deserve that.

“He seems like he’s being really supportive right now and being the person that I should perhaps be. I will try to be better, I promise.” Shanna apologised.

Sarah looked down at the slip of paper in her hand and then to the floor, a little bit of feeling starting to return to her legs. “Shan,” she started quietly, so quietly that she missed it entirely and when she looked back up, Shanna was walking back into the kitchen.

“I mean it. You’ve always been amazing to me. Picking me up when I need it and looking after me. Everyone says I take you for granted sometimes and they’re absolutely right so I just wanted to say that I will back you up 100% from now on. No excuses. You and me against the world, right?”

Shanna flashed her a broad and hopeful grin and all Sarah could do was return a limp version in response.

“Let’s get that wine opened and you can tell me all about it.”

Shanna disappeared into the kitchen again. If she had stayed a second longer she would have seen tears forms in Sarah’s eyes at the knowledge that she screwed everything up. She and Chris had diverted a conversation on the promise of having it another time but that was never going to happen. Not now.

How could it?

*


	19. Chapter Sixteen*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for my delay getting this ready. Work and life got in the way a bit, and I really wanted to get this out sooner.
> 
> Thanks for sticking by me :)
> 
> Warnings: Language, angst, scenes NSFW, general annoying-ness

“So, what do you want to do now?” Audrey asked, hands firmly planted on the Diner table in front of her. She had the same careful posture and look on her face as when she had to relay bad news to a family. It certainly wasn’t providing much comfort now.

She tilted her head to one side and offered a soft smile to try and assuage Sarah’s anxiety but it was no use. This kind of information wasn’t deserving of a casual reaction. She’d pretty much dropped a bomb on her friend and she was expected to deal with the fall out. To Audrey’s credit, though, she appeared to be taking it in her stride which was a bit surprising to say the least.

“Honestly? I have no idea.” Sarah shook her head despondently before her forehead connected with the table.

_Three Days Earlier…_

The convenient thing about being a nurse and working long and tiring hours, Sarah found, was that you almost always had the perfect excuse for getting out of plans. Or not replying to messages you were deliberately avoiding. “Sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I lost track of time” quickly becomes an acceptable code for “Sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I didn’t have a clue what to say.”

No one would ever dare call you out on it.

It had been almost a week since Sarah had arrived home and the questions from her family had yet to subside. For someone quiet and relatively lacking in a desire for attention, people sure did have a vested interest in her whereabouts. They wanted to know about the exam and when she was likely to hear the outcome. They wanted to know what would happen next and whether she could appeal it if she didn’t like the results. They wanted to know whether she would try again or if she was just happy doing what she was doing now, and please can you call your grandmother because she wants to hear about it, too.

She was exhausted.

But dealing with those messages was an absolute dream compared to messages Chris was sending her. She could copy and paste generic responses to all of the above but with Chris? That was going to take some more thought.

_Chris: You’re so pretty. I miss your face so much x_

_Chris: …..And so many other things x_

_Chris: It’s not the same waking up without you x_

_Chris: Do you remember me waking you up last week………?_

_Chris: Did you pick up my sunglasses?? I cant find them anywhere…….._

_Chris: Just found them! Duh!_

_Chris: Have you seen the Last Week Tonight? I think you’d love this one……. X_

_Chris: I’m thinking of getting a dog x_

_Chris: Can you just tell me ur OK so I can stop worrying???_

After coming home late one evening following a long shift, she found herself face-to-face with the most beautiful array of flowers she had ever seen. Sunflowers, glorious white roses, gerberas, tulips, peonies… Truly, indescribably beautiful.

“Someone sure is popular.” Shanna called from where she was sat at the dining table. “They got delivered earlier today. I don’t mean to be a bad feminist but you should probably think about putting out for Greg ‘cos if you don’t, you can let him know that I am _definitely_ up for it.”

Sarah side-eyed her friend and tried to locate the card in amongst the substantial spray. “I can’t remember the last time someone bought me flowers that wasn’t my Dad.” Shanna barked out a laugh as Sarah pulled the card out, recognising the handwriting instantly.

_I really miss you x_

Now she felt bad for her lazy response to him earlier that afternoon. The second-hand embarrassment was creeping up on her after she tried to casually allay his concerns with an _“All good!! x”_ and regretted the double exclamation marks. That was bound to give the game away.

She regarded the flowers standing proudly on ceremony and waiting for her to smile at them in utter joy so they knew they had done their job. They deserved that at least, but all she could manage was a sigh and a somewhat reluctant smile at their glowing beauty.

“I mean there’s certainly no denying he likes you _a lot_.” Shanna crept up behind her and narrowly missed Sarah scrunching up the card in her hands. “You don’t buy flowers like this without making your intentions clear.”

“Who says he has intentions?” Sarah playfully jostled with Shanna. “This isn’t _Downton Abbey_.”

“Oh, come on!” Shanna regaled in disbelief, running her fingers over the large, open sunflowers. “You can’t fool me, Bernette. These are statement flowers if ever I saw them. He wants you _baaaad_.”

She walked back into the kitchen and Sarah could hear her locate and clang the only two vases they owned in the apartment. Neither of them had much need for vases and even if they did, one thing that made them good flatmates was their mutual distaste for needless crockery lying around the place. Neither appreciated dusting as a chore; it was much easier this way.

“Fuck. I’ll have to ask Mom to bring one over.” Shanna said. “We’re gonna need more to cope with _that_.”

As expected, Chris was pretty proud of himself. She couldn’t deny him that as he saw the flowers blossom in and around her apartment. He had popped by under the premise of annoying his sister for the evening but flirtatious glances across the lounge gave away his true intentions.

“You should be flattered, I don’t normally do flowers.” He joked when he sidled up next to her in the kitchen, tossing an apple back and forth between his hands.

“You don’t “normally” do anything.”

“Not true. I once sent a girl a peace lily that came in that nice, tall glass vase. That big blue thing.”

“Wasn’t that just to replace the one you smashed at her mom’s place when you were trying to sneak out?”

Chris froze on the spot, staring at her. “I actually can’t remember now, was it? Scott ordered it for me.”

Sarah rolled her eyes before continuing to tidy around him, Chris evidently deciding not to make her job any easier by moving out of her way. It was the equivalent of him lazily lifting his feet off the floor while she tried to vacuum underneath.

“Seriously, though, did you like them?”

“They’re lovely, thank you." Sarah moved to the other side of the kitchen as she continued to dry and place back some wine glasses in the cupboard. “You really didn’t need to do that. It was kinda hard to explain them away.”

“What did you say?” He rubbed at the back of his neck, turning serious for a second.

“I didn’t really say anything. She just assumed they were from Greg.” She leaned against the counter across the room from him. He could make out the worry in her eyes. “Which makes me feel like I’ve lied to her twice.”

It was hard to sleep that night. Chris had somehow got her to agree to meeting him the next day so they could talk some more but she refrained from agreeing to meet him at his place after work. She knew how that was likely to end and she couldn’t face being with him in that way right now so he had finally relented and agreed to a simple coffee at lunch instead. He was less than pleased when he left and Shanna spent half an hour complaining through the bathroom door about his “issues” as Sarah was trying to clean up before heading to bed.

“He’s always been an entitled asshole.” She started before ending with a one-two punch of “He’s not happy unless he’s in control” and “I wish for once he would experience being told ‘no’” She wasn’t wrong but she also didn’t need to hear just how right she was in this moment either.

*

A couple of things happened in relatively quick succession.

The coffee was every bit as awkward as she knew it would be, only not exactly for the reasons she had anticipated. It was times like this she relished Chris’s ability to have it all figured out and to be able to express himself clearly and succinctly, but she should have known better. As a result, Sarah was left more anxious and unsure of what it was she was feeling. Guilt she figured, not just for the knowledge that she was lying to her best friend but also for leaving the man sat in front of her looking like he had not slept properly in days.

He cleared his throat and shifted to sit up straighter in his seat. They were sat in the corner of the diner, as always, and barring a couple of people having a relatively animated conversation a few booths away from them – relatives of patients, she figured – it was pretty quiet for this time of the day.

“So, time to be honest but there was a reason I sent those flowers.” He had the look of someone who had just been told off by a teacher. “I sort of thought you might have seen something but I guess it went away. I think Matt dealt with it OK.”

Sarah put her cup down and looked at him quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“OK, don’t get mad but there _may_ have been a photograph.” He barely looked up as he spoke. “Of us at the hotel.”

Her eyes widened at him and she was about to panic out loud until she realised where she was. “A photograph?”

“Well, technically a photo of me and an ‘unidentified female companion’.” He deadpanned making air quotes like it was nothing before finally making eye contact with her. He frowned but she knew it wasn’t directed at her. He looked down at the table again and then back at her when he realised she hadn’t said anything. “Don’t worry. It’s sorted. I explained things. I just figured someone might have put it on social media or something but I guess I owe him one this time, which he’ll love no doubt.”

“Oh.” She knew it was a pathetic response. “What do you mean you explained things?”

“It looks like a fan spotted me and took a picture at the right time. For them, obviously, not for me. Or us. A magazine picked it up. You actually look a little blurry so technically it could be anyone.”

“Unless you know me. It’ll probably be really obvious then.”

“Well now you don’t need to worry because it’s gone away. We’ll call it one of our nine lives.” He sipped his coffee again, slowly regaining his confidence now that he knew she wasn’t mad with him. She began rubbing her temple, a predictable move for when she was feeling stressed out and he realised he’d crossed a line. “Sorry.”

“Maybe I should seek a career in espionage. Clearly I can hide in plain sight.” She finally spoke and he smiled softly at her in a way that would unnerve her under certain circumstances but for obvious reasons wasn’t having that same effect right in this moment.

“Trust me, OK? I know how these things play out and people forget quickly. I’ve done this hundreds of times.” He was about to sip his coffee again until he was met with a sterner look from across the table. “That was supposed to sound reassuring but I, er, misjudged it.”

“Does Matt know about me?”

A few seconds of silence passed between them, Chris looking slightly to his left before making eye contact with her and pursing his lips, giving her the answer.

He leaned in and spoke as quietly as he could manage. “But he won’t say anything. He’s a good guy and he looks out for me.”

“Yeh, I know.” She nodded. “Just doesn’t feel great at the moment.”

“You know I would love it if you talked to me about this.” He lowered his head so much he was now practically touching the table with his chin. “I feel like ever since we got back from New York things have been really weird and normally I would think I was overthinking things but I don’t think I am, am I?”

She turned her cup a few times before she felt his hand connect with hers. She saw how small she looked in his and when she looked back up at him, she was met with his doe-eyed expression. The expression which all you could do was smile back, which she did, and she was glad she did because he seemed to lose some weight from his shoulders at that point. His fingers lightly rubbed across hers and she enjoyed the warmth spreading across her skin and up her forearms.

“I’m sorry,” She spoke after a minute. “I didn’t mean to cause you any stress.”

Surprised by her apology, he leaned back in his chair. “You don’t need to apologise to me, Bernette. I get it. It’s strange.”

“I guess I just didn’t know where things would go after, y’know, everything. I wasn’t sure what to say.”

“Well, I know where I want things to go but something tells me we’re not on the same page.”

More silence.

“Look, I get it, OK? Nothing about this is straight-forward.” He rubbed a hand over his beard and over the back of his hair. “But we’re doing OK, right? I mean, I don’t think this needs to end any time soon. We don’t need to make any rash decisions just yet.”

“But how do you see this ending?”

She missed his hands when he pulled them back and let them rest on the table in front of him. “Umm…”

“Because truthfully, I figured it would have ended as soon as it started. You might have got bored or maybe you got a job and you left for months and we’d just…forget about it.” She shrugged back at him.

“Forget?” He tried to mask the disbelief creeping into his tone. “I don’t think either of us could forget about this.”

“But you think about our lives and how different we are and even if we take the family out of the equation, like, it was always going to be tough, right? We would have to figure these things out eventually. It would be naïve to think we could carry on as we have done without feeling guilty and…”

“I don’t feel guilty. Do you feel guilty?”

“Well, yeh. From time to time. It’s not so bad when we’re at yours because it feels like it’s out of sight, out of mind, and-”

“-then we’ll just have to stay at mine more.” He raised his eyebrow at her in an attempt to bring some playfulness back to their conversation.

“That’s not what I’m getting at.” She shook her head at him. Now it was her time to pull back as her head connected with the headrest. “This isn’t gonna last forever, is it? We need to be more rational.”

“Well…”

“And it’s only going to get harder and feel more…stressful,”

Chris narrowed his eyes at her. “Why now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, where is this coming from?” he asked. “We seemed to be OK and I thought we had a good time in New York. Then it’s days of near silence and now I think you’re trying to end this but you don’t have the guts to say it out loud.”

He had her there. She didn’t feel particularly offended or caught off guard by his assumption and he saw that because, truthfully, he’d finally put a name to her thoughts. He wasn’t giving her a way out as such but he was at least addressing the elephant she had planted between them.

He looked away from her and took in a sharp breath. “Look, I don’t want to have this conversation here, OK? I think we should have taken up my idea and spoken about this later at mine and in private. Will you please just come and see me later?”

He didn’t give her the softer, more pleading tone she was normally used to when he was trying to make an appeal to her. She wasn’t expecting it given the circumstances but…it would have been nice. How was she going to get through the next few hours of work if she had this struggle to look forward to?

“Because if you’re gonna dump me, I’d rather have a whiskey in me than whatever crap this is.” He flicked his cup away from him on the table and smoothed his hand over his beard again, still not making eye contact. “I’m gonna go. Just text me when you’re on the way, yeh?”

So that was that, then.

*

She could have cried, it felt so good.

She didn’t intend to let things get as far as they did. She was trying to figure out what to say to him. She spent a good portion of time standing outside his front door building up just enough nerve to knock. When she saw him, in a slightly-too-tight sweater, sweatpants hanging loose on his hips, eyes glossy from the alcohol she suspected he had started drinking as soon as he had arrived home, she couldn’t help herself.

He looked gorgeous. He looked warm and comforting and soft and hot and…all the things that had become so familiar to her now. And when he held his hand out to pull her in, she willingly went to him.

One thing that struck her as he was entering her over and over again was how tightly he held on to her. After she had finally managed to catch her breath from the onslaught of kisses and touches all over her body. His hands held hers firmly above her head as they fell onto his bed. God knows how they managed to make it that far.

He hadn’t let her up for air as soon as his lips connected with hers. He pulled her inside his apartment and pushed her towards his bedroom. She knew the layout of his home like the back of her hand, knowing exactly when they passed his kitchen as he dragged her jacket from her shoulders and left it by the table. She felt the curtains in his hallway brush passed her hair and the breeze from the skylight in his bathroom reach the base of her spine, his hands having pushed up her t-shirt and exposed her skin to the brief chill. His arms wrapped around her and held her like he was scared she was going to fall away from his grasp. She can’t remember connecting with anything else after that point; she was focussed solely on the way he was loving her.

Clumsily, he used to his leg to kick the bedroom open so she wouldn’t bang into it and he got her flat on the bed with minimal effort. He carefully removed clothes until she felt his hot skin smother hers and she realised she made the right decision in just going with it. There was a sweet hint of whiskey to his breath but she didn’t much care. As he looked into her eyes, resting deep inside her, she didn’t much care for anything. This was the power he held over her.

She could tell he was thinking of something to say. Something he had probably practiced in the few hours since they last saw each other but now was coming up short. She instinctively placed her hand gently over his mouth, an acknowledgement of sorts, and asked him to move again, slower this time as he made sure she could feel all of him moving inside her.

She was on the edge of her orgasm for a long time. His breathing grew laboured, his hot breath fanning over her face and surrounding her before, without warning, he shifted them both in one fluid move so she was lying on top of him.

“Ride me,” he whispered, a softness belying his request, and she complied.

She gripped at his upper arms so they would hold her weight as she moved purposefully on top of him. It was bliss. She couldn’t look away from him as he struggled to keep his eyes open, taking in everything she was giving him. They had experienced a few moments like this, moments that felt so tender if it wasn’t for the way his hands were gripping her hips to keep her going.

After they had both come together, she collapsed down over him, her head resting over the top of his chest, him still inside her. She felt sure she had accidently bumped his chin but couldn’t quite manage the energy to vocalise an apology. He wrapped his arms securely around her to hold her in place when he thought she would try and move away from him. They’d slept like this in New York and he had decided he liked it more than the alternative.

“If that’s the last time we do this, at least we went out on a high.” he sighed.

“True.” She replied, equally as breathless.

He turned his head to look down at her, stroking a hand over her hair and the side of her face. “It doesn’t feel fair, though. Life’s gonna be a little bit shitter without you to look forward to.”

“We’ll still see each other. We’ll find a way to make it work.” She shifted her legs from off his before turning slightly to take the rest of her body away from his and he reluctantly let her go.

“Do you think we can?” He asked as he stared up at the ceiling. He already knew the answer in his mind but he wanted to hear her try and convince him.

“We have to.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

She sighed heavily and rubbed a hand across her forehead, letting it rest it in her hair. “She’s my best friend. You guys are my family. We have to at least try.”

Chris turned to look at her just in time to see a tear form in her eyes. She gently blinked and sniffed it away not realising he had seen.

“You’re gonna be a hard act to follow, Bernette.”

*

“So you slept with him again?” Audrey worried.

Sarah nodded carefully, holding one hand in the other. “I know, I know…but when I saw him I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t pull away from him, it’s like he-”

“Oh honey, listen, I get it. Completely.” Audrey’s eyes widened and she had to stop herself laughing. “I can imagine he’s been _very_ supportive to you with everything that’s been going on but I think when all is said and done, maybe you both needed this?”

“I wish it was that simple, Audrey. It’s not just the two of us that needs to consider things. Y’know, Shan actually apologised to me, saying she’d been a bad friend and that she would try to be more supportive from now on and…it hit me. It just knocked me for six that I’ve betrayed her completely and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to go back.”

“Ah well, that’s easy. You don’t go back. You don’t just forget the last few months. What’s done is done now and maybe there’s a better way out of this.”

“How?”

“Oh Sarah, I love you but you really are friggin’ naïve sometimes.” Audrey pointedly rolled her eyes for the tenth time since they sat down. It wasn’t something Sarah was appreciating right now, this feeling that she was continuously missing the damn point.

“It’s obvious this isn’t just sex. I mean, he drove to see you in New York and fucking…” She waved her hand around at nothing in particular. “…fucking tested you on fucking blood diseases and ECGs. Michael doesn’t even do that and I fucking married that guy! Come on, Sarah. If this was just sex, it wouldn’t be an issue, would it? You’d be able to close the book and move on. End of story. The only reason this is causing you strife is because you have feelings for each other. And very serious ones at that I might add.”

If this was _Oprah_ , the audience would be clapping and whooping loudly right now and Audrey would do her finger-snap that she reserved for drunken arguments in bars with ladies that pushed in line for the toilets. Instead, she took a sip from her sparkling water and raised an eyebrow at her, content in her response. Your move, she was saying.

Sarah rubbed her eyes and painfully pulled at the skin on her eyelids. “I should have told you about this sooner. I’m sorry, Audrey. I’m sorry I’m landing this on your now.”

“Well, while we’re being honest, I guess I should tell you that I kind of already knew."

Sarah looked at her incredulously. Audrey didn’t bat an eye and just sat looking back at her.

“How long? When did you…?”

“It’s not every day a movie star wanders into the reception of a crumbling ER department.” She said, matter-of-factly. “Plus, I saw you both outside the diner. Aaand I’m guessing the _accident_ you had recently was because of him as well?”

Sarah awkwardly bit at her bottom lip. She didn’t need to confirm anything; Audrey knew full well. She was astute as hell and while it didn’t feel like it right in this moment, Sarah was quietly relieved.

“What do I do, Audrey?”

She sipped her water again. “If you insist on being serious about this, you can’t let yourself be in a room with him alone. You know that much, hun. The rest is day by day. Maybe he’ll make it easy on you.”

She nodded in understanding. Audrey took that at face value, giving her a sympathetic smile in return while mentally making a bet with herself about how well things would turn out.

*


	20. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Angst and an air of discomfort, strong language.
> 
> Thank you :)

The night shifts weren’t all bad. From time to time, they were even as good as “pretty straight forward”. They proved especially useful when trying to finish patient notes and random admin that always got left to the very end of the shift. Perhaps they’d endure a tidy-out of the stock cupboards if the crew was feeling generous. Since O’Brien had taken up his post at the hospital years earlier, he had insisted upon mandatory training updates for the ER units every three to four months (the national average was about once a year) so the team were regularly reminded not to set fire to their computers and not to leave boxes in places people could trip over. You’d be surprised how often both those things happened in an emerging crisis.

“I swear he thinks we’re idiots half the time.” Complained Jack, his head now glued to the palm of his hand. Jack was hurtling towards an early retirement thanks to an ever-increasing distrust of the corporate environment ER departments found themselves in. We trained to save lives, he’d say, not file stat reports. He was so right, it hurt.

The crew was sat round the reception desk. The ER was empty except for a local homeless man the team allowed in from time to time to sleep off his latest drunken adventures.

“Who doesn’t know how to bend their knees when lifting something heavy?” Jack asked again.

“Ryan for one.” Sarah joked, pointing her cold cup of tea towards the fellow nurse in question. Ryan was a tall and skinny guy, not dissimilar to Alexander Skarsgard in the right light but with less charm although he had left a few of the interns swooning of late. Shanna quite liked him, too.

“One time, Sarah. One time and I suffered for it greatly.” Ryan remarked, spinning a full 360° in his swivel chair. “Did you tick ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ for question eleven?”

“Oh, if you don’t tick ‘strongly agree’ even if you only ‘agree’, they mark you down a couple of percentage points.” Entered Audrey, slamming down a pile of files on the desk beside Sarah. Their nightly routine just got more interesting. “Just get it over with. It’s not worth the effort. It’s just O’Brien being obsessed with stats again. He turns everything into a competition. I swear it’s unhealthy.”

Ryan looked momentarily confused before returning to face his computer screen. He re-read the question for the fifth time and rubbed his eyes in resignation. Something about 3am made this far too complicated.

“When did you even find time to do this, Aud?” Jack asked, turning back to Sarah and Audrey in time to witness their shared look self-satisfaction. “I’ve been sat here for half an hour and am still only part way through the first section.”

“I logged in at home earlier.” she responded before catching Sarah’s quizzical look. “Well, Michael did most of it for me.”

“Fucking hell!” exclaimed Jack, chucking his pen on the table, giving up. “Got no chance then, have I? Michael’s a bloody genius. Hey, how much for him to do mine?”

“Normally I’d say $100 but he’s pretty cheap these days.” shrugged Audrey. “Probably a fancy cigar would do.”

“He still grumpy about the you-know-what?” whispered Sarah to her friend when the guys started joshing between themselves.

Audrey leaned back on the desk beside her and took the mug from Sarah’s hands to take a sip, grimacing slightly at the sweetness. For some reason, Sarah had to have at least three sugars in her tea if she was drinking it post-midnight. It helped to keep her more alert apparently. She didn’t drink it like that at any other time of the day. “No more than usual. Seems like we’re both unlucky in that department at the moment.”

Sarah smiled at her in acknowledgement, lips thin before biting the inside of her cheek.

Following their last meet-up, Chris had been decidedly quiet. Too quiet almost. It was weird. He hadn’t messaged her. He hadn’t called or visited their apartment except to collect a parcel he had left. Sarah has been out for a run at the time and had felt silently glad to have missed him. He hadn’t updated his twitter and there had been multiple sports events occurring that would have guaranteed a humblebrag or five. Shanna had pledged to buy rib-eye steaks for a Saturday night meal during a Celtics game and he had cancelled at the last minute citing an interview he had conveniently forgotten. Even Audrey thought it was weird. If anything was guaranteed to get his attention and bring him out of whatever funk he was in, it was the promise of sports and a ‘Grade A’ barbeque.

Shanna merely put it down to his laziness or him having something better turn up. Scott had started replacing Chris around their apartment, wanting to get some of his own distance from the tricky Zach situation and it helped her feel better knowing he was at least in touch with him if Shanna wasn’t. He was evidently still alive.

Sarah decided to swap a couple of daytime stints to partner up with Audrey for the nights. She needed the comfort of working with a good friend to calm her down from whatever ledge her anxiety had placed her on.

“You know that he’ll come back, right?” Audrey interrupted her thoughts. Maybe Sarah spoke too soon. “Haven’t you got that birthday thing for Lisa coming up?”

That trip was a couple of weeks away yet. She was trying to bank some reasonable excuses but everything sounded lame in the cold light of day and Lisa was never going to accept her not coming as well. Surely things would have smoothed themselves out by then?

“This won’t just fix itself, hun, you’ll need to speak to him eventually. And the sooner the better.”

It was like Audrey had a hotline straight into Sarah’s psyche. It was unnerving at the best of times. Sarah knew she was right of course. It’s just, a little bit of distance would be a good thing, right? Even Chris himself had offered that advice from time to time, and stressing herself out at this point almost seemed counterintuitive.

“I reckon you could go in an hour or so if you wanted.” Audrey offered, nudging her friend with her elbow to bring her back into the room. “It’s dead out there.”

“I hope not.” Sarah joked, trying to lighten the mood. “We’d be shit at our jobs if that was the case.”

Audrey laughed for the first time since Sarah could remember that day. It was moments like this that reminded her of why she enjoyed working alongside her so much, and why she didn’t mind if it resulted in overtime.

“You wanna take patient referrals while I take the EPRs?”

“How can I refuse an offer like that?” Sarah picked up the dozen or so documents sat in front of her and grabbed the nearest chair. Audrey told her she’d put the kettle on and nudged the guys still glued to their screens. Ryan had pretty much given up logical thinking and was now ticking random boxes. Jack was cursing under his breath. O’Brien was going to be in for a real treat when he could finally tabulate the responses.

It was nearing 6.20am when Sarah and Audrey finally packed up to go. Matt and Stephanie had just arrived to take over for the morning, bringing a fresh perspective for the day. There wasn’t much for them to catch up on so it should be a smooth few hours at least. Sarah even ran a mop through the staff locker room as an added gift – Steph was a notorious clean freak – nearly tripping Greg up in the process.

He’d been on leave for the past fortnight and his hair was a little longer than she remembered. A five o’clock shadow graced the lower part of his face and it suited him more than she thought it would. He had kept up with the informal tie-less attire and he seemed to be, dare she it, enjoying himself.

“God, I’m so sorry.” She held her hands up in a mock mea culpa. “I was just gonna put it away before heading out. It was a stupid place to leave it.”

“Did you not take the Health and Safety refresher?” he joked, rebalancing himself and trying to play down the redness creeping into his cheeks from the embarrassment of temporarily losing his footing in front of her.

“You gonna rat me out to O’Brien? ‘Cos you know as well as I do that he doesn’t need yet another reason to know he’s right.” She shifted the mop and bucket and placed them back in the supply closet before reaching for her bag again.

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He moved passed her before turning to face her again. “Tell you the truth, I ghosted the last couple of tabs myself. Who knew there were so many ways to ask questions about standing in elevators?”

Sarah rolled her eyes in acknowledgement. “Yeh. I can’t wait to have the team meeting when he realises we’ve all pretty much done the same thing. That’s gonna be fun. I might finally take some of my holiday.”

“Yeh, good plan. Hey listen,” His words stopped her in her tracks, feet from the exit. “Um, I know it’s been a while but I was wondering if you might want to reschedule that tennis match some time? Or if not, we could get some dinner or something? There’s that new sushi place on Reagan Street. It’s meant to be really good if you fancy it?”

She was indeed familiar with that very restaurant thanks to the glowing reviews she had been unable to avoid since it opened. Audrey had only mentioned it a mere thousand times in her presence. Word was that bookings were now months in advance so she wasn’t sure how Greg was hoping to find a table unless he wanted to make plans with her in November. Given the number of commitments he always appeared to have going on, it wouldn’t be completely outside the realm of possibility.

“Wow, I thought that place was fully booked?”

“Yeh, it is, but I went to college with one of the investors and he’s promised me a one-off.”

Of course he did. Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop herself from chuckling out loud, imagining Audrey’s face when she would inevitably find out. To be honest, she was genuinely surprised he was still showing a minor interest in her. When she finally made eye contact with him, his earnestness was practically shining. Had he always had perfect skin?

“Um…” That was a good start, she thought

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal if you’d rather not.” He helpfully pre-empted her awkward rejection but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “I’ve been meaning to go is all and I knew you liked sushi and figured it might be fun? They have live Jazz on Sunday nights.”

When did he find out she liked sushi? And live Jazz? Just how much had Audrey told him about her?

Realising she probably looked perplexed, she shuffled her shoulder strap back up onto her shoulder and tried to relax the awkwardness setting in between them. It was still quiet and no one was within earshot that she could figure out of her peripheral vision.

“It’s not you, Greg, I promise. It’s just, I’m not really looking to get into anything right now. With anyone. Plus, we work together and…I’m sorry. I hope that’s OK?”

“Hey, look, I promise it won’t be awkward. There’s absolutely no expectations from me and if you change your mind, just let me know, yeh? I literally know no one else who likes Sashimi so I can’t waste my only chance to get a table.” He chuckled and she felt more at ease.

“If it’s any consolation, I’m a pretty crap date.” She smiled at him as she edged herself down the hall, putting space between them both literally and figuratively. “You wouldn’t be missing out.”

“Oh, I doubt that somehow.” He returned her smile. “I’m serious, though. Just let me know. Anytime. No expiration date.”

And with that, she had been left dumbfounded by two men in the space of a single week.

*

It would have been easier to get the early morning bus home at this time, as tired as she was starting to feel. She hadn’t slept well in the last few days and she had a creeping nausea from the lack of proper rest. The walk and crisp, fresh air might do her some good. It was practically full daylight even at this hour, and it was sometimes fun to watch people on their own way to work, huffing along, trying not to drop their coffees.

The out-of-town school bus passed her a few minutes out from her apartment and as she rounded the corner, she got this weird sense that someone was watching her. Another corner turned and she could see her building in the near distance. Still, she couldn’t shake it. She stopped, pretending to fumble for her phone in her pocket and turned around swiftly to see a sweaty Chris stop a few steps behind her.

It took her a moment to register it was in fact him, his beard fuller and a Red Sox cap pulled down low over his eyes. He had sweats and sneakers on and looked like he was on a run. Honestly, if someone else had spotted him from this distance, they would have worried he was going to attack her.

“Hey,” she said, turning to fully face him. “What are you doing out at this time?”

He didn’t respond at first. He shuffled from one foot to the other before grounding himself and taking a couple of steps towards her. Again, he shuffled back a step like he was rethinking his move. She didn’t appreciate seeing him like this, so unsure of himself.

“Five months out from filming some pre-shoots so figured I’d make a start.” He finally spoke. Not a really a smile but he at least sounded OK.

“Cool.” She said, nodding back at him. “Um, I’m not sure if Shanna is awake yet but do you want to come inside for some water or coffee?”

“Yeh, that’d be great. Thanks.”

She turned to continue walking on. For a few long moments, he stayed walking slightly behind her. A couple more strides and he had decided to catch up. The last time it had taken this long to walk this same street, she had been so drunk she had narrowly avoided falling into her neighbour’s front garden.

“Five months? You’re not that out of shape.” She tried to make a joke. It was the only thing she could think of. Audrey would be eyerolling like a champ if she could see them now.

Chris knew she was trying to make small talk now so he decided to indulge her. It was a fair response, he thought - he was doing OK - as he followed her up the stairs deliberately keeping two or three behind her in an effort to keep it casual. “Oh, y’know. I fluctuate pretty easily. A few pizzas here and there and it’s game over.”

They walked into her kitchen and she had been right in assuming Shanna was still asleep. Unless she had awoken really early but that was highly unlikely, unless there was a sale at Ted Baker she didn’t know about.

He lingered in the doorway while she searched the fridge for a bottle of water. Grabbing one from the back, she turned to hand it to him expecting him to be within an arm’s reach from her but he had been distracted by something down the hall before turning back to her. Gratefully, he accepted it and walked into the kitchen to take up his usual spot leaning against the counter.

“Sorry, did you say you wanted a coffee?” She offered.

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t really take caffeine until this afternoon.”

“Sorry. I always forget how strict it is.” She apologised, offering him a sympathetic smile.

He took a long swig from the bottle, not breaking eye contact from her. “No need to apologise. You OK? Night shift?”

“Yeh. Pretty quiet, thankfully.”

“I’ve always meant to ask but what is it like, a night shift? I can’t work out if it would be worse or not.”

She understood what he meant and chuckled. “It can go either way to be honest but it’s been quiet the last few nights. Nothing crazy. I caught up with some paperwork, so…” She shrugged again, acutely aware of how boring she must sound.

He nodded at her. “Aren’t people supposed to be crazier in the summertime?”

“Well, kids are around more and families tend to spend more time together, so…”

The apartment was unnervingly quiet now which was weird. She could hear the uptake in traffic outside which provided some relief that perhaps he couldn’t hear her heart beating out of her chest. She could make out some small sweat patches on his hoodie and it did something to her that she wasn’t expecting. Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to switch the kettle off.

“What?” He asked.

She jerked her head back around to face him. “Huh?”

“You were thinking of something. Your neck just went red.” He smiled, tilting his head at her and relishing the look of surprise making its way over her features, knowing he’d caught her out.

That was news to her. She knew she had “tells” but a red neck was not usually one of them. How come no one had ever told her about this?

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.” She inquired, playfully narrowing her eyes at him in an effort to lighten the mood.

He shrugged a shoulder at her, a smirk starting to cross his fine features. Joshing with her was good. She’d take that. A small step in the right direction.

“Sometimes, it’s really obvious. You get it when you’re embarrassed about something, or when you try to lie. I’d never really noticed it before, but...” He paused. His expression started to turn more thoughtful and she wished he’d just continue to make fun of her instead.

“Guess I won’t be playing poker anytime soon.” She finished the thought for him.

“Yeh, no, you’d be rubbish at that. Just terrible.” He took another swig from his bottle and waited for her to throw something at him.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

The room went quiet again. She stirred her mug of coffee and offered him another chance at one which he politely refused although his discipline was waning slightly now he could smell it.

“So this is fine.” He said after a couple of minutes, nodding in a slightly exaggerated manner. He looked out of the kitchen window. “We can do this, right? No awkwardness. No embarrassment. Just normal, everyday conversation.

“’Course,” she nodded in agreement.

“Start as we mean to go on, right?”

She nodded again. This felt like a trap and she couldn’t put her finger on why. Chris had a knack for saying and doing two different things at the same time, an intimidating ability that often put people on edge if he thought it would serve his purpose, whatever that may be. Probably the actor in him. When you called him out, he would aggressively defend himself which only served to prove the point you were making in the first place. Scott was the only one, truly, who knew when it was happening. It had taken Sarah years to get to a similar position but now, she wasn’t sure she was remotely close to it.

“It’s as good a starting point as any, I guess.” She shrugged again, sipping from her cup.

“So there’s no need to ignore me then.”

“I haven’t been ignoring you, have I?”

“You tell me. I’m just pre-empting it is all. I’m just saying we can still interact, you and me, if we need to. Like, it doesn’t always have to be in social settings with other people around.” He took a final drink from his bottle and turned to locate the recycling pot stashed away in the corner. Even with a mundane task, he always looked cool doing it. “So don’t worry about it.”

“Alright then. That’s good to know.” She shot him a raised eyebrow which he caught and returned with a sly smirk. “I’m just trying to be sensible. We have to get this right or else there’s no point.”

“I know, I get that, too.” If he wasn’t attempting to be serious before, he was now. He had a hand on his hip and seemed to have grown a few inches in height. “What do you think I’m trying to say?”

“I…think I’m on the backfoot again and it’s weird.” She held a hand up in defence.

“Hey, I’m just doing what we agreed, OK? I’m just following _your_ rules.”

“They’re not _rules_.” She struggled to regulate the volume in her voice in case she disturbed Shanna. “And you’re making it sound like I’m controlling the situation when I’m not. We both agreed on this. There’s no point being difficult about it.”

Was he being difficult? Yes. Obviously, he was. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but happy definitely wasn’t it. Things were out of sorts and he hadn’t been able to eat carbs or sugar for four days so the withdrawal symptoms certainly weren’t helping. He should go easier on her. She was doing the thinking for the both of them. He should learn to be more grateful for that.

He scratched the back of his head and let out an audible sigh in frustration. “I’ll try harder, I promise. We’ve got that cabin thing coming up with Mom, so…I promise I’ll be good.”

He imitated the scout salute and she smiled at him, a smile not quite reaching her eyes.

*

Another night shift and Audrey and was starting to get suspicious. No one willingly switched for a night shift. For one thing, there was a disproportionate amount of recovery time. A couple of night shifts often took in excess of a week to recover from; a week that a nurse definitely did not have to spare.

“He been buggin’ you?” she asked, finally growing tired of the silence.

“Who?” Sarah looked up from the cabinet. “No, not really. We haven’t really spoken.”

“So why are you ignoring him?”

“I’m not ignoring him! Why does everyone think that?”

“Who’s everyone?”

Crap. Audrey had her there. Sarah open and closed her mouth without a sound coming out. She took a breath. “He’s not bugging me. He’s not. I’m just trying to limit the times we’re in the same place at the same time.”

“Huh, you’d think he would at least allow you to have peace in your own home.”

“Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around all that much, but…at least I don’t have to worry about him showing up unannounced. It’s stupid but I feel way more awkward about him than I thought I would. It’s like I can’t even stand to be under his gaze.”

Audrey glanced at her friend, wishing she could offer some words of comfort. Even for someone as verbose as she normally was, she was finding it a struggle. Sarah wasn’t much looking for words of comfort at the given time either. She was all too aware of the predicament she was in and how much responsibility laid at her feet. In her mind, waiting it out was the only logical solution she could come up with. The only logical solution that didn’t require more conversations with someone who could feasibly run rings around her “theory” that if they just stayed apart for a little while, they would suddenly and magically forget about the past couple of months.

They stayed filing documents in silence again, the air seemingly getting thicker.

“You ever spoken with someone and it’s like they’re thinking the complete opposite of what’s coming out of their mouth?” Sarah huffed while shoving the cabinet drawer closed.

“Not really. That person’s usually me.”

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t you just be normal?”

“I mean, it’s not my go-to response of course. It’s normally reserved for occasions when I am trying to indulge someone because I know they’re talking bullshit. Like, when I know Mike has been gambling but he tries to deny it? It’s just easier to figure him out that way.”

Sarah froze to the spot, looking at her friend. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned to lean back on the table behind her and crossed her arms. She stared at her shoes for a second.

“Chris is a smart guy. I’ll give him that.” Audrey muttered loudly so she was sure Sarah could hear.

“Give _me_ something! _I’m_ your friend here.” She implored her before chuckling to herself at Audrey’s face and her own apparent lack of self-awareness.

“You know what I think? You’ve probably got withdrawal symptoms from the all the amazing sex you’ve had and now you’re sulking. I think you should get back on that horse and let him fuck you again. That’s what this is.”

Sarah eyed her friend again. For once, she would love to hear someone tell her that she was right. “That’s really not helping, y’know.”

“And this is?!” Audrey’s shriller tone cut through the dry air, smacking Sarah right in the face. “Honey, this isn’t healthy. You hiding out in the hospital and treating it like your own solace is not healthy at all. I love you but you are your own worst enemy.”

“Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your unswerving efforts to be honest with me at all times and not, like a normal pal, be comforting in any way.” Sarah comically bowed to her friend before considering leaving the office. She would have followed through with the idea as well if it wasn’t for the cosy warmth of O’Brien’s office versus the coldness of the ER department thanks to a leaking pipe. “It’s difficult. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fall out with you, Audrey.”

Audrey just smiled at her. “I don’t know why you think you have to be the beacon of morality all the time, Sarah. Take a look around. No one else is. We all out here just trying to live our lives as best we can and a part of that is taking advantage of moments of happiness when we find them.”

Something about what Audrey was saying did resonate with her but comparing two months of happiness with Chris to ten years with Shanna was not something she could in good conscience do. Shanna was her security blanket. She provided a comfort of living with someone with shared life experience, of knowing how little you thought about yourself because you were given up as a baby. Honestly, from the very first day they had met, Sarah felt lucky to know her.

Yes, Shanna could be immature at times. Maybe a little selfish. She would often get carried away with trivial things and wasn’t the most reliable person, but what Sarah got in return was worth that and more. Her family enjoyed highlighting the maternal care Sarah would have to provide to someone who was seven months older than she was, but honestly it didn’t matter.

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where Audrey was wrong.

Chris was a fling at best, Sarah told herself, when she was lying in bed struggling to fall asleep. When she was cold and missing his arms around her. They were both having shitty times and they both got something out of it. That was what Chris had said himself at the very beginning.

_Chris 08.15am: You home? Shanna said you were working late again_

It was like he knew she would be thinking about him.

_Chris 08.17am: I really dont want u ignoring me all the time. This is hard for me right now as well_

Fuck.

_Sarah 08.21am: I kno. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that_ _L_

He didn’t respond. She thought she saw the tell-tale three dots of him writing something but nothing appeared.

Giving up on sleep, she got up and headed into the kitchen. Shanna had left her some bacon in the fridge and a fresh bread bun on the side so she turned on the grill and set about making some coffee. She felt strangely awake for this time and the apartment was nice and warm from the bright sunshine streaming in from all corners. Maybe a run would help. Or a cold shower.

_Chris 08.44am: I wanna be honest with u but I dont think u want that_

_Chris 08.45am: so what do i do??_

Fuck knows.

_Chris 08.51am: Can I come over?_

_Sarah 08.54am: that’s not a good idea_

_Chris 08.55am: cos you know what will happen?_

_Chris 08.56am: what does that tell you??_

She was sure he was nursing some kind of hangover or, quite possibly, he was still a little bit drunk.

There were two responses she could give, she figured. The first would be her usual denial and perhaps an excuse that she was busy or working later than planned. The second, and ultimately the one she opted for, was to agree with him.

_Sarah 09.05am: I know what it tells me. That’s why I’m saying you shouldn’t come over_

Another three dots followed. There was only so many times they could go around and around in circles and as much as Audrey’s words made sense to her, it felt like she had to make the effort to regain some normality.

He didn’t respond. She stared at her phone for an age but nothing came through. Maybe he got the message? Maybe he had fallen asleep. She was both relieved and suspicious; Chris wasn’t someone who backed down from an argument when he thought he was right. He had said as much himself.

She turned the grill off, having lost her appetite. A run might make more sense and could help clear her head.

She couldn’t sit around waiting for Chris to make his next move.

*


	21. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient with me. Sorry this took an age to get out. Hope you like it. We're in the end game now, folks...
> 
> Warnings: Heavy language. Angst.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Sarah was trying her hardest to get out of Lisa’s birthday weekend. _Really_ trying. She couldn’t remember the last time she had put this much effort into something that wasn’t related to work or getting to a finish line she’d imposed upon herself while out on a run.

She wasn’t a very creative person either. Not when it counted. She spent three days pathetically dropping hints that she was coming down with something. Scott dismissed it at first, insisting the fresh air would do her some good. She went as far as to suggest she was feeling quite nauseous so perhaps a five-hour-plus car journey might not be the best idea. Only she had downplayed it to such an extent, she inadvertently removed the problem from the table.

She also tried the whole “it should be a family event” thing, but Shanna told her she _was_ family and that she should stop mithering and start packing.

Things got a little desperate. She wasn’t proud of herself but when Audrey had told her about a falling-out she’d had with Michael, well, it would be stupid to lose _that_ golden opportunity. So, she told Shanna she was thinking of offering to stay and support her dear, dear friend and colleague but, with a glint in her eye, Audrey insisted it wasn’t that big of a problem. She was definitely off Sarah’s Christmas card list now.

Truth be told, she didn’t have a legitimate reason to avoid the break. She couldn’t deny the prospect of having the entire apartment to herself for four days was enticing, though. She could enjoy some rare peace and quiet. She could read a book in a long, hot bubble bath without Shanna perching by the side and regaling her with the latest issues in her romantic life. She could cook and eat seafood without worrying about giving her best friend an allergic reaction. She could also lounge around in her pyjamas all day, or maybe even naked.

No, not naked. She was never one for that idea.

Carly had been filling the family WhatsApp with game ideas; some solo, some in teams. All kid-friendly, which was a speciality of the Evans’ clan. Lisa had planned a long hike for the Sunday morning followed by what sounded like an extravagant picnic with champagne, quiche and foot-long subs. She also sent a picture of three humongous bags of marshmallows, the size of small children, and suggested they could sit round a camp fire on the evening they arrive. That was assigned to Chris as his first job.

There was also the small issue of a massive hot tub. Thanks to a new reliance on fast food during her late shifts, Sarah wasn’t much a fan of her body at the present time. That was another thing she’d have to contend with. She loved the family but forced fun in bathing suits was not really her “thing”.

“If we get there early, we can bagsy the attic room.” Shanna suggested, nose in a gossip magazine. Sarah nodded in agreement while keeping her eyes on the television. “I’ll be damned if Scott gets it all to himself again.”

“Sure thing.” Sarah replied, acting nonchalant and biding her time once more before she could raise again the possibility of her not going with them.

“Don’t get anything out for dinner tonight. We’re heading to mom’s in a couple of hours. I hope that’s OK.”

“Sure. Wait, what?” Sarah did a double take at Shanna, her face now fully hidden by her magazine.

“Sorry!” She peaked out over the top of the page. “I forgot to say earlier but Mom wanted to have dinner at hers tonight so we can go through the itinerary in full. Make sure everyone knows what they’re bringing. I said it’d be cool ‘cos you weren’t working.” Her tone was apologetic. “You’re not doing anything, are you?”

No, she wasn’t doing anything. And she couldn’t think of anything either. There was literally no thoughts running through her mind at that time. None that offered her any help whatsoever. Blank. Stupid, fucking, dumbass.

“Yeh, no, of course. Makes sense.” She responded after a second had passed. She silently blew out a long breath and sank further into the couch.

*

When Shanna had said they were having dinner, Sarah figured it would be one of Lisa’s massive pot pies followed by the biggest tub of Neapolitan ice cream she could find. Something easy and comfortable that wouldn’t get in the way of the more pressing matters at hand, namely finalising plans for her birthday weekend. She was most certainly not expecting candles and a table runner, the fancy anniversary cutlery and four or five bottles of expensive red wine. Lisa had even added some fresh flowers as a centrepiece.

Sarah looked down at her ripped black jeans and grey t-shirt and felt woefully under-dressed. She scolded Shanna with an annoyed look that didn’t go unnoticed.

“I didn’t know she was planning some fancy thing, did I?!” Shanna whispered as they hung up their jackets in the hallway. “You know what she’s like.”

Sarah did know what she was like so, really, she should have known better.

Shanna nudged her out of the way to walk into the kitchen and give her mother a hug, leaving Sarah standing in the doorway feeling like a potato and not sure how to make use of herself. She could hear Scott get beaten loudly by Carly’s husband on a computer game. She glanced her head inside the living room and waved at them, watching as they offered muffled sounds as acknowledgement of her greeting. Chris didn’t seem to be anywhere around yet which gave her some mild comfort at least. In fact, nearly a whole hour went by before he arrived. A light, summer shower had started outside and his arrival was announced to all by Lisa’s shrill tone instructing him to take his shoes off before walking on her newly shampooed carpet.

“Yeh, ma, I got it. Gimme a break…”

“Did you bring that picnic blanket I asked you to find? The one you brought last year? The large, tartan one?”

Chris gave his mother a confused look before she audibly sighed. “I asked you about it yesterday? I texted you earlier to remind you? Jesus….”

He shrugged off his sport jacket, placing it on top of Sarah’s, and toed his boots off before ambling into the dining room to join the others.

“She’s on one again.” Scott whispered to him as Chris took a seat beside him, across from Sarah and Shanna. “She called me three times this morning _alone_ to remind me to pick up plastic cups and plates. Like I’m gonna forget something she’s messaged me about, like, a hundred times.”

“That’s nothing. You should see the list of jobs she’s given to Miles and Ethan.” Michael joined in.

“But they’re only kids.” Scott questioned him, half surprised and half...not so surprised. His memory suddenly recalled all kinds of jobs he was forced to do as a young boy, raking lawns and cleaning the family car. Michael just shrugged back at him, rolling his eyes knowingly. Scott looked between Shanna and Sarah, worrying for what she’ll impose upon them all next.

“She hasn’t given me any jobs yet.” Shanna said. She almost sounded offended at being left out of the menial work. The room fell silent as everyone else slyly eyed each other. “Oh, right. Thanks guys.”

“Hey, your job is to read the maps so we get there in one piece.” Scott finally broke the awkward silence.

“And Sarah? What’s Sarah’s job? I don’t think she’s been asked to do anything either.”

“Her job is to make sure you’re reading the map the right way around.” Chris interrupted and the room descended into fits of laughter. Shanna merely leaned back in her chair, folded her arms and cast a mental curse on her older brother. Sarah tried hard to mask a smirk that didn’t go unseen by Chris.

Pointedly ignoring his sister, Chris reached for the open bottle of wine closest to him. He leaned his arm across the table and offered Sarah a glass. “Want a top-up?”

They made eye contact for the first time in what felt like ages and he smiled at her, a slight crease appearing in the corners of his eyes so she knew it was genuine. “No, I’m OK. Better pace myself.”

They hadn’t seen each other, hadn’t messaged each other, in over a week. She was grateful for the break. He looked good, though. Lean and sculpted to a point that was inhuman or, at the very least, unfair to an average human being. A couple of weeks of working out and his body seemed to ping back to what it once was. It was like watching elastic snap into place. Sarah suddenly felt every single extra pound clinging to her thighs. Whenever she gained weight, it always seemed to land there. It was annoying and proved nearly impossible to remove no matter how often she ran.

“The hell is this?” Chris asked. He finally noticed the smooth table runner stretching out in front of him. “Are we expecting someone official?”

“Just keep quiet and let her do her thing.” Scott pleaded with him quietly before connecting eyes with Shanna and Sarah, everyone seemingly thinking the same thing. “Let’s try to get out of here in one piece, yeh?”

“What took you so long to get here, Chris?” Lisa asked as she walked back into the dining room carrying a large tray of what looked like bread rolls. She placed it down in the centre before moving to the side table to gather the salt and pepper grinders.

“Oh, it was just a work call.” He shrugged, confident enough in his manner that the conversation didn’t go any further. Scott elbowed him seemingly without anyone else noticing but Chris brushed him off with a shake of his head. He rested his chin on his hand as he took stock of what was in front of him, Sarah included.

His beard was thicker and apparently untended to, Sarah noticed, now that things had quietened down. He glanced at her through his lashes as things grew quiet and Lisa started dishing out vegetables to everyone. Lisa had a particular way of handling large family dinners – lessons learned from cooking for many kids over the years. You knew to wait until everyone had something on their plate before making moves for any more. It all smelled delicious. As unnerved as Sarah felt with the formality laid out in front of her, she had to admit she was looking forward to some proper home-cooked food.

Chris kept looking at Sarah, hands folded in her lap, polite as always, waiting for everyone else to go in front of her. He saw Michael help himself to three bread rolls before passing the plate back round to Lisa. Michael was a tall, hefty man whose appetite never seemed to be affected by anything. Even when he had horrendous flu that left him in bed for a fortnight, he still managed to put a lot away. He had never once experienced food poisoning.

“If you’re waiting for everyone else, there’ll be nothing left.” Chris spoke as he leaned in towards her so she could hear him over the sounds of cutlery and enjoyment. “Just go for it.”

She smiled shyly back at him and thanked Lisa for cooking what appeared to be a mini-feast.

“Can you pass the butter, please?” Shanna asked as she reached her arm over Sarah’s plate, forcing Sarah to lean back in her chair. She stretched her other arm out for the gravy that Scott was currently pouring over his plate.

“You’re always so polite.” Chris chuckled. “Shan, can you stop getting in the way and let the poor girl eat.”

“Huh?” Shanna questioned, unaware of what was going on.

“You’re getting in her way.”

“No, she’s fine. It’s fine.” Sarah quickly interrupted as she sensed him bristle with frustration.

He looked at her for another second before shaking his head. Shanna threw her brother a look of puzzlement but Scott appeared just as confused by his sudden tone. 

“Bet this beats Mcdonald’s, eh Sarah?” Carly said, before giggling to herself.

“You’re telling me. I can’t remember the last time I ate something green and fresh.”

“Michael is _so_ jealous.”

Michael’s ears perked up as he turned to his wife and Sarah. “Damn straight. Being only able to eat burgers and fries is, like, the dream scenario.”

“Why have you been on so many night shifts lately anyway?” Chris asked, a mouth full of chicken, placing the spotlight firmly on her.

She tried to shrug it off, act casually. “Audrey needed some extra support and I figured it would do me good to work in a few more nights. I always seem to manage to get out of them.” She was fast hoping Lisa would start discussing the impending trip to distract everyone but no such luck.

This felt like it was going to be a long night.

“It gave you time off for this weekend so swings and roundabouts, eh?” Shanna added. “Speaking of which, is there anything you need us to do for the trip, Mom? I noticed everyone else has jobs and lists except for us.” Shanna inquired, not quite able to hide the mild accusatorial tone creeping into her words.

“Um, no, I don’t think so, honey. Just trying to keep it as casual as possible.”

Scott nearly choked out a chunk of potato. Chris, side-eyeing Michael’s increasingly red face, tried his hardest not to bark out in laughter. It was tough. Lisa noticed it, too. Choosing to ignore it, she turned back to her daughter.

“I meant that things are under control now so there’s no need to add to the pile. As long as you get there on time, that’s all I’ll ask for.”

Shanna wasn’t feeling convinced and the smug grin now on Chris’ face wasn’t helping to reassure her either. She turned to Sarah to see if she was thinking the same thing as her but Sarah just kept her eyes on the plate of food in front her, hoping that if she continued eating and finished as quickly as possible, she could get home again.

“I can do _something,_ Mom.” She protested. “I could bring that lawn bowling game again?”

“Actually, Michael has one of those. It’s a bit newer and the skittles are heavier so the wind won’t keep knocking them over.” Carly spoke up before glancing apologetically at her sister. “He just got it from a friend at work, so… No biggie.”

“What about wine and drinks? We could stop off on the way up?”

“I put an order in for all of that.” Lisa responded with a casual wave of her hand. “It’ll be here the day before so I’ll pack it up here before we set off. Speaking of which, anyone for more wine?”

Shanna remained quiet as the family conversed about nothing in particular. Carly was talking about some game the kids at school had taught her that might be fun for the weekend but nothing could remove the unease surrounding her sister. Sure, Shanna wasn’t the most reliable when it came to shopping lists and sticking to plans but it was unlike Lisa not to call upon her for _something_ , no matter how small and inconsequential it might be.

Attention turned from one brother to the next as discussions about carpooling took over. Chris really wanted to use the trip as an excuse to take his new Audi for a drive but with all the gear he and Scott had to bring, there wasn’t much room for anything or anyone else.

“Except maybe Sarah?” Chris posed the question and shrugged to keep it casual. “You could tag along with us and then Shanna could go with mom, I guess.”

“I was thinking of hiring a car myself actually.” Chris looked surprised at Sarah’s sudden offer. She hated driving. “We could take some of the load off everyone else then. Lisa? We could pack up some of your stuff?”

Sarah had loosely discussed this with Shanna some time ago but they had ultimately decided against it because, well, she _really_ hated driving. Now, however, sensing her friend’s growing despondency, she figured it might help her feel more useful. Plus, it would give Sarah some control over when they could head back home again.

Shanna looked at her friend and smiled gratefully.

“That’s very kind of you, Sarah. I supposed you both could go on ahead and get the keys from Maggie and we could meet you there soon after? I said we would be getting there some time around the early afternoon if that’s alright with you both?” Lisa requested, opening another bottle of wine. Shanna nodded, a smile wide on her face now and she felt a sense of relief.

Sarah mentally calculated backwards from “early afternoon” and reasoned they would need to be up and out of the apartment by 7am at the latest. Suddenly, her role in proceedings made more sense where Shanna was concerned. She gladly accepted a new glass of wine and made a mental note to contact the car rental in the morning.

“You know who you should ask about renting cars?” Scott asked. “Greg, of course! I bet he knows a guy who knows a guy who is the son of the guy that started Mercedes. Or something. Either that or he probably has shares in Hertz.”

Sarah rolled her eyes at him, laughing. He probably wasn’t wrong.

“OK there, brother. You need to ease up on the wine” Chris pushed Scott’s glass further away and patted him on the back. “There you go, little sis. Looks like you have a job after all.”

A clear sign of Chris’ irritation was when he chose to be patronising. Shanna was taken aback by his tone and Sarah felt her friend sink back into her chair, irritated. Sarah raised her eyebrow at him but all he did was shrug, playing innocent. Not his strong point.

The room stayed silent for a little while as people finished up their meals. As much as she originally wanted to pace herself, Sarah didn’t object when Scott filled her glass up yet again. He turned in his chair to place the empty bottle on the side table alongside the others. It was then that Sarah noticed all of the other empties. Had they really drunk that much? In little more than an hour? She clocked the time and there still seemed to be plenty of food left. They would be travelling much of it home as afters at this rate. Chris left the room briefly and returned with a couple of beers for him and Michael.

“What are you gonna do with all this left-over food, ma?” Chris asked as he sat back down indicating a second tray of roast potatoes that had so far gone untouched.

“Please don’t let us take any.” Sarah joked, holding her hands up in playful protest.

“What?” Scott asked before laughing. He looked disbelievingly at his sister before smiling broadly at Sarah as he watched her cheeks blush red.

“Oh, she’s feeling self-conscious about her weight.” Shanna answered, nudging her under the table.

That was helpful of her, thought Sarah. She could feel herself heating up as they all looked at her, waiting for her to speak up again. Chris took a swig of beer from his bottle and leaned his forearm on the table.

“No way in hell are you fat, Sarah. That’s ridiculous.” Scott combatted. “You’re really trim, being on your feet all day. I’d love to give you my fit-bit some time. I’d probably gain a few thousand steps.”

Sarah laughed out loud. “Thank you, Scott. Can we please change the subject?”

“So, you’ll be wearing a two-piece, yeh?” Chris asked. She turned to look at him suddenly before chuckling nervously.

“Um, I have no idea yet. Are we even going to use the hot tub?”

“I won’t be.” Lisa laughed.

“Oh, we all definitely will! It’s the height of summer and that thing can fit a dozen people. Ample room for comfort!” Scott enthused. He should be a salesman.

“And it’d be a real shame if you didn’t join in, Bernette.”

She felt her skin heat up under Chris’ gaze as he attempted to hide the fact he was looking at her by taking another long swig from his beer bottle. “I’m not apologising for that by the way. As a man and your _friend_ , I can say that and you can’t get mad at me.”

“What?” Scott asked. It was a valid question in the circumstances. “What a…weird thing to say.” Scott laughed a little uncomfortably but Chris didn’t break eye contact with Sarah.

“So,” Michael attempted to add some humour back into the room. “Bet it’s nice sleeping during the daytime now you’re on lates? I used to love lazing around the house when I did them.”

Scott nodded enthusiastically in agreement, slapping his hand on the table. “I remember night shoots on this TV drama I did a few years ago and honestly, the sleep I got the next day was the best ever. I don’t know why but I always tend to sleep better in the daytime.”

“Funny, that’s what your teachers used to say.” Chris joked, swigging his beer. Lisa giggled and fondly touched her son’s elbow.

“Oh ha ha ha. You’re so funny. I swear if you’re this amusing this weekend, I might not survive my sides splitting open.” Scott rolled his eyes. “Which reminds me, we should figure out rooms now so there’s no fighting on the day. No way am I sharing with this idiot.”

“You only wanna do that ‘cos you know we’ll be there first and _we_ will be bagsying the attic this time.” Shanna thumbed the space between her and Sarah.

“You don’t deserve the attic.” Chris pointed. “You’ll be half-cut the entire weekend, like last time. You won’t enjoy the space or the views.”

“Excuse me? What do you care?” Shanna retorted.

“You spent a whole day in bed with a hangover last time. If you’re gonna be sharing with Sarah, it’s not fair on her to have to look after you. Again. It’ll spoil her weekend as well.” He explained. “She deserves a break just as much as you do.”

Shanna looked aghast at her friend before regarding her brother again. She shook her head in disbelief. “I can handle my drink, OK? I was just gonna say that it wouldn’t be fair if Scott got that room all to himself. Especially if he’s on his own again.”

“Thanks sis.”

“Sorry, Scott. But…y’know. If anything, Mom should have it.” She suggested, looking towards her mother in hopes that she might appreciate the offer.

“Thanks sweetie but I’ll be staying in the guest house this time. With Carly, Mikey and the kids.”

“Since when?” Chris asked, surprised.

“We just figured it would be easier this time around. Plus, I can help with the kids and you guys can sort breakfast for us all. Get your pancake apron out again, hun.” She winked at him, sipping her wine.

“Chris is a great tosser.” Shanna said under her breath.

“Shanna….” Lisa nudged her.

“Wait, so does this mean we get a room each then?” Scott interrupted. He wasn’t even sure of what he was saying as the wine haze gradually descended over him. “Sarah?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

“I’ve lost track of what’s going on now.” Scott said.

“That doesn’t answer the question of who gets the attic, though?” Shanna asked, a little whinier than she had intended.

“If Sarah and I take the downstairs rooms, we can figure out breakfast in the mornings.” Chris suggested. “And you can have your precious attic. That makes it easier, right? Does that make you happy, Shanna? Good.”

“What’s crawled up your ass and died this evening?” Shanna asked, irritated.

“Oh my god, Shanna, it’s a fucking bedroom.” He practically spitted. “You keep dragging everything out and making everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! I’m just making the decisions so we can all move the fuck on.”

“Chris!” Lisa reprimanded her son and regretted over-ordering on the wine.

“It’s alright now.” Sarah attempted to calm things down. “I think we’ve pretty much figured it out so it’ll be fine.” Carly nodded and nudged Michael to offer something by way of support but he looked just as baffled by the tension as she did.

Chris landed his bottle on the table hard. “Sarah, you don’t need to keep standing up for her. She’s a big girl. She should be able to figure it out now without you babysitting her all the goddamn time.”

“What?!” Shanna also slammed her glass down on the table and looked to Scott and Carly for some back-up but they both seemed frozen to their respective spots. “I don’t need _babysitting_.”

“OK, guys. Dessert? I have pecan pie and or ice cream?” Lisa offered, standing up from her seat and making a shade more noise than necessary in the hope it might snap the kids out of whatever funk they were in.

Chris glared at his sister a beat too long and she returned the favour before turning away with a look of disgust.

“You’re gonna be heaps of fun this weekend, I can tell.” Shanna shrugged. “Clearly, I’m not the one we need to be concerned with. Maybe it’s _you_ that needs babysitting?”

“Fuck you!” Chris stressed, just low enough to miss his mother’s ears. Carly’s eyes grew wide in shock and for a second, Chris looked like he might apologise.

Sarah reached a hand under the table to gently tap Shanna on her leg. Shanna felt it but didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she leant on her elbow and rubbed her earlobe between her thumb and forefinger, a sure sign she was feeling upset and possibly trying to stop tears forming. Sarah tried to get Chris’ gaze back on her but he continued eying his sister, no apology yet materialising. He was a loose cannon when he was in this mood and she didn’t much want to stick around and find out what might happen if he downed another beer.

“We should probably think about heading home, Shan. I’ll check for an Uber.” Sarah stated.

“Don’t do that, I’ll give you a lift, hun. It won’t take long. We can have some pie and then go if you like.” Carly offered with a wink and for the first time that evening, Sarah noticed she hadn’t been drinking.

“Always looking out for you, aren’t we?” Chris said, lowly.

“Do you wanna calm down?” Shanna asked.

“I am calm.” Chris replied. “I’m just having a nice time, right? That’s what we’re all doing here, yeh? Sarah?”

“Sorry?”

“Are you having a good time?” He pressed.

She was sure he was leading her into a trap.

“I am OK. Sure.” She spoke each syllable carefully, trying to warn him off from whatever his motive was.

“I don’t believe you.”

She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, or anyone. She held her hands in her lap and paid attention to the air she was now breathing in deeply.

“Oh Jesus Christ!” Shanna called out. She was growing more and more frustrated with her brother by the second.

“Shanna!” intercepted Lisa.

“No! He’s being a dick and I wanna know why!” She turned back to Chris. “What the hell have I done to piss you off?!”

He stayed quiet, blocking her voice out. He focussed as much of his energy as he could at Sarah sitting across from him, willing her to look back at him, to let him know it was going to be OK. He swung between feeling regret and feeling practically and absurdly confident. It was the beer obviously. It really felt like a now-or-never moment. Fuck it.

“I’m sorry, Sarah.”

Sarah finally looked up at him, tears appearing in the corners of her eyes. Her feet felt like they were weighed down with concrete to the spot underneath. She tried to feel them, to grab at the carpet between her toes. She was pretty sure she could no longer hear what was going on around her as she felt her heart beat inside her ears.

“Why are you apologising to her? _I’m_ the one that’s upset!” countered Shanna, jabbing her finger at him, aggressively.

He shook his head before looking back at his sister. “I’m sorry, Shanna. I wish there was a better way of saying this but I guess not. I’m just…” He paused as he tried to find the words. Sarah felt her heart sink. What felt like goosebumps suddenly appeared up and down her arms. Chris looked at her again. Scott looked at her, too, picking up on _something_ for the first time but what, he couldn’t work out. Damn that second bottle.

“I’m just tired.” Chris offered. Carly looked to Michael but he knew nothing of what was happening. “Of this.”

“Is it work again?” Lisa enquired. “Maybe you could work in some time off this time around, so you’re not away from home for as long.”

“No, it’s not work, ma. I’m just tired in general. Of a lot of things. People.” He pronounced each syllable as clearly as he possibly could. “And I know it sounds pathetic and you’re probably thinking I’m being selfish but I really don’t fucking care.”

“I…I don’t understand, honey.”

“Yeh, what are you talking about?” Shanna turned to her friend but her stare wasn’t quite matched by Sarah who looked like she was waiting for the ground to swallow her whole. “Does anyone know what the hell he’s talking about? Or why _I_ am in the firing line for it all of a sudden?”

“Shan, I don’t think-” Scott started but the glare from his sister stopped him in his tracks. Scott looked at Sarah and things started falling into place. For some reason, of all the memories to have at that moment in time, his mind flashed back to standing out on his brother’s terrace on the evening of his birthday party. Chris had been distracted and checking his phone, even more than usual so Scott was certain it had something to do with a girl. Normally, he’d feel a sense of pride at being right but it didn’t feel altogether appropriate in the current circumstances.

“What the hell is going on?” Shanna pressed. She looked to Scott who had his gaze fixed firmly on his brother. “Do you know, Scott?”

Scott looked to his brother and when Chris met his gaze, he knew. He knew Scott knew, too. Call it brotherly intuition but something had connected for him and Chris was all the more grateful for it.

“Do you ever feel tired or dictating everyone else’s happiness?” Chris asked, breaking the silence.

Shanna dropped her hands on her lap in frustration. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? When have I ever dictated _your_ happiness?”

“Do you even realise what people do for you? Do you ever take notice of everyone around you, going out of their way to make _you_ feel better even if it makes them feel worse? Take tonight for example. Sarah doesn’t even wanna drive this weekend. She fuckin’ hates it, you know this, but she’s doing it anyway so that _you_ can feel useful. It’s pathetic.”

“What? You heard her, she just offered.”

“Because you’ve been moaning about not having anything to do! If you’d just moved on, shut up, she probably wouldn’t have needed to.”

“That’s not true. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shanna dismissed him.

“Why don’t I get the car running and you guys can meet me outside in 5?” Carly proposed, indicating to Sarah that she should try and gather her things, Shanna included.

Chris completely ignored Carly. “And you’ve asked her what she wants, right?”

“Chris, please…” It was pathetic. Sarah knew that.

“I just don’t get it, Sarah.” He turned to her with a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve thought about it all week but I just don’t understand what you are getting out of this. Surely, I give you more than this?"

“OK.” Lisa got up from the table and moved round to where Shanna was sitting, rubbing a hand across the back of her shoulders as though it was in preparation of something, but Shanna abruptly pushed her hand away.

“Sarah and I have been seeing each other. For a little while. A few months maybe, I lost track of time.”

Shanna’s jaw dropped. Scott should have felt something but after glancing at his mother stood in front of him on the other side of the table, and recognising the same look in her eyes, he stayed quiet. He saw Sarah close her eyes and figured someone should try and comfort her, too, but it was hard to know where to stand.

Shanna found some strength to open her mouth a few times but no sound came out, until… “What?”

“You don’t need to worry, though. It’s over now.” He placed his bottle of beer on the table and leaned back. He placed his fingers on the edge, running them up and down the smooth, varnished wood. “She ended it by the way. Because she knew you wouldn’t be happy.”

Shanna’s mouth hung open, dry. “Is that true?” She turned to Sarah. “Were you with him?”

“I just said so, didn’t I?”

“I wasn’t asking you!”

Chris wasn’t sure what he was hoping for in that moment. He looked at Sarah and felt sadness. Sadness at the pain evidently coursing through her body in that moment. She looked small and deflated somehow. He felt astonishingly sober, more’s the pity. He wished he could go to her and hold her but he knew it was the last thing she wanted. Probably what anyone would have wanted. It wouldn’t have helped matters and he wasn’t sure anything he could say now would do that job either.

Sarah took in an audible breath and looked at her friend. She blinked back the few tears that had gathered but it only seemed to make things worse. “I’m…sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“I think I’ll just…” Michael pointed to the door and left the table as quickly as he could manage, no doubt to fill Carly in.

“Oh my God.” Shanna replied. She put her face in her hands and didn’t move. “I don’t believe this."

Sarah looked beyond Shanna to Lisa who offered her a surprisingly reassuring smile that she was definitely not expecting. Did she feel grateful for it? She had zero clue.

“I’m so sorry.”

“We don’t have anything to be sorry for, Sarah.” It was the gentlest tone Chris had spoken in all night. “Shan, I know it’s a lot to take in right now but you should know that this wasn’t just some fling or something utterly stupid. There’s a real thing here.” He looked to Sarah for reassurance. “Right?”

Sarah couldn’t look him in the eye.

“OK, I know I haven’t handled this in the best way-”

“-That’s an understatement.” Scott finally found his voice.

“-I accept that and for that, I am really sorry. I promise you. But you have to see things from my perspective here.”

“Chris, I don’t think that’s what needs to be said right now, OK? Your sister is very upset and I think you should maybe head home to sleep this off. Scott, can you...?”

Scott nodded in agreement and left the room to grab both their things.

“Mom, this isn’t-”

“-I know.” She held her hand up to stop him. The less he said now, the better. At least until a few hours had been put between them. Chris, resigned, agreed. He looked at Sarah again hoping for something, anything, that might make him think things were going to be alright.

Lisa noticed the plea in his eyes, practically begging her to look at him. “Sarah, sweetheart, you both can stay here tonight. I think we should probably be together for a bit, yeh?”

Sarah was flummoxed by the offer but grateful at the same time. She knew Shanna wouldn’t say anything to her if they just went home again, if she would even come back to their apartment at all. She’d shut her bedroom door and not emerge for some time and that would have driven her mad.

She wanted to get out of there as fast as she could but…this was perhaps better. Safer.

It was going to be a long night.

*


	22. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language. Frustrations.
> 
> I hope this reads OK. Let me know if you have any thoughts or comments, good and bad.
> 
> Have a lovely day :)

Chris reluctantly left the house after Scott had gathered their things. Scott had a quiet word with his mother just outside the front door but it wasn’t fully closed so Chris had heard most of what sounded like Scott denying he knew anything had been going on. The words “Godforsaken” and “mess” also made brief appearances. A few swearwords here and there from his own mother no less, someone who would go to church every day for a year if she even deigned to use the extremely bad language in front of her children.

He felt like a scolded child standing there in the hallway, coat hanging limply from one hand, blatantly and frustratingly sober. Not that being drunk would have made any of this any better. He felt like a child that had to be collected from school after getting into a fight with a teammate. Oh, the disappointed looks he had seen whilst growing up. Sitting in the backseat of the car, blocking out the noise as his Dad tried to keep his eyes on the road ahead while lecturing Chris that one day he would have to grow up.

He wished he could go back there. That was far easier by comparison. Performing open-heart surgery was far easier by comparison. Probably, he figured.

He glanced towards the dining room. The door was shut but he knew she was mere feet away from him. He couldn’t hear anything. Didn’t know if anything was being said or if anyone was crying or if someone was hugging someone else but he figured not. You could expect to hear Shanna’s voice from anywhere in the house so the quiet he was listening to now was a huge giveaway. It was also alarming that Shanna was as quiet as she was. He had left them both sat at the table. Just…paused

He reached his own home an hour or so later. Scott had insisted on coming with Chris even though he had asked the driver to divert via Scott’s road, about fifteen minutes out of the way. They’d sat in the backseat in silence, Scott comfortable, almost smug, in the knowledge that Chris wasn’t about to say anything incriminating lest the driver be listening in on their conversation and it end up online in the morning. So, after what felt like an eternity had passed by, Chris grudgingly asked the driver to carry on to his own address.

He stared out of the window the entire ride home. He barely moved. Every few minutes Scott would subtly lean in just to check he was still breathing.

Chris shoved a couple of hundred-dollar bills at the driver and told him to keep it - probably the only worthwhile thing he had done that week, he thought. Scott trailed behind him as they ascended the wide, concrete stairwell, the only light coming from the security light glowing above Chris’ front door.

“Just…don’t say a fuckin’ word, OK?” Chris pressed his brother, reaching inside the fridge for the last beer he knew was hiding in the back.

Scott rested his hands on his hips as he watched his brother flip the lid off his beer and launch it at the wall tiles above the sink. Chris took a long swig before slamming the bottle down on the counter and leaned on his arms.

“I’m not gonna lecture you, man.” Scott flopped down on the sofa nearest to him. “I promise. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you did anything wrong per se but you know as well as I do that you did not handle that well tonight, pal. No way did Shanna deserve that. None of us deserved to hear it like that.”

Chris tilted his head ever so slightly in Scott’s direction but he remained stoically quiet.

“Maybe give it a day or two and try to speak to her.” Scott continued, as though he was reading his mind. And because he was adept at reading his brother’s mind… “I’m talking about Sarah by the way. I don’t know what Shanna will say or do. This weekend sure is gonna be _fuuun_.”

Chris looked through the window in front of him, the black night allowing him to catch a clear reflection of his brother picking at the corners of a cushion where he was sat. If he focussed on that long enough, he’d start to feel regret and he couldn’t face that right now.

“Sarah didn’t even look at me.” He finally spoke, softly and with resignation in his tone. “I thought she might say something but…guess I was wrong.”

“Her and Shan are tight.” Scott started. “You don’t need me to tell you that. And that’s not to say that you don’t mean _anything_ to her because obviously you do but just that they have been friends for years now. A fling isn’t gonna get in the way of that.”

“It wasn’t a fling.”

“OK, but in the grand scheme of things, of time, it was. A few weeks is nothing to nearly a third of a life. They live together, they’re in each other’s pockets 24/7. They know everything about each other. They share the same clothes even.” Scott was hit with a realisation. “They’re family.”

“I’ve known Sarah just as long.” Chris objected.

“Right, but I don’t think that’s entirely comparable, though, is it?” Scott was treading carefully. “I mean, we have all known Sarah a long time. But that’s because of Shanna. They’re kind of a package thing.”

Chris ground his teeth together as he considered the point. Even from this distance and in the reflection of the glass, Scott could see his jaw clench ever so slightly. He watched Chris finish what was left of his beer before finally turning around and leaning back against the counter.

Building up the courage to continue probing him for answers, Scott repositioned himself on the sofa. “So, Sarah ended it?”

Chris nodded slowly. “Yeh. A couple of times.”

“’Cos of Shanna?”

“Pretty much. Said she was feeling guilty and confused about things. That it was wrong of us to let things get that far.”

“How did you guys…? I mean, when did you…?”

“My birthday.”

Vague memories started fighting for attention in Scott’s mind. He loosely recalled Chris being a little off but a hazy mix of noise, a phone argument with Zach, and copious amounts of alcohol kind of killed his full recollection of that night, at least beyond the separate moments now appearing in his head.

“But you didn’t leave the party, did you?”

Chris nodded slowly. He could see Scott trying to piece things together like he was solving a puzzle and was feeling somewhat relieved at getting to talk openly about what had happened. He still didn’t feel willing to give up much beyond what was necessary but he couldn’t deny he was beginning to feel a little lighter. He wasn’t sure if Sarah would appreciate things being made so public but then again, he guessed that boat had long since sailed.

“Sarah never showed, though, did she? I know Shanna tried to call her a couple of times, before she crashed and burned. So, you went to their apartment? Did she call you or something?”

“No.” Chris shook his head. “I was wound up about a couple of things that night and she said she was gonna come but she didn’t show and…I don’t know. I guess it was the last straw. I was just tired of a lot of things and needed to get out of there. You saw the place. It wasn’t _home_ home.”

“And you slipped out when no one was looking?”

Chris nodded again. Much like Scott, memories came flooding back to him. Unhelpful memories. Memories of the hallway and of her in her black dress. Memories of the smell of her hair that he couldn’t forget for days afterwards.

“Look,” He ambled into the lounge where Scott was sat and perched on the end of the armchair. “We tried to ignore it. Believe me, she was pretty sure it wasn’t something we should be doing again. But-”

“-But you didn’t wanna end it?”

He shook his head equally as slowly before biting the inside of his cheek. His eyes had glazed over slightly and Scott didn’t know if that was because of the beer or because he was reliving sad memories he’d rather forget.

“Are you guys…? Do you have feelings for each other?”

“I don’t know if ‘feelings’ is the right word.” Chris felt his shoulders slump a little. “I think we’ve gone a little beyond that but I’m not exactly sure what _that_ is. We never really talked about it.”

Scott knew all too well what Chris could be like when he was pining for someone. He’d witnessed pretty much every romantic cliché while they were growing up; girls he liked that didn’t like him back; girls that liked him back that he ended up growing bored of; girls his friends tried to set him up with just as his career was taking off. He seemed to develop a bit of a thicker skin when he reached L.A. soon afterwards. It was almost like he was protecting himself or guarding himself from the fake-ness he’d heard about. Matt had been quite instrumental in that regard. The recent issues with Jenny told Scott that perhaps there were a few skeletons in his closet people remained unaware of.

Still, being in the presence of him as he was right now was, dare he say it, kind of sweet. Clearly, he hadn’t cut himself off completely from love. The maudlin quality he was exhibiting was almost a relief were it not for him looking as drained as he did. Chris didn’t feel things lightly. There was clearly something serious going on with him. Maybe with them both. He wondered what Sarah was currently doing and briefly contemplated sending her a message to check-in, make sure she was OK.

Then, all of a sudden, and he didn’t exactly know where this had come from, a realisation hit.

“Do you think that, whatever it was between you, was because in some small part it felt a little bit… _wrong?_ ”

Chris looked at him, his brow furrowing as he tried to work out Scott’s angle. “What?”

“Because it was, y’know, a risk getting involved with each other. Do you think that was the initial attraction?”

“No!” Chris caught the scepticism in Scott’s face from even this distance. “It wasn’t, OK? That’s ridiculous. It wasn’t like that at all.”

“I’m just asking. I’m just trying to understand is all. I want to help.”

“Then listen to what I am saying.”

“But you’re not saying _anything_. That’s why I am having to ask these _ridiculous_ questions.” Scott realised he was close to shouting and that was likely to shut his brother off in self-defence.

Chris knew his brother was right but didn’t want to admit it to his face just yet. “Why would the risk be an attraction?”

Scott considered biting his tongue and playing dumb but he felt like it needed to be explicitly asked and then it was over and done with. Out in the open. “Just that this isn’t the first time you’ve enjoyed something you know you shouldn’t. Sort of. I mean, look at Jenny. And that sound designer from New York, from that play you did. She had a boyfriend and a mortgage and, like, five cats and look what happened there. You have to admit, you have some form here.”

Chris’ face was registering blank and Scott wasn’t sure if he was about to have a knife thrown at his head. Might as well carry on, then.

“Sometimes, it can seem like you actively look for the challenge, for the rush of being caught out doing something _not_ Captain America-y.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Is it, though? Can you say whole-heartedly that this thing with Sarah wasn’t about a rush of doing something you knew deep down wasn’t the best idea?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Because…”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s-” Chris paused again, unsure of how to unscramble the words and the memories now running through his mind. Thoughts of them together here, the elation he felt when she replied to a text message and when she tried to flirt with him, badly. How cute she looked in her scrubs. He remembered making her laugh so hard in the hotel room in New York that she snorted juice through her nose and slammed the bathroom door shut so he couldn’t see how “gross” she looked. “-it’s different. This is different now. It just is. I’m not asking you to understand this, I just need you to be on my side for a bit. At least until things calm down and we can figure it all out.”

“ _We_ as in…?” Scott pursed his lips. “I hate to be the one to break it to you but I think you might have to wait some time for that. Sarah’s gonna be fully focussed on Shanna, her _best friend_ , and you’re just gonna have to deal with being second best.”

“She’ll talk to me, I’m sure.”

“I dunno, man…”

“Why? Why do you say that?” Chris asked almost accusing Scott of knowing more than he did, which was ironic.

“Well…has she messaged you?”

“No, obviously. ‘Cos it’s all…” He held his hands up in front of him before resigning them back down by his sides. “Then I guess I’ll just have to wait.”

*

Needless to say, Sarah didn’t stay the night in Lisa’s home either.

She waited until she was sure Chris had left before building up some courage to get up and run. It was cowardly, yes, but nothing about what had taken place this evening – or for the past couple of months – was anything _but_ cowardly, so… why break the habit of a lifetime?

Shanna had already left the dining room. She looked and felt tired and needed a lie-down. Carly and Michael had escaped upstairs, too, most probably just to get out of the way. Sarah knew it would be futile to try and talk to Shanna now anyway. If she was in her position, she wouldn’t want to talk either. Too much alcohol, too much food, too much…distress. It would only be asking for more trouble at this point.

Lisa was tidying away some dishes when Sarah emerged behind her in the kitchen, ready to go.

“I have an Uber coming in a few minutes so I’ll get out of your hair.” She informed her. Lisa wiped her hands dry on the dish towel.

“How are you feeling, love?” She offered. Sarah could have burst into tears at the simple gesture.

“Um, well, not great.” She started, hearing her voice trembling slightly. “But that’s my own fault. For what it’s worth, I am so sorry. I’m so sorry to you and I know this is a mess and has probably ruined your whole birthday now.”

Lisa smiled at her, somewhat sympathetically. “Don’t worry about that. I only enjoy it because it feels like one of only a few times in a year that we are all together and focussed on something fun.”

“You didn’t deserve this, Lisa.”

“That’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s the fault of that boy.” She sounded like she was making a jovial comment to lighten the mood but it only served to make Sarah feel worse. Even after everything, Lisa was still trying to make sure _she_ was feeling OK. After everything _she_ had done. “He’s frustrating. He has always suffered from having too much energy, too many thoughts running around his mind at the same time. You tell him one thing and he wants to do something else.”

That sounded familiar.

“You know, when he was a child, I thought he had ADD?” Lisa looked to the ceiling to try and remember. “They did a test in school but it didn’t turn into anything. I often think it’s why I’m so glad he does what he does. It’s probably a good outlet for him. Helps him work through that energy and anxiety. But I’m sure you know this already. You know what he can be like.”

Lisa regarded Sarah for a second. Sarah’s eyes were still wet from crying a little. That, and tiredness.

“You know, I had a feeling something wasn’t…normal. He seemed different lately. A little calmer, I think? More still.” Lisa started. “A few weeks ago, he asked me about flowers. He’s never bought flowers for people before except if he was apologising for something but these weren’t _those_ kinds of flowers. He said he wanted something bright and colourful. I was kinda taken aback to be honest.”

Sarah looked confused. Had Chris told her something?

“Then I saw you got flowers. Bright, colourful, summery flowers…” She smiled at the memory. “I shoulda known then, I guess.”

“Lisa, I-”

“-Oh no, don’t worry, my darling. I just couldn’t quite fit the pieces together at the time.” She smiled again, tilting her head to one side. “And you know he’s never been one for oversharing the intricacies of his relationships at the best of times. That ship sailed a long time ago for me.”

Sarah nodded, looking down at her fingers poking out from the coat cuffs.

“But he always makes an effort when it counts.” She encouraged Sarah to look at her again. “He has his ways of letting people know he cares. You should remember that, honey.”

Sarah considered her words for a moment. She heard a door close upstairs, snapping her out of the relative peace they were now in.

“What should I do about…Shan?”

“Leave her for a while. Leave her to me.” Lisa spoke with kindness, some kind of confidence. Sarah was less sure but she knew she couldn’t face her right now. Shanna wouldn’t want to do anything now. It was mutually beneficial.

*

She made it home without crying in the back of the cab. She shut the front door and let out the longest breath she could manage, one she’d been holding in for some time it felt like. There was just a numbness now. A feeling like it wasn’t altogether real, like she could wake up at any minute and find out it was that morning all over again and she’d have to hurry Shanna out of the bathroom.

The flat was eerily quiet, itself unaware of the drama. She moved to close the curtains in the living room to block out the street lights. There was a headache looming she wasn’t in the mood for. She sat on the end of the sofa and rested her head in her hands.

Somewhere in her coat, her phone buzzed. Gingerly taking the phone from her pocket, she was relieved when she saw it was Audrey messaging her about some paperwork she’d cleared up for the both of them. _Hope you’re having a lovely break! xx,_ Audrey ended the message with.

Sarah 10.15pm: All good, thanks hun x

A blatant lie but what else could she do in the circumstances? She turned to lie down on the sofa and stared at the wall ahead of her.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep until the light starting coming through the curtains. Noticing the clock flash on the TV screen told her she’d been out for six hours more or less. Useless sleep, though. Not the refreshing kind. The headache was back with a vengeance so she shuffled into the bathroom in an effort to find something to take the edge off.

No messages appeared on her phone yet. She was both thankful and surprised and then upset when she realised Shanna hadn’t attempted to communicate during the night. She wasn’t realistically expecting anything but it would have been a positive sign. Right now, she’d take anything she could get her hands on even if it wasn’t pleasant.

The sound of the doorbell ringing abruptly stung the backs of her eyes. She downed the water in the glass and listened to it ring again just as she shuffled towards their front door. A third time ringing just as she reached for the doorknob and was faced with a rather sheepish-looking Chris.

He had two large coffee cups in one hand and what looked like some kind of pastry box in the other. For some insane reason, she was suddenly aware of the state she probably looked. She hadn’t removed the make-up from her eyes and her mascara wasn’t the best quality and was probably now working its way down her cheeks. Audrey would be rolling her eyes if she could see her now.

He half-smiled but didn’t say anything. He brushed past her and placed the box down on the kitchen counter. She felt like she could appreciate something sweet and sugary and looked inside only to find pretty much every pastry she could imagine. Giving him a puzzled look, he shrugged it off.

“I didn’t know which one you wanted so I got everything they had.”

Oh. Okay then.

“The coffee has a lot of sugar in it by the way. I figured you’d prefer it sweet.”

She nodded and turned back to choose something. The apricot glaze looked particularly appealing. She took a bite, taking about half of it in one go and froze as she saw him smirk at her. Yet again, the image of what she must look like appeared in her mind. Dishevelled, smudged, kind of ugly. He, in turn, looked pretty amazing. There was a tiny amount of gel in his hair but otherwise he’d kept it a little fluffy on top. His skin looked remarkably refreshed and he smelled like the shower she so desperately needed. She was also getting the full effect of his recent training schedule as he leaned casually against the doorframe, one leg bent at the knee to rest his foot on the wall behind him.

How?

How was that possible?

Why was he not looking as rough as she felt?

“You sleep any?” He finally asked, his voice a little croaky.

Sarah shook her head so slowly he could have missed it. She nervously wiped the pastry flakes from her fingers with one of the napkins she found at the bottom of the box.

“Yeh, me neither.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to call you but Scott hid my phone.”

He didn’t intend for that to be funny but she enjoyed the brief respite that image gave her nonetheless. And the foul language that probably left Chris’ mouth. Poor Scott. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t to be honest.”

She took a sip of the coffee and marvelled at how delicious it tasted. The heat entering her body was welcomed. Her headache was still there but the syrupy, sugary caffeine was very much appreciated.

She could sense him looking at her intently. He couldn’t have expected any other response.

“I didn’t realise you’d left Mom’s.” It was almost a question but she didn’t respond. “I thought you would have stayed and spoke to Shanna or something.”

“I think I am the last person she wants to speak to right now.”

“Nah, I’m pretty sure that’s me.”

He hated how sad she looked. He hated that she looked so beat and gray and fragile. He was so used to seeing her with clear skin and a spark in her eyes, with some kind of energy bristling beneath the surface. He hated that he was most probably – no, definitely – the cause for this despondency.

He ambled to the table, dragging a chair out from underneath it and sitting down. He clasped his hands in front of him and leaned forward. He always seemed to have a habit of getting into her eyeline when she was so obviously trying to avoid looking at him and it annoyed her. Times when she was trying to hide her real thoughts and feelings.

“I don’t know what to say to you.” He finally spoke. “’cept that I’m just sorry. I’m so sorry, Sarah. I can’t say I am sorry for saying what I said but I know I am sorry about the way I said it, and for the pain it’s caused.”

“It’s a bit too late for that now.”

He looked down at where his hands connected. “I don’t really know what I was thinking. I saw how she was behaving and it just got to me. It annoyed me how she just kind of takes advantage of you and-”

Sarah shook her head defensively. “You’re making the wrong assumption.”

“I don’t think I am.” He shook his head back at her. “And if you ask the others, I think they’d agree with me.”

“You’re acting like this is all her fault and that’s not fair on her.” She pressed, the caffeine clearly kicking in a little more and making her feel like she was finally waking up, figuratively as well as physically. “She’s not gatekeeping me, Chris, and you really need to stop thinking that she is. You’re just putting the blame on her because you can’t seem to admit that we really shouldn’t have let things get as far as they did. It was stupid of us.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Is it?” She stared him out for a second. He didn’t blink.

“Yes.”

“You seem very sure of yourself.”

“Hmm. Irritating, isn’t it?” He tilted his head to the side, a smirk crossing his soft features. Sarah rolled her eyes at him and turned around to regard the pastries again. In for a penny and all that.

“Look, I understand how you’re feeling-”

“-No, you really don’t-”

“-I do because I know the same people and with all due respect I’ve known them a hell of a lot longer than you have.” He countered. “So, believe me, I get it.”

She fell quiet and took a bite from a star-shaped cronut-type thing before regretting her decision. Chris, noticing the look of disgust on her face, laughed.

“I was keeping that one for me. It’s got a custard cream in the middle.”

Sarah paused her chewing and gave him an apologetic look of sorts. She watched as he slowly got up from the table and stalked towards her, taking the cronut from her hand and taking a big bite. He rolled his eyes in pleasure at the sweetness. It was probably the first “nice” thing he’d been able to enjoy since his training began again.

“That’s another reason I know this is all bullshit.” He said, his mouth full and taking her in in what must have been the closest proximity they’d been in for a while.

“What is?”

“You’re nervous. I can feel it.”

“I’m not nervous. I’m…tired and my best friend hates my guts. This whole thing is a complete mess and I don’t appreciate your…” She waved her hand up and down, vaguely gesturing in his direction. “…jovial manner. It’s pissing me off so stop it. Everything’s different now and you can’t just magically make everything better.”

His face turned serious as he took in her slightly standoffish body language and harsh tone. She wasn’t one for letting her frustration get the best of her but the fact she had now should have told him something. She was trying her hardest to look anywhere but at him.

“Some things haven’t changed, Sarah.” He said, quietly, aiming for reassurance but landing somewhere nearer to pleading. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed. If anything, I think it’s made me more sure.”

“How do you figure that?” She folded her arms in a weak attempt at creating a barrier between them lest he realise he was getting to her.

“Because I’m here and not there.” He shrugged. “I could have panicked and gone to my Mom but I didn’t.”

They briefly looked at each other and he thought he could see some semblance of understanding in her eyes but she was certainly trying her hardest not to show it.

“I came here because I want to be _here_ and I’m tired of hiding that fact.”

“I don’t think it’ll make things easier if they knew you were here. Does Scott even know you’re here?” She asked.

“No. Not that I know of. I just left.” He admitted it like it was no big deal. “Anyway, stop trying to change the subject. We need to figure this out, Sarah. You and me. We need to figure out where we go from here.”

“We don’t go anywhere, Chris. That’s the thing.” She finally got some words out. “I mean, you just…told her. Like it was nothing. Like you were surprised that she would be just a little bit upset about this.”

“I know…” It was all he could say. He was trying to think of something else to add, something reassuring, but his mind had gone blank and even though she had make-up smudged across her eyes, she looked prettier than he’d seen her before.

“I keep thinking the worst is over with now but I don’t think any of this will feel better.”

“Right now it might seem like that but it’ll be OK, I promise. It just takes some time and then we’ll figure it out. We’ll be OK.”

“No. Just stop promising things, Chris. You’re just making it harder. You can’t fix this. This whole thing is our mistake and no one else’s. It was only ever gonna end up one way and we were just delaying the inevitable.”

“Before what?”

She took another sip of the coffee. “What?”

“You said “the inevitable”. The inevitable before what?”

“I…” Her eyes moved around the room as she tried to think of a response. “It’s just a figure of speech. I guess I just meant that it wasn’t like this was gonna carry on forever.”

“Why not?”

“Because, it’s…What do you mean “why not”? What did you think was gonna happen?” She was growing frustrated with his persistence and her inability to think of a rational answer because deep down, she knew what he was hinting at and it was exasperating how easily he managed to back her into a corner.

“Look,” she sighed, holding her hands up in front of her as though she was trying to calm him down. He didn’t seem in the least bit perturbed by what she saying. “It was a thing that happened and we shouldn’t have carried on the way that we did. We’re practically family and it would have made everyone around us feel awkward.”

“They would have learned to deal with it.”

“No, they wouldn’t. It would be weird and it would have changed the dynamic of us all and…it’d be like if Scott started dating Josh.”

“I don’t need that image, thanks.”

“Well, there you go.” Was this a win? She’d made a point. It should have felt like a win but she wasn’t sure. “There’s some lines you just don’t cross. We’ve known each other too long and if things didn’t work out, it would be shit for everyone especially me because it’s not like they’ll stop talking to you.”

He pondered what she had just said and watched her slide into the nearest chair. He watched her run her fingers over the smooth wood and finally realised the anxiety that had been building up for the last few months. All of the thoughts and worries she’d been hiding were slowly coming to the surface.

“It’s not all about Shanna, is it?” He quietly prodded. “It’s everyone else as well. You feel like you’ve got more to lose.”

“She’s my best friend. She’s the best one I’ve ever had.” She stated. She started picking at the corner of a fingernail as he looked across the table at her. “I know you can’t understand what it’s like and I can’t really explain it. And I’m sorry for that, I am, but…”

“I wanna know, Sarah. This affects me as well. I need to understand this.”

They looked at each other and he took the silent invitation to sit down beside her. He could have brushed his hand over her leg, he was sat so close, but one thing at a time.

“Talk to me.” He leaned in a little bit more. “Please.”

“She made a big deal out of getting to know me when we were in college. I was like this quiet, weird, introverted person that seemed aloof to most people but she made the effort. She’d picked me out and put me in the middle of things like she was showing me off or something. Like, she was proud to know me and…I liked that. That felt nice. Reassuring. I really liked how loud and alert she seemed to be all the time because I wasn’t like that. I didn’t have that kind of confidence. I guess it was the first time I felt OK with myself because she made the effort with me so I must be reasonably alright as a person, right? She picked me to be her friend because she wanted to get to know me.”

She looked down at her hands and blinked back a few tears. “It was probably the first time I felt wanted.”

“Your parents want you, Sarah.”

“They didn’t choose me, though. Not really.” She shook her head, sniffling a little more obviously now but she didn’t much care. “They wanted a child and they were given me.”

She was right; he wasn’t able to understand. Not completely. He’d never suffered from a lack of confidence in that regard. He knew his friends, he knew his family, and he always knew where he wanted to be. It wasn’t something he even had to ask himself. But Sarah did, and Shanna must have felt like that, too. At one time. Scott was right; they were one and the same.

“I want you.” He offered, finally reaching a hand out to her only to feel sad that she didn’t flinch, didn’t give him some encouragement that he was having an effect on her. That it wasn’t all futile.

She looked into his eyes. She appreciated the sentiment more than she thought she would, sitting at odds in her kitchen, him with his half-puppy-dog expression slowly melting the ring of steel she’d tried to place around herself in the vain hope it might help her cope. If she wasn’t careful, this conversation could lead them both into trouble again and she guessed that was what he meant when he said he knew she was talking bullshit.

She moved away and he watched her pace a little before finally opting for the relative safety on the opposite side of the room, the furthest possible point away from him. He hated that he couldn’t get to her, that she wouldn’t allow him to at least try and make things a little better. She ran her hands through her hair, resting them on the top of her head, pulling at the strands. He had never seen her like this.

“I mean it. I want you so badly, Sarah, it’s ridiculous. If you only knew…”

“It’s not gonna work.” She responded.

“You don’t think this is worth it?”

“I don’t think it’s enough.”

Something in his chest fell to his stomach. He swallowed and looked back down at his hands. This was probably what Scott had tried to warn him about. He should have at least tried to listen; tried to think of the worst outcome so he could have prepared himself. But nothing could have prepared him for whatever it was he was feeling now.

“I’m so sorry, Chris.” Sarah offered. “You’re so lovely, truly. The fact that you’re here now is, well, it means a lot to me. I hope you can understand that. I’m not saying it for the sake of it, I promise.”

Chris nodded, feeling tears sting his eyes again.

“But we need to think about her. We both need to make it right with her.”

Chris nodded again.

“I think your Mom said she was going to talk to Shanna, so…you should probably head that way.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m just gonna hang here for a little bit. I don’t particularly want to go back into work, I don’t think I could face the questions.” She chuckled awkwardly. “Plus, I think I wanna take a sleeping pill and knock myself out for a bit.”

“I don’t wanna go, Sarah.” He pleaded. “And I really don’t believe you want me to go either.”

“I know. I don’t what else I can do.”

For the first time, she knew she was definitely lying to him.

*

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a number of amazing stories on this site as well as on Tumblr and Wattpad, and figured I would give it a go. As this is my first foray into the exciting world of fan-fiction, I look forward to and would appreciate any feedback, good or bad, you think might help me :) I imagine this story will be a slow burn of sorts until I find my feet but I have some new chapters already taking shape. Thanks for reading :)
> 
> p.s. if you'd like to find me on tumblr, my ID is Syms-things-5. My wattpad ID is the same as here.


End file.
